I've given suicide a great deal of thought & the more bullshit that keeps hitting me, the more attractive an option it feels. Truth be told, Im surprised I've lasted THIS long. I'm rapidly approaching 50, an Christ everthing is falling apart harder & faster ever since Feb 15th, the cursed day I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, had been sound asleep, and the last thing I needed was another fukn drug case. I got kicked out of Ma's house, this fukd me big time as Ive no more professional license. Yes, am on SDI, supposed to turn to long term disability with the help of my doc, but its the idea that I can no longer go back to work, its no longer an option--unless per chance I manage to get these charges reduced or dropped with no $ for a real attorney.
The above written is the reason I bailed out of jail because as crappy as my chances are now, lets just say barring a miracle, I can pretty much guarantee losing my case for sure had I stayed inside. I'd either been railroaded into a fukn guilty plea with an overpriced PROP case. They dont care if you're on disability or have no job. Its $400/mo. Period. I went up in front of the Judge who told me May 1 & no more extensions to find counsel I can't afford. This dude at the dope house recommended I call this lady for homeless court an that often times charges are reduced or dropped. Its my only hope. If I can't get this court, then I was advised by others experienced in the system to get the public defender, but to show them I know these are bogus charges, stand my ground, dont get railroaded into some shite deal.
If they are jerkin around, then fire them and they have to assign a new one, which still buys time. Its been fucked too that this is the 5th time my blasted sdi check is 2 wks late! All I can say is besides being humiliating as hell running out of $, I couldnt pay the bail guy in a timely matter. So last night they impounded my damn car from Ma's house, as it was one of the rare times spending the night as I was invited and to pick up mail. Ma had a party, I had to park on street, makin it too easy so next morning my damn car gone an thats when i said fuck this. Ive been afraid of the consequences of suicide ranging from immediate reincarnation to being some soul wandering an trapped on this realm until I turned the age Id of been not committing suicide.
My car was my home. Period. Whats worse is that and painkillers are my method. Not that Im not scared of the act of doin what is necessary to end my physical existence-or God 4bid whatever crap ass fate came after. Still, Ma does nothin but verbally shower me with contempt and fuck living on the streets Im too old to switch over surviving solely on crime to make a living. And its not my nature to do so. Ma got the car out of impound because even though Ive paid $200-$250/mo x 27 mo which is $4000+ & yet she insists there is $5100 owing on a car she paid $5000 Dec 2010.
She denies Ive paid that much & when I say I have dup copies of all the chex Ive written her since Dec 2005, she goes balistic an wont hear it. If looks could kill. . .
Im happy to not have that fukn bail bill hangn over my head, but mom with her venumous contempt telln the family im a piece of drug addicted shit, changd the locks on home, even though Ive NEVER burged her or anyones home. And I have to listen to an earful of verbal abuse which is y I leave an sleep in car, go from frnd to frnd, or even once a motel 3 nights to get a break from all this. Having to keep asking to take a shower, not having $ my check 2wx late. Its fuckin humiliating. At least when I was working getting paid slave wages, I knew Id get paid every Friday, even if that shit company made me wait an extra week for part of my wages half the time.
Cant access wifi at ma's for some reason an she tore down my home PC along with all my stuff she put in bags. I told her not to bother leaving me anything in her will and to change it to other beneficiary and she ought to think about who should benefit should I predecease her. Accidents happen.
The above written is the reason I bailed out of jail because as crappy as my chances are now, lets just say barring a miracle, I can pretty much guarantee losing my case for sure had I stayed inside. I'd either been railroaded into a fukn guilty plea with an overpriced PROP case. They dont care if you're on disability or have no job. Its $400/mo. Period. I went up in front of the Judge who told me May 1 & no more extensions to find counsel I can't afford. This dude at the dope house recommended I call this lady for homeless court an that often times charges are reduced or dropped. Its my only hope. If I can't get this court, then I was advised by others experienced in the system to get the public defender, but to show them I know these are bogus charges, stand my ground, dont get railroaded into some shite deal.
If they are jerkin around, then fire them and they have to assign a new one, which still buys time. Its been fucked too that this is the 5th time my blasted sdi check is 2 wks late! All I can say is besides being humiliating as hell running out of $, I couldnt pay the bail guy in a timely matter. So last night they impounded my damn car from Ma's house, as it was one of the rare times spending the night as I was invited and to pick up mail. Ma had a party, I had to park on street, makin it too easy so next morning my damn car gone an thats when i said fuck this. Ive been afraid of the consequences of suicide ranging from immediate reincarnation to being some soul wandering an trapped on this realm until I turned the age Id of been not committing suicide.
My car was my home. Period. Whats worse is that and painkillers are my method. Not that Im not scared of the act of doin what is necessary to end my physical existence-or God 4bid whatever crap ass fate came after. Still, Ma does nothin but verbally shower me with contempt and fuck living on the streets Im too old to switch over surviving solely on crime to make a living. And its not my nature to do so. Ma got the car out of impound because even though Ive paid $200-$250/mo x 27 mo which is $4000+ & yet she insists there is $5100 owing on a car she paid $5000 Dec 2010.
She denies Ive paid that much & when I say I have dup copies of all the chex Ive written her since Dec 2005, she goes balistic an wont hear it. If looks could kill. . .
Im happy to not have that fukn bail bill hangn over my head, but mom with her venumous contempt telln the family im a piece of drug addicted shit, changd the locks on home, even though Ive NEVER burged her or anyones home. And I have to listen to an earful of verbal abuse which is y I leave an sleep in car, go from frnd to frnd, or even once a motel 3 nights to get a break from all this. Having to keep asking to take a shower, not having $ my check 2wx late. Its fuckin humiliating. At least when I was working getting paid slave wages, I knew Id get paid every Friday, even if that shit company made me wait an extra week for part of my wages half the time.
Cant access wifi at ma's for some reason an she tore down my home PC along with all my stuff she put in bags. I told her not to bother leaving me anything in her will and to change it to other beneficiary and she ought to think about who should benefit should I predecease her. Accidents happen.