Well I looked at the inspection sticker on my car and I thought, uh oh, I let that run out. i will go today and get in re-inspected.
But before I went I wanted to make sure I had all my Necessary docs. I went to the glove compartment and brought out my registration. That too was out of date. Then checked my Insurance card. Just happens that I haven't had insurance since August of this year.
So I called Ins. company. They said I failed to make payments. they need 365.0 to bring that back up to date and since it's past 30 days, will have to write up a whole new policy.
The policy went from 1699 to guess what 5,214 dollars. She then told me to look elsewhere, so I am well and truly fucked.
So can't pay mortgage, can't pay for car insurance, 40,000 in debt. I am pretty much dead and buried financially. My career work history is littered with gaps and jobs where I have little credibility and little chance of references.
And this my friends is where it can all lead to. How did it happen........ gradually and then all of a sudden. Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day I self admitted to the hospital.
It's been a tough year and I am not sure where I will be in a few months physically or financially. But all going to plan I will be here. I will be here clean. I will be here posting. I will be here surviving and growing stronger.
I have no idea how I am going to make this happen. But I will do it. And now things are beginning to make sense. Regardless of my age, I have been a little lost boy who has had very little experience of the real world. I have been hidden in the world of cash tips and never worrying about a bill. It came in and I paid. I went to work, I drank and I made money. But as the years went on I got into a business I knew nothing about with someone I knew very little about. I lost the business I and I was using cocaine more regularly. My pride and self esteem were damaged. I cared so much about how other people saw me. I didn't believe I deserved to be living in the neighborhood I was living in. I had been a really lousy husband to my wife and the shame guilt and remorse overwhelmed me. Bitterness resentment along with self medicating a mental illness kept me from ever getting better. Despite periods of sobriety, despite trying to fall under somebody's wing in AA. To do the steps, to do a fourth step, to be rigorously honest all that was asked of me, I couldn't get better.
I saw little improvement, however as this year has gone on I have stayed clean, I have become a soccer coach, but I have got deeper and deeper into debt. So Despite the fact that life is very difficult right now, maybe I have been doing enough work by myself, on myself, to be able to get a better picture of who I am, what it is that is wrong with me, or at least what needs to be taken care of in a healthier way.
My next step is therapy. I am going to find my own therapist and I am going to get the bottom of me. Money how am I going to afford a therapist. Well I don't know right now. It might not happen for a while, but that is where I am taking myself to. Medication is a must for me. I can feel myself cycling and yet I would tell myself it was nonsense. Hence such inconsistency in my life. On a binge back on the wagon, then back on the drink/drugs. Then never again. Constantly yearning to get it together, get it right.
Feed a man a fish and he will live for a day, teach him how to fish and He will live for a lifetime. Now I can say it is time to start a new living process, of not just getting any job to get money back in my pocket. No it is now that I must prepare for a long steady consistent road. A plan, a future, a plan for my son. A plan to pay bills, know when they are supposed to be paid, spend time looking for better deals better alternatives. Find motivation, not live day to day, week to week. To know where I will be in a month. To be able to plan ahead with conviction. To be able to make my own decisions.... say no to people who I respect even though they may not like it. Honor myself. Believe in myself, believe that if I can write this I can stay sober. I can apply myself to a task. I can complete a task. I can be successful. I can rise again. And when I do I will be stronger for my son. I will be stronger for my wife, if she still wants to be around me. I can and I will come out of this dark dark place and I will see the sun and I will see my sun.
Now to work out how to get from A to B without a car. Brrrr, it;s getting cold out there, not the best time to be without a car, ah well, such is life right now ;- )
But before I went I wanted to make sure I had all my Necessary docs. I went to the glove compartment and brought out my registration. That too was out of date. Then checked my Insurance card. Just happens that I haven't had insurance since August of this year.
So I called Ins. company. They said I failed to make payments. they need 365.0 to bring that back up to date and since it's past 30 days, will have to write up a whole new policy.
The policy went from 1699 to guess what 5,214 dollars. She then told me to look elsewhere, so I am well and truly fucked.
So can't pay mortgage, can't pay for car insurance, 40,000 in debt. I am pretty much dead and buried financially. My career work history is littered with gaps and jobs where I have little credibility and little chance of references.
And this my friends is where it can all lead to. How did it happen........ gradually and then all of a sudden. Tomorrow will be 1 year from the day I self admitted to the hospital.
It's been a tough year and I am not sure where I will be in a few months physically or financially. But all going to plan I will be here. I will be here clean. I will be here posting. I will be here surviving and growing stronger.
I have no idea how I am going to make this happen. But I will do it. And now things are beginning to make sense. Regardless of my age, I have been a little lost boy who has had very little experience of the real world. I have been hidden in the world of cash tips and never worrying about a bill. It came in and I paid. I went to work, I drank and I made money. But as the years went on I got into a business I knew nothing about with someone I knew very little about. I lost the business I and I was using cocaine more regularly. My pride and self esteem were damaged. I cared so much about how other people saw me. I didn't believe I deserved to be living in the neighborhood I was living in. I had been a really lousy husband to my wife and the shame guilt and remorse overwhelmed me. Bitterness resentment along with self medicating a mental illness kept me from ever getting better. Despite periods of sobriety, despite trying to fall under somebody's wing in AA. To do the steps, to do a fourth step, to be rigorously honest all that was asked of me, I couldn't get better.
I saw little improvement, however as this year has gone on I have stayed clean, I have become a soccer coach, but I have got deeper and deeper into debt. So Despite the fact that life is very difficult right now, maybe I have been doing enough work by myself, on myself, to be able to get a better picture of who I am, what it is that is wrong with me, or at least what needs to be taken care of in a healthier way.
My next step is therapy. I am going to find my own therapist and I am going to get the bottom of me. Money how am I going to afford a therapist. Well I don't know right now. It might not happen for a while, but that is where I am taking myself to. Medication is a must for me. I can feel myself cycling and yet I would tell myself it was nonsense. Hence such inconsistency in my life. On a binge back on the wagon, then back on the drink/drugs. Then never again. Constantly yearning to get it together, get it right.
Feed a man a fish and he will live for a day, teach him how to fish and He will live for a lifetime. Now I can say it is time to start a new living process, of not just getting any job to get money back in my pocket. No it is now that I must prepare for a long steady consistent road. A plan, a future, a plan for my son. A plan to pay bills, know when they are supposed to be paid, spend time looking for better deals better alternatives. Find motivation, not live day to day, week to week. To know where I will be in a month. To be able to plan ahead with conviction. To be able to make my own decisions.... say no to people who I respect even though they may not like it. Honor myself. Believe in myself, believe that if I can write this I can stay sober. I can apply myself to a task. I can complete a task. I can be successful. I can rise again. And when I do I will be stronger for my son. I will be stronger for my wife, if she still wants to be around me. I can and I will come out of this dark dark place and I will see the sun and I will see my sun.
Now to work out how to get from A to B without a car. Brrrr, it;s getting cold out there, not the best time to be without a car, ah well, such is life right now ;- )