It's been 3.5 months without blues

[Eyes On the Roll]

Yup took my last dose of blues on may 1st.. I'll try to make this a short post but at the time I was taking so much fucking oxy that it was coming out of my fucking ears. I won't deny that at the time I was doing blues, I was happy, and I won't deny that now I am not feeling so happy. My life has definitely taken a turn for the better since I quit, and I'm doing pretty well again. But not mentally. I've never been well mentally, ever, and that's why I would take drugs recreationally. Now, I guess I'm just back to how I am supposed to be. My life is going great. I'm moving into a 3000 sq foot place on sept 2, I have a new job and everyone I work with is in their 20's, and I know several beautiful girls on a first name basis that I see daily at work, but it's just that I am just not there.. at all.

I feel like, I have an exterior.. but that is just a shell, you know? But, what is that shell protecting? nothing. I have a shell, but there is nothing inside that shell. This is why I have been a heavy substance abuser from age 17-20. It's like there's a gaping whole inside of me, that I need to fill with something. Like a black hole, that just sucks things in and is never satisfied.. and continues sucking things in for all eternity. which ultimately lead to my addiction to blues. I feel like I've been going my whole life trying to feel something, not physically, but metaphysically, or emotionally or however you want to say, I just can't describe it.

Honestly, I wish I was still using oxy, because then, I would still be completely empty.. but I wouldn't be so angry all of the time which is what makes me despise everyone in this world. The person I really am, the person deep down, is what I was trying to run away from by using drugs. Now that I'm not taking drugs or drinking as much, I fully understand why I wanted to change, why I knew that the only way to run away from who I was born to be was to use drugs. There is no other way, there just isn't, trust me I've tried everything. Now, I'm stuck with who I really am, and it's either live like this or go to jail. Drugs aren't an option anymore because I'm on probation. I just feel like one day I'm just going to snap. I get so annoyed and fucking pissed off at the smallest things that people do, and day by day I find it all the more difficult to keep my composure. Just the other day on the phone, my mom said "you're just like your dad!", and it's something I've always known. I am just like the person that I hate the most in this world. I guess it could be said that I hate my self, but at the same time I love myself so much, the only person I trust is myself, and I deeply enjoy my own company.. If I'm ever happy, it is when I'm completely alone with myself. I would love if I was the only human being on earth, then I would be truly happy. But at the same time, I fucking hate myself. One day I'm going to snap. If drugs were legalized, I would be able to function normally and fit in with society.

 

[ranunky]

Blues contain diazepam, not oxy.

 

[DooMMooD]

Blues contain diazepam, not oxy.

Not round these parts. Blue around here = roxicodone 30mg = perk 30 in some areas (which is dumb but still what they say). Yes I have definitely heard valiums called blues, but its slang. So to say "blues contain this, not that" is kinda silly. Local slang varies from place to place. Back in the day of Drugstore Cowboys, opanas (or was it dillys?) were called blues just as another example of that 1 word having different meanings. & I will not even delve into the vast amounts of slang that have different meanings depending on where you go.

And good shit man. It aint easy to start up getting clean again so keep the ball rolling ya know? Plus you'll be more pissed about relapsing than you will be about not being able to use ("I cant believe i caved in!" type deal). What they say 'tis true: a taste of sobriety can ruin getting high.

You have taken some major steps my friend. You have come to realize WHO you are (or at the very least, a part of who you are), which is much more than a lot of people can say. Now that you have made this crucial step, you can either continue to change yourself, or simply accept what you are and go from there. Either way is a legitimate option. Change is INFINITELY harder than living with your flaws though I'll tell ya that much. But its not like you'll ever be defect and flaw free. You can improve aspects though since you have recognized who you are. Meaning you are able to see defects, areas that need or do not need improvement, etc; eg your anger you clearly have recognized.

First step to dealing with a problem is recognizing that there IS a problem, which you have more than done. So to say you're on the right path is an understatement!

You're doing good work man! Do not be so hard on yourself. Baby steps are still steps.

Just keep the momentum going man, juggernaut style!

And even if your motivation for quitting wasn't correct, if you keep faking it till you make it, eventually you will have the right reasons. Better to quit for the wrong reasons than not quit because you wait for the right reasons. I know I always say you need to want to quit FOR YOU. but if you've made it 3 months quitting for an external force, perhaps eventually you can CHANGE the reasoning and keep going even longer!

3 months ain't anything to scoff at. You're clearly doing something right. Yes it is hard to stay clean if you quit "for probation, for my family, FOR anything really" but, now that you've got a clear mind for 3 months maybe you can form some new, better reasons to stay clean (aka for YOU)

 

[badfish45]

Are you at all quitting for yourself or just for probation? I see you say you wanted to change but it wasn't very clear to me whether or not probation was the only thing keeping you sober. On the assumption that there is, you need to be able to take the initiative to change the things that you don't like about yourself. Isn't that the benefit of sobriety? You can become the person that you want to be without feeling like you need to take substances to be somebody. You have the complete ability in you to control your anger, and even if it won't be as easy as just taking drugs and getting it instantly, the hard work will be worth the pay off. What else have you been doing with your life recently?

 

[herbavore]

I'm really happy to hear that you took the plunge and got off of the pills. What you are saying about that hole you feel inside? That's normal. We all feel it because we all have it. I don't think that our culture does right by young people. We are so busy scaring the shit out of young people about all the wrong things (careers, status, money, image) and we fail to teach them about learning to live with uncertainty and fear which is true achievement. We don't discuss existential angst even though that is something that we all share. So each fragile young soul trying to make sense of things gets to feel that it is her or his shortcoming. It's times like these I believe that saying that insanity is a sane response to an insane world!

