Hey bluelight, I havent been around much lately and as usual when things take a turn for the worse I turn to you for some modicum of comfort.
It's been pretty hard lately and it looks like it will only get harder. I turned 27 last month. It wasnt a very happy day for me. The month before I was laid off from my aprenticeship, the only career Ive ever managed to get. My girlfriend dumped me a couple weeks before that happened. She said she was leaving me for my own good and poof... she was gone. I also lost my home since my lease ended and my landlord decided to sell the property. Now im sleeping on the floor of my friends house. I have two months here before Ill have to leave. Then of course a week after I lost my job the transmission in my car broke. It would cost more than the car to fix it, not that I have the money.
During my move my social security card was lost, and when I called to have it replaced the number showed up as invalid. When I investigated it turned out that my identity has been being used by some mexican guy for the past 8 years. The social services people sent me on a wild goose chase of numbers to call, each number i called transfered me to someone else. The issue still isnt resolved. My drivers licence expired on my birthday too and its replacement, along with my unemployment check, have mysteriously dissapeared in the mail.
I quit school for the aprenticship that i took, but now that I have to sleep at my friends house in another city, i cant go back to school. His city is basically the ghetto so there are no jobs here and no social assistance for anyone with less than three kids. Without a job or my unemployment check or even food stamps i have no money and cant buy food. That isnt such a big deal though because for the past month my guts have felt like they are in a meatgrinder, which has been a cronic pain problem that ive dealt with for several years. Now though the pain is back with a vengence. I can barely stomach eating anything and which is fine becsuse all i can afford anyway is to sit at my friends house and fill out job applications. Ever since my mom died, its all been pretty fucked. At least mom outlived my grandma by a year, It would have been terrible to see gran watch her daughter die before her.
Since everything came crashing down my hair has all fallen out, i have black circles under my eyes that make me look like a zombie, i have cystic acne from stress and poor diet and when i dont wear a shirt my ribs stand out like im a living xylophone. The only thing i have to look forward to is a minimun wage job at McDonalds, if im lucky. To be honest though, that wouldnt be lucky. None of this is lucky. There is no silver lining out in the real world.
Its fine, I get it. Under all the sophisticated rituals and technology, we are just animals fighting to stay alive on a desolate rock hurtling through even more desolate space.
Now though all i can do is wonder "Why?". I wake up and ask it. I lie awake at night on the hard uncaring floor and ask it. Every waking moment i am consumed by the question, why do i bother keeping myself alive? I know the answer. It really isnt hard to grasp. Im just afraid to die. Ive done DMT. Ive had shroom trips in an ice cold desert all alone. Ive witnessed people dying right in front of me, both violent and not. I have no delusions about death being some fantastic doorway to another world, or some romantacised final chapter in a love novel. Death is ugly, and it is the last, most horrifying thing we will ever experience. In fact once death comes, nothing else will even matter, because at that moment death will be our entire reality. My entire reality.
Sometimes I have to stop and wonder the real question within a question. Instead of "why" the question has become "why not". Why not die, here and now, on your own terms. Why not just walk off into the desert with a bag full of percocets, ambien and whatever else. It would be easy, simple and relativly fast. It would be a hell of a lot better than winding up homeless in a ghetto city where no one gives a fuck. Besides, it's not like i have anywhere or anything or anyone. Im sure somewhere out there is a place i could have been happy if i had found it 15 years ago, but i guess i had stuck around the wrong part of the US a little too long.
tldr
Im fucked, and i need to decide if being homeless in a desolate, impovershed city where ill get stabbed on the streets anyway is better than dying on my own terms.
It's been pretty hard lately and it looks like it will only get harder. I turned 27 last month. It wasnt a very happy day for me. The month before I was laid off from my aprenticeship, the only career Ive ever managed to get. My girlfriend dumped me a couple weeks before that happened. She said she was leaving me for my own good and poof... she was gone. I also lost my home since my lease ended and my landlord decided to sell the property. Now im sleeping on the floor of my friends house. I have two months here before Ill have to leave. Then of course a week after I lost my job the transmission in my car broke. It would cost more than the car to fix it, not that I have the money.
During my move my social security card was lost, and when I called to have it replaced the number showed up as invalid. When I investigated it turned out that my identity has been being used by some mexican guy for the past 8 years. The social services people sent me on a wild goose chase of numbers to call, each number i called transfered me to someone else. The issue still isnt resolved. My drivers licence expired on my birthday too and its replacement, along with my unemployment check, have mysteriously dissapeared in the mail.
I quit school for the aprenticship that i took, but now that I have to sleep at my friends house in another city, i cant go back to school. His city is basically the ghetto so there are no jobs here and no social assistance for anyone with less than three kids. Without a job or my unemployment check or even food stamps i have no money and cant buy food. That isnt such a big deal though because for the past month my guts have felt like they are in a meatgrinder, which has been a cronic pain problem that ive dealt with for several years. Now though the pain is back with a vengence. I can barely stomach eating anything and which is fine becsuse all i can afford anyway is to sit at my friends house and fill out job applications. Ever since my mom died, its all been pretty fucked. At least mom outlived my grandma by a year, It would have been terrible to see gran watch her daughter die before her.
Since everything came crashing down my hair has all fallen out, i have black circles under my eyes that make me look like a zombie, i have cystic acne from stress and poor diet and when i dont wear a shirt my ribs stand out like im a living xylophone. The only thing i have to look forward to is a minimun wage job at McDonalds, if im lucky. To be honest though, that wouldnt be lucky. None of this is lucky. There is no silver lining out in the real world.
Its fine, I get it. Under all the sophisticated rituals and technology, we are just animals fighting to stay alive on a desolate rock hurtling through even more desolate space.
Now though all i can do is wonder "Why?". I wake up and ask it. I lie awake at night on the hard uncaring floor and ask it. Every waking moment i am consumed by the question, why do i bother keeping myself alive? I know the answer. It really isnt hard to grasp. Im just afraid to die. Ive done DMT. Ive had shroom trips in an ice cold desert all alone. Ive witnessed people dying right in front of me, both violent and not. I have no delusions about death being some fantastic doorway to another world, or some romantacised final chapter in a love novel. Death is ugly, and it is the last, most horrifying thing we will ever experience. In fact once death comes, nothing else will even matter, because at that moment death will be our entire reality. My entire reality.
Sometimes I have to stop and wonder the real question within a question. Instead of "why" the question has become "why not". Why not die, here and now, on your own terms. Why not just walk off into the desert with a bag full of percocets, ambien and whatever else. It would be easy, simple and relativly fast. It would be a hell of a lot better than winding up homeless in a ghetto city where no one gives a fuck. Besides, it's not like i have anywhere or anything or anyone. Im sure somewhere out there is a place i could have been happy if i had found it 15 years ago, but i guess i had stuck around the wrong part of the US a little too long.
tldr
Im fucked, and i need to decide if being homeless in a desolate, impovershed city where ill get stabbed on the streets anyway is better than dying on my own terms.
