iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
It's odd, I guess you could say, how in one certain instance, an action, one last minute decision, you could change your mind on how you feel. Perhaps our hearts force out words that we don't mean to protect itself from breaking any further. Or maybe that's where our selffishness lays. When we feel threathened or feel someone attack, the heart just fights back until it can't fight anymore- Then it gives up.
What is it that allows someone to have so much power over you? It's said that you should always listen to your heart because it will lead you in the right direction- but what is is that makes it so hard to break away when you know it's for what's best? Why don't we ever listen to our first instinct that says this isn't right or listen to that gut wrentching feeling that says stay away? Why do we put so much time in believing in someone? In the end we only find alot of lost time that should have been wasted on believing in ourselves.
I should have listened to myself when you wouldn't come over for Christmas dinner. My family was so upset about that. They all wanted to meet you so bad. I should have listened to myself when I spent New Year's Eve and Day alone. I should have listened to myself when I spent the day before my birthday and have of my birthday alone, wondering if I was going to see you. I should have listened to myself when I spent 1 1/2 months alone in my room wondering when you were going to come home or if you were going to make living with your ex-girlfriend and best friend a permanent thing. I should have listened to myself when I wanted to get an apartment alone. I should have listened to myself when I sat in our apartment waiting for you to come home- on those nights you didn't. I should have listened to myself when I said I didn't want to fall in love.
But instead of listening to myself-
I listened to everyone asking me why I was spending so much time alond-
Everyone asking me where you were.
I got so sick of telling everyone that everything was okay. I think I started to believe it really was, even though everything around me was crumbling.
But instead of listening to myself-
I sat here time after time and listened to you tell me that I need to change.
What is it exactly that I need to change? Maybe the fact that I don't listen to my gut instinct?? That could be a start.
And then you'll go and say "I love you sooo much but this is rediculous!" Well no fucking shit it is. Why bother even telling me. Is it suppose to make things a little better? You love me. You love me. ????????
Now that I look back on this past year, I only see one thing-
You've got one fucked up way of showing love.
And you want to know another real fucked up thing?
After all of this---- after all of fucking this-
I still don't want to leave. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to see you walk away. I don't want to hear that last goodbye, until we see each other again. Because we never will. It pains me too much to think of your name, to think of the last time I made you smile, to think of the last time I made up upset. It pains me to think that there will be someone who will do all these things to you- That won't be me.
Do you remember that night when we were sitting in your room and you said to me, "You would never go out with me, would you?" And I said, "Nope because I know your kind, I know how you are." Then I laughed and looked away. That's another time I should have listened to myself. But instead I giggled some more and had to explain to you just what I meant by 'knowing how you were.'
We made a deal remember? We looked at one another then you spoke.
"If you cheat on me, I'll slit your throat."
"if you break my heart, I'll slit yours."
I kept my end up, why couldn't you? I know you'll read this one day and I hope it doesn't make you mad or upset or more hateful towards me, because I love you y'know, I really do. You know what's going to kill me the most - when everyone is going to ask where you are and they won't believe that we aren't together, because when they looked at us all they saw was perfect. I guess nothing really is.
They say when you need to say something to someone (in certain instances) you should write them a letter and never send it. I guess that's what I'm kind of doing right now. Only I don't want you to read this because I know you'll take it the wrong way. I don't want you to read my list of "i should have's" I don't want you to know how hard I tried to make this all work. I don't want you to know how much i really love you, and I don't want you to tell me the same. It's not going to make a difference anyway, it hasn't yet.
This is all so fucked up. All you keep saying to me is that my mind is made up. So what's the point of talking. My mind isn't made up yet. But I think we both know what has to be done.
When you came home yesterday, and you layed on the couch with me I didn't want to move. We went to the bar and everything was terrific. And everything could have been fine when we went home, if we just would have let things rest for one night. If we didn't have to discuss it for once. Did you see what you did to me? What power you have over me. I didn't want to hear an apology from you that you were sorry this didn't work. And you're sorry that you don't have anything to offer me. And that you loved me. That made it so hard. Did you see my heart pounding out of my chest... my whole body shaking as you were rubbing my back and the tears were pouring out of my eyes? And when we finally had enough and we got hateful towards each other.... you called me a whore, i told you i hated your guts and called you trash. I knew you didn't want to leave. You came back to the apartment three times.... for stupid reasons. A lighter, a sweatshit... whatever else.
And all I did was sit on the couch lifelessly and watch you shuffle around. And when I said nothing you walked out slamming doors and screaming 'hope you have a nice fucking life' I watched you from the busted out window from the last fight. I watched you walk away and then turn around and stopped yourself before you got to the door, turned towards the car again and drive off. I knew you weren't coming back. I sat on the couch lifelessly.
The phone rang and my girlie said "jenny what are you doing" and I said " i hate everything.... i ... i ... don't know what to do" "i'll be right there".
When I got home it was almost 3 a.m. I packed all my stuff neatly into bags and laundry baskets and placed it all neatly besides my couch. I fell asleep hoping that I would be woken up by you. But I wasn't. I walked 2 miles into town to find myself typing aimlessly... about words I wish weren't said... and actions that didn't take place. I grabbed some clothes, ya know incase I didn't feel like walking home.... I left you a note there. I want to run home now, and take the note and throw it away.... I want to put all my clothes back in the closet and put the dishes away. I want you to know that i'd do anything to make this work, to make us okay.....
I don't know how.
I don't think you do either.
I just want to hold you and think that this will all be okay.