The part you wrote about your father and being like him is interesting to me. I found that I was also shocked as a young adult to see that I was exhibiting so much of what I had always hated about my Dad. We do start picking up signals before we even know that we are observing our parents so it should be no surprise when we start acting like them. The thing is, we have it completely within our power to root out the behaviors and ways of thinking or reacting that we picked up in childhood. Maybe you got your nature, or your starting point in your DNA but that doesn't mean that it has to remain your definition. In fact, learning to live with and tweak our own natures is what makes adult life worth living IMO. Some of the things I have tried to change in myself were fairly easy but some I'm still working on at 58!

I think the most promising sentence in what you wrote is this:

I deeply enjoy my own company.. If I'm ever happy, it is when I'm completely alone with myself.

That, to me, contradicts what you said about only being a shell. It sounds more like you just haven't found comfortable surroundings for yourself. Maybe a different part of the country or the world? I know that part of feeling like there was no place for me in the world came from moving back to a very conservative part of the U.S. at a very impressionable age. Once I left the midwest and found a subculture more in tune with my worldview it made the struggle much more manageable. Then age happened \) and I found that not fitting in was actually something I valued in myself and it no longer makes me uncomfortable.

Work on yourself. Get therapy that actually feels like it is giving you concrete tools to use against the destructive voices inside. You are not a shell of a person--that much is obvious to those of us who know you from your writing---so a good tool to start with is a voice that talks back to that kind of negative self-talk. when I learned to answer back to my own negative talk with a more positive spin, at first it felt contrived and fake. After I saw the truth in it, it opened up my whole world. I'm excited for you that you are making such big changes. Change is always uncomfortable and brings up so much fear. Don't let the fear back you into what is familiar. Make something new become familiar.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Well, yeah, if I wasn't tied down on probation I'd still be doing blues daily, and taking ecstasy on occasion, just so I can tolerate other people really. When I'm sober I just don't fit in, I don't see any reason to even try to fit in. But, I'm over the whole drug addiction thing. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I tried to quit oxy multiple times with suboxone, and it never worked. Then I realized, if I really wanted to quit, which I did, then I must feel the full extent of withdrawals and all the pain associated. I guess that deep down, I did really want to quit for myself, but I honestly do not know what that reason is. I don't even think about taking the pills anymore, it doesn't bother me, and I don't get cravings. I think what really helped me, was doing it cold turkey and feeling the pain, and realizing that I never wanted to have something control my life. And going through that, cold turkey, strengthened my ego and gave me an abundance of confidence that I never had. I am a person of control, and I must have control over every aspect of my life, I have to, and if I don't I feel like shit. My dad always tried to control every thing in my life, like it was his, even when I hit 21, and that pissed me off so I moved out and have had barely any contact with him since. Having an unintelligent thing controlling every aspect of my life was just insulting. Maybe it was my ego, but I told myself I was way better than that, and it was pitiful to be at the mercy of a substance.

 

[badfish45]

ell, yeah, if I wasn't tied down on probation I'd still be doing blues daily, and taking ecstasy on occasion, just so I can tolerate other people really. When I'm sober I just don't fit in, I don't see any reason to even try to fit in.

You take drugs to fit in don't you? I'd say that's caring how you fit in, and sober life and high life are still all the same life. Don't you realize you have the potential to be who you want to be without using a temporary and harmful solution?

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

You take drugs to fit in don't you? I'd say that's caring how you fit in, and sober life and high life are still all the same life. Don't you realize you have the potential to be who you want to be without using a temporary and harmful solution?

You don't understand. Like I said in my first post, I've tried everything to be and feel normal, and nothing has worked but recreational drugs. Trust me, I've lived in my own mind for 21 years. I am dead inside. Completely. I react to nothing, I feel nothing. All I ever feel sober is hate, disgust, and anger. That's all. All I have ever known is pain and suffering, all my life, for no reason at all. There is no reason for why I feel all this hatred, anger, and just utter annoyance and disgust towards people/society. It's all pathological.. and I've recently come to realize that. It's either live with the way I am and try to cope (which I don't think I can hold up forever honestly.. I will eventually snap), or take drugs and feel normal. I think you took the "Itake drugs to fit in" out of context. I wouldn't take drugs to be cool in other peoples eyes... 75% of the time, all my friends, and everyone around me wouldn't even know I was fucked up, they just saw me as a normal sober human being. When I don't take drugs, people see the real me, and the real me doesn't fit in with the general population because of how angry and aggressive I am.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

something that helps me is to think of what if I had never done drugs nothing not even booze or smoking. If I had never tried drugs what kind of person would I be... its weird when you have a crutch and one day its gone but... really your only normal off drugs, drugs can't fix you.
Also I like to think of the thousands of people around the world who can't or don't do drugs.. ever. lots of sober people out there your not the only one...

 

[pastelcircus]

"We learned how to feel"- narcotics anonymous basic text.. I really do get where yu're coming from, and the mission for me is to now find whatever healthy and positive things exist out there for me to fill that whole with. Congrats on 3.5 months can from your drug of choice, by the way...

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Thanks pastelcircus. I have read the NA book and it definitely focuses on the fact that most of us have some derivitive of anti social personality disorder, and are empty inside, and just want to feel something.

xxsicknessxx, you have no idea what I'm talking about. I was fucked up way before I ever took drugs, Ive always known this, even before adolescence. The reason why I don't try to explain myself to people in real life, face to face, is because people like you, no offense. But, whenever I would try to explain myself to someone, and how I felt.. people would take in in a completely different way, at a complete tangent to what I was really feeling. I eventually gave up, and stopped trying to talk about what was going on inside, because no one understood. I stopped trying to explain, because no one could relate, at all, and it pissed me the fuck off. I would bite my tongue, and agree with them, because I knew that if I tried to explain myself further, they would go off on even more of a tangent.. and I would become all the more frustrated.