Although initially pissed getting talked into renting this motel room cause he didnt have half the $ to put up, I must admit this is my 3rd an final night, but it has been a blessed respite. I have an actual bed to sleep in. I dont get yelled at for not keepin the damn room spotless at all times. I can go on the net in peace. I can be left alone in peace without constant, never ending criticisms. And while knowing and accepting part of the blame, ever since my latest bust that as far as I'm concerned was illegal search and seizure of my property.
Its been made quite clear I am no longer welcome in her home. Ive never had charges of theft or been a clepto and have been way worse off habit wise, kicking, yet during my worst phase robbed moms place. I could easily if i wanted. I dont. Changing the locks wasnt necessary. Not even lettn me borrow a key an hr, a day ect. Hell, I had more trust WAY MORE at a house full of dope fiends, dealers, and strangers and mom behaves as if I might go on a burg bender an rob her blind. At 50 yrs old, never having done that craziness, especially in a deminished capacity physically, Im hardly a threat.
It is what it is. Ive never been violent or motivated to scam an turn stolen goods into cash for mega more dope. If anything, my biggest sin noticed by others and myself is simple laziness. Ive never been ambitious and lacking in energy an motivation. I want to keep my chin up. Sometimes I succeed. Like two nights ago here when my friend was company 1st night, I remembered one tool was to meditate,breathe, send out 4givness vibes to the world, pray asking for the willingness to help me help myself out of a mindset that no matter how much I try, I will always remain stuck and bogged down restrained from lack of money.
An inner voice filled me with compassion and that just forgive an let the baggage go, that who was or wasnt at fault, if it was all my fault or if so called enemies did as much as possible to make life difficult or painful. Just be willing to let it go. Forgive. There was alot of violence an fighting outside motel room that night. My friend Joey kept frettn the cops are gonna come, they are gonna hurt us outside blah blah. "Joey. Wotever gonna hapn is gona hapn. Dont trip. What harm do we really need to fear? Angry people or cops overcome by rage an kill us? If we die tonight, how bad can the end of this transient life of gd an bad be if fate made us give up life, "life" that is nothing but constant change. Got $? That will change. Got a luxury car? Job u love? Job u hate?That will change. Pain? That too will pass.
If death then came knockn that night, seeing myself sending out love, forgivness, aware of about to leave behind a world that is perishable, oppressive sadness laying heavy on others they long ago conssciencly aware of it no more. For me, for Joey, should death come then leave behind the falseness of this place give up pain for a much better deal, no duality, simply The Source. IT is all and love is all there is. A guiltless mind cannot suffer as The Course elaborates forgive, be forgiven, be healed. On the level of form guiltless minds can override pain even when the flesh riddled with disease that had been imposed by self, or by Mind.
The conflict outside by others mimicked my own internal conflict and shattered psych, interesting. No coincidence. I sent out love, desire healing to those in pain. So this is my landscape, a mirror of my sickness. My chemical addictions Im not sure if I will ever again be without. I felt pity instead of fear of those outside. I told Joey no point to fear. We have lights out, we're quiet, Im sending out forgivness outside and then to my shattered spirit within. "we are not bad, just sick." Forgive us anyway. I forgive the demons within and without real an imagined."
"I want you for my friend forever," Joey said. Thats sweet. I will share the
only thing I have to offer, I said an friendship is all I got. Still, Im a drug addict like you and we accept each other anyway. Its not much, but powerful enough. It was no coincidence an hour it took to calm the internal conflict within, peace and silence replaced the fighting, shouts, and violence that had been outside.
Its been made quite clear I am no longer welcome in her home. Ive never had charges of theft or been a clepto and have been way worse off habit wise, kicking, yet during my worst phase robbed moms place. I could easily if i wanted. I dont. Changing the locks wasnt necessary. Not even lettn me borrow a key an hr, a day ect. Hell, I had more trust WAY MORE at a house full of dope fiends, dealers, and strangers and mom behaves as if I might go on a burg bender an rob her blind. At 50 yrs old, never having done that craziness, especially in a deminished capacity physically, Im hardly a threat.
It is what it is. Ive never been violent or motivated to scam an turn stolen goods into cash for mega more dope. If anything, my biggest sin noticed by others and myself is simple laziness. Ive never been ambitious and lacking in energy an motivation. I want to keep my chin up. Sometimes I succeed. Like two nights ago here when my friend was company 1st night, I remembered one tool was to meditate,breathe, send out 4givness vibes to the world, pray asking for the willingness to help me help myself out of a mindset that no matter how much I try, I will always remain stuck and bogged down restrained from lack of money.
An inner voice filled me with compassion and that just forgive an let the baggage go, that who was or wasnt at fault, if it was all my fault or if so called enemies did as much as possible to make life difficult or painful. Just be willing to let it go. Forgive. There was alot of violence an fighting outside motel room that night. My friend Joey kept frettn the cops are gonna come, they are gonna hurt us outside blah blah. "Joey. Wotever gonna hapn is gona hapn. Dont trip. What harm do we really need to fear? Angry people or cops overcome by rage an kill us? If we die tonight, how bad can the end of this transient life of gd an bad be if fate made us give up life, "life" that is nothing but constant change. Got $? That will change. Got a luxury car? Job u love? Job u hate?That will change. Pain? That too will pass.
If death then came knockn that night, seeing myself sending out love, forgivness, aware of about to leave behind a world that is perishable, oppressive sadness laying heavy on others they long ago conssciencly aware of it no more. For me, for Joey, should death come then leave behind the falseness of this place give up pain for a much better deal, no duality, simply The Source. IT is all and love is all there is. A guiltless mind cannot suffer as The Course elaborates forgive, be forgiven, be healed. On the level of form guiltless minds can override pain even when the flesh riddled with disease that had been imposed by self, or by Mind.
The conflict outside by others mimicked my own internal conflict and shattered psych, interesting. No coincidence. I sent out love, desire healing to those in pain. So this is my landscape, a mirror of my sickness. My chemical addictions Im not sure if I will ever again be without. I felt pity instead of fear of those outside. I told Joey no point to fear. We have lights out, we're quiet, Im sending out forgivness outside and then to my shattered spirit within. "we are not bad, just sick." Forgive us anyway. I forgive the demons within and without real an imagined."
"I want you for my friend forever," Joey said. Thats sweet. I will share the
only thing I have to offer, I said an friendship is all I got. Still, Im a drug addict like you and we accept each other anyway. Its not much, but powerful enough. It was no coincidence an hour it took to calm the internal conflict within, peace and silence replaced the fighting, shouts, and violence that had been outside.