It's been a long, long time, Bluelight.

[WikkedSkarekrow]

Although it has only been a few months since my last post, I feel like it's been a lifetime. I don't like where my life went, and I fear it may be too late to change the outcome.

It all started after a severe Benzo research chemical combination overdose (Etizolam and Flubromazelam in PG solution, administered via IV) put me in a coma and I was trapped in ICU lookin like RoboCop.

Obviously I should have probably taken the hint and walked away from the drug life. But I never learn my lesson. Almost directly after I was home from the hospital, I was ordering more research chemicals.

I'm not going to go in depth about all the drugs, just know there were a lot of bath salts, meth, all kinds of new dissociatives, and opiates of any kind I could get my hands on. You could say I'm somewhat of a 'try everything at least once’ connoisseur. Live fast, die young…

After dabbling in everything that sounded fun, both from research chemicals to the mystical world of the Darknet Markets, I started noticing how extra paranoid I’d become. Not only paranoid, but it seemed like I was deep in the throes of a wicked psychosis again. Only this time things were different. I noticed things that must have always been happening, but never noticeably.

First thing that really stuck out was that people (family, friends, strangers passing me in the street) always had their cameras pointed towards me. Another thing was how everyone spoke differently, almost in a robotic tone, like they were scripted. These things still happen daily and I have almost completely sobered up for the last few months. I've had psychosis and I know the symptoms well. This isn't what it is at all.

I've been dealing with this long enough to act normal again and pretend like nothing is wrong but deep down I know things will never be right. I overdosed on fentanyl one night and after that everything has been happening full force. I honestly believe I died that night and I'm in hell.

I never believed in God, and downright hated religion. Until one might last week that is. God spoke to me (through the environment around me, not directly). I keep getting signals that directly reflect my actions. I think I am supposed to be destined for something huge and I'm destroying my chances, so God is intervening and trying to wake me the fuck up so I can take on whatever it is that's ahead.

 

[deos68]

Although it has only been a few months since my last post, I feel like it's been a lifetime. I don't like where my life went, and I fear it may be too late to change the outcome.

It all started after a severe Benzo research chemical combination overdose (Etizolam and Flubromazelam in PG solution, administered via IV) put me in a coma and I was trapped in ICU lookin like RoboCop.

Obviously I should have probably taken the hint and walked away from the drug life. But I never learn my lesson. Almost directly after I was home from the hospital, I was ordering more research chemicals.

I'm not going to go in depth about all the drugs, just know there were a lot of bath salts, meth, all kinds of new dissociatives, and opiates of any kind I could get my hands on. You could say I'm somewhat of a 'try everything at least once’ connoisseur. Live fast, die young…

After dabbling in everything that sounded fun, both from research chemicals to the mystical world of the Darknet Markets, I started noticing how extra paranoid I’d become. Not only paranoid, but it seemed like I was deep in the throes of a wicked psychosis again. Only this time things were different. I noticed things that must have always been happening, but never noticeably.

First thing that really stuck out was that people (family, friends, strangers passing me in the street) always had their cameras pointed towards me. Another thing was how everyone spoke differently, almost in a robotic tone, like they were scripted. These things still happen daily and I have almost completely sobered up for the last few months. I've had psychosis and I know the symptoms well. This isn't what it is at all.

I've been dealing with this long enough to act normal again and pretend like nothing is wrong but deep down I know things will never be right. I overdosed on fentanyl one night and after that everything has been happening full force. I honestly believe I died that night and I'm in hell.

I never believed in God, and downright hated religion. Until one might last week that is. God spoke to me (through the environment around me, not directly). I keep getting signals that directly reflect my actions. I think I am supposed to be destined for something huge and I'm destroying my chances, so God is intervening and trying to wake me the fuck up so I can take on whatever it is that's ahead.

sounds like you had a taste of the rockstar life
although i am a religious person i wont be bias and say this and that but if you feel it run with it
there is life after all the destruction we do to ourselves

im battling my own demon and i just made a post recently and a fellow brother asked basically what the reason behind my drinking issue....
i honestly thing im just trying to fill a void in my life and instead of filling it with happiness i fill it with pain and sorrow that comes along with the booze

i feel you i went into detox for booze before and after 2 weeks out i went back to the same old shit but even harder

think we need to step back and really see the bigger picture in front of us

me personally if ever OD'd and i made it out alive.... i wouldnt take that for granted im still searching for my second chance

 

[herbavore]

OP you are on a self-destructive path and it has gotten away from you. Give your brain a chance to heal. All those chemicals may be both causing psychosis as well as masking non-drug related psychosis. The feeling that you have that you died and are now living in hell may be metaphorically true but that does not have to remain true. Let the old hungry self die and let the kid in you start over. You live in North Dakota? Lots of empty space there to wander in outside of the human world. Nature can be a good teacher, a good healer.

 

[WikkedSkarekrow]

I'm working real hard to get away from this poisonous city and follow my dreams to the upper West Coast. I need to get away from everyone and everything I know to have a chance at a real life

 

[woamotive]

This is tough. Make sure you work on you, what's inside of you. Speak up, dont keep your emotions and thoughts inside. There are people here who will listen and give feedback and encouragement. Even look for support groups where you live. Shame is terrible and can eat the shit out of your heart and soul. I am in a situation that is similar... won't get into it. My point is I feel your pain. And understand. We need to find passion in living. My heart breaks for you but please work on bettering yourself... nobody knows how this will turn out. What you wish to happen is possible. Have hope.

 

[herbavore]

I'm working real hard to get away from this poisonous city and follow my dreams to the upper West Coast. I need to get away from everyone and everything I know to have a chance at a real life

Getting away from everyone and everything you know can be a double edged sword. Yes, temptation will not be right in your face at first but loneliness will be there waiting for you unless you use this time now to gain real strength inside. Maybe you could make moving to the west coast a reward of sorts rather than trapping yourself by thinking it is the only way out. Gain strength right in the middle of where you are. We always take our problems with us. Maybe you could use the thought of moving to motivate you to resolve some of the problems first.

 

[Moreaux]

OP you are on a self-destructive path and it has gotten away from you. Give your brain a chance to heal. All those chemicals may be both causing psychosis as well as masking non-drug related psychosis. The feeling that you have that you died and are now living in hell may be metaphorically true but that does not have to remain true. Let the old hungry self die and let the kid in you start over. You live in North Dakota? Lots of empty space there to wander in outside of the human world. Nature can be a good teacher, a good healer.

Definately this ^! It may take a few months, but giving yourself a break from substances for a while will give you much more clarity. It took me 6 months away from everything to start to straighten out.

As for relocating - that's a great idea if you have a plan first - otherwise boredom can destroy you. I relocated after I got out of rehab this last time, but I made sure I had a job lined up and plenty of evening activities to keep myself occupied.

Getting outside is great for your health - I certainly envy your position being in Montana. Take advantage of your location - nature can bring so much peace.

I wish you the best!