You are not in arms reach.... I don't know where you are.
You don't know where I am.
Why aren't we sitting in our fucking apartment?
It's not going to be ours soon.
Can't we just have one more good night?
What is it that allows someone to have so much power over you? It's said that you should always listen to your heart because it will lead you in the right direction- but what is is that makes it so hard to break away when you know it's for what's best? Why don't we ever listen to our first instinct that says this isn't right or listen to that gut wrentching feeling that says stay away? Why do we put so much time in believing in someone? In the end we only find alot of lost time that should have been wasted on believing in ourselves.
I should have listened to myself when you wouldn't come over for Christmas dinner. My family was so upset about that. They all wanted to meet you so bad. I should have listened to myself when I spent New Year's Eve and Day alone. I should have listened to myself when I spent the day before my birthday and have of my birthday alone, wondering if I was going to see you. I should have listened to myself when I spent 1 1/2 months alone in my room wondering when you were going to come home or if you were going to make living with your ex-girlfriend and best friend a permanent thing. I should have listened to myself when I wanted to get an apartment alone. I should have listened to myself when I sat in our apartment waiting for you to come home- on those nights you didn't. I should have listened to myself when I said I didn't want to fall in love.
But instead of listening to myself-
I listened to everyone asking me why I was spending so much time alond-
Everyone asking me where you were.
I got so sick of telling everyone that everything was okay. I think I started to believe it really was, even though everything around me was crumbling.
But instead of listening to myself-
I sat here time after time and listened to you tell me that I need to change.
What is it exactly that I need to change? Maybe the fact that I don't listen to my gut instinct?? That could be a start.
And then you'll go and say "I love you sooo much but this is rediculous!" Well no fucking shit it is. Why bother even telling me. Is it suppose to make things a little better? You love me. You love me. ????????
Now that I look back on this past year, I only see one thing-
You've got one fucked up way of showing love.
And you want to know another real fucked up thing?
After all of this---- after all of fucking this-
I still don't want to leave. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to see you walk away. I don't want to hear that last goodbye, until we see each other again. Because we never will. It pains me too much to think of your name, to think of the last time I made you smile, to think of the last time I made up upset. It pains me to think that there will be someone who will do all these things to you- That won't be me.
Do you remember that night when we were sitting in your room and you said to me, "You would never go out with me, would you?" And I said, "Nope because I know your kind, I know how you are." Then I laughed and looked away. That's another time I should have listened to myself. But instead I giggled some more and had to explain to you just what I meant by 'knowing how you were.'
We made a deal remember? We looked at one another then you spoke.
"If you cheat on me, I'll slit your throat."
"if you break my heart, I'll slit yours."
I kept my end up, why couldn't you? I know you'll read this one day and I hope it doesn't make you mad or upset or more hateful towards me, because I love you y'know, I really do. You know what's going to kill me the most - when everyone is going to ask where you are and they won't believe that we aren't together, because when they looked at us all they saw was perfect. I guess nothing really is.
They say when you need to say something to someone (in certain instances) you should write them a letter and never send it. I guess that's what I'm kind of doing right now. Only I don't want you to read this because I know you'll take it the wrong way. I don't want you to read my list of "i should have's" I don't want you to know how hard I tried to make this all work. I don't want you to know how much i really love you, and I don't want you to tell me the same. It's not going to make a difference anyway, it hasn't yet.
This is all so fucked up. All you keep saying to me is that my mind is made up. So what's the point of talking. My mind isn't made up yet. But I think we both know what has to be done.
When you came home yesterday, and you layed on the couch with me I didn't want to move. We went to the bar and everything was terrific. And everything could have been fine when we went home, if we just would have let things rest for one night. If we didn't have to discuss it for once. Did you see what you did to me? What power you have over me. I didn't want to hear an apology from you that you were sorry this didn't work. And you're sorry that you don't have anything to offer me. And that you loved me. That made it so hard. Did you see my heart pounding out of my chest... my whole body shaking as you were rubbing my back and the tears were pouring out of my eyes? And when we finally had enough and we got hateful towards each other.... you called me a whore, i told you i hated your guts and called you trash. I knew you didn't want to leave. You came back to the apartment three times.... for stupid reasons. A lighter, a sweatshit... whatever else.
And all I did was sit on the couch lifelessly and watch you shuffle around. And when I said nothing you walked out slamming doors and screaming 'hope you have a nice fucking life' I watched you from the busted out window from the last fight. I watched you walk away and then turn around and stopped yourself before you got to the door, turned towards the car again and drive off. I knew you weren't coming back. I sat on the couch lifelessly.
The phone rang and my girlie said "jenny what are you doing" and I said " i hate everything.... i ... i ... don't know what to do" "i'll be right there".
When I got home it was almost 3 a.m. I packed all my stuff neatly into bags and laundry baskets and placed it all neatly besides my couch. I fell asleep hoping that I would be woken up by you. But I wasn't. I walked 2 miles into town to find myself typing aimlessly... about words I wish weren't said... and actions that didn't take place. I grabbed some clothes, ya know incase I didn't feel like walking home.... I left you a note there. I want to run home now, and take the note and throw it away.... I want to put all my clothes back in the closet and put the dishes away. I want you to know that i'd do anything to make this work, to make us okay.....
I don't know how.
I don't think you do either.
I just want to hold you and think that this will all be okay.
You are not in arms reach.... I don't know where you are.
You don't know where I am.
Why aren't we sitting in our fucking apartment?
It's not going to be ours soon.
Can't we just have one more good night?
