GEMINITHEKID
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
- Messages
- 17
October 13th will be 1 year since the worst decision I’ve ever made. I’m gonna blame it on the meth and alcohol along with my terrible decisions in life. I feel awful for what I did to my now wonderful wife, my parents, my brother. My girlfriend ( If there’s a god bless her soul we married a few months later. She slept by my side in the hospital bed for 2 weeks even though the IV antibiotics made me smell awful. She watched me do it and her training as a police officer kicked in and kept me from asphyxiating on my blood and bleeding out.) l didn’t even think about what I was doing when it happened, I was very drunk, I had robbed a restaurant a few weeks prior and was out on bail and soaking in my own misery thinking about how much of a disappointment I was to everyone. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was listening to dead skin by crossfade on the back porch steps and I chugged the fourloko I was drinking, the 2nd one of the evening and walked into the bedroom, grabbed my 9mm, racked a 115 Grain FMJ into the chamber, put the barrel in my mouth and squeezed the round off. The trigger was so light, it didn’t even give me a chance to think about what I was doing before everything went dark. I came to after maybe a few seconds and instantly went into shock, blood was everywhere, and it kept on flowing from my face and mouth all over my bed, my sheets, and my wife who was also in shock but trying to asses the damage and quickly give aid. I knew I was going to die, but I was going to be conscious for it…shit. I lived a good lifestyle until my early 20s, a great family, loving parents that never split up and we’re always there for me and my brother, took care of us and loved us till this very day. I always did the right thing and was a good young man, I was a firefighter for a while, volunteer, but it was my dream. I had quite a bit of training as a first responder and had seen some severe accidents in the time I spent in the department. My training told me I was, for a lack of a better phrase, in deep shit. Even though a few moments before I had just wanted to die, now I wanted so desperately to live, my fight or flight kicked in and my mind and body chose the latter, I jumped up from where I was laying and ran. I ran out the back door, back through the front, looking I assume for an ambulance that was obviously (at least I thought) screaming through our quiet town to our location to save my ass. I’m not sure what I was thinking running around my house and yard bleeding out with my wife in tow trying to help me. I don’t remember much of that, it’s a blur I assume from adrenaline, blood loss, and the alcohol still in my system, my blood alcohol approx 40 minutes after the incident and after severe blood loss was still 0.19. The high levels only contributed to the blood loss as alcohol thins the blood quite significantly. We live in a rural town, population 3300, I know almost all of the police officers on a first name basis, in a good way, even after my crime and arrest. The officers showed up first, one of the officers I actually consider a friend, we are the same age my wife actually dated him for a time, a real good dude, even have a couple beers with him from time to time. And another female officer I didn’t know to well, only in passing and the occasional friendly traffic stop. The female officer threw open the door with kit in hand and went to work, I was still standing but only by pure adrenaline at this point. The male officer, our friend…well he was pissed. And rightly so, I was an idiot and did something real stupid, he could tell when he saw the injury, I was gonna regret it for a long time but I was probably going to live. I didn’t know how bad it actually was and neither did my wife from all the blood, it was pretty much a best case scenario as far as gunshot wounds to the head go. When my wife said something or screamed or whatever she did when I put the gun in my mouth, I don’t remember and she forced herself to forget, I turned my head as I pulled the trigger, the front sight gashed the roof of my mouth open, the powder and fire caused severe burns in my throat and mouth to the point I couldn’t eat solid food for weeks, liquid diets are awful by the way. But by some miracle the bullet made entry at an angle when I turned my head, it bounced off of my teeth and jaw and exited whole out the side of my face destroying my parotid in the process, along with the soft tissue on the inside of my cheek, and the nerves in the left side of my face. A year later and my cheek is scarred and tight and I have no feeling on that side of my face from my chin to my ear. The damage is hard to see now, it’s mostly inside and my beard covers the scars on the outside. However the mental scars remain, not only for me, but also my loved ones. I like shooting recreationally, it’s one of my favorite pastimes, however the stigma of what I did still remains for everyone around me. I still own the gun that I shot myself with and I know everyone is scared that I might do it again, no matter how much I tell them I’ll never try it again after staring death in the face, and the pain I had to endure even with IV fentanyl for weeks afterwards. I would never do it again, no matter how bad things get, not because the pain or fear, but because of the moment I had to face my brother, my mom, my dad who I’ve never seen fall to his knees and cry before until that night in the emergency room. And for my wife who not only went through the trauma of the act, but had to watch me do it and was covered in my blood from trying to save my life all night. I did it because of my own failings, the depression from the alcohol and the meth abuse, my crime I did out of desperation for more money for my habits, because I was a deadbeat who didn’t want to work, and the crime only alienated me further from myself and my family. I assumed nobody loved me, I was a failure, to be wrote off as a loss, no friends, pushed away everyone I loved and that loved me. I was alone. Boy was I wrong, and fucking stupid. I spent 13 days in intensive care at a large hospital, the life flight was waiting when the ambulance arrived quite a while after the incident but it wasn’t needed,I was stabilized and taken by ambulance (about a 40 minute ride of searing pain) the ambulance took quite a long time to get to the house after the call to 911 was made, police arrived in a few minutes, ambulance maybe 10-15 minutes after the call was dispatched but it was late, around 1am so I’m not gonna talk bad about them, I went to high school with one of the paramedics she was very caring and helped calm me down. It was painful to speak for several days, but the support I received while in the hospital was overwhelming, not just from my family but from from friends I never thought I would see again. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and another week in a psych ward where I was prescribed lithium which I promptly threw away when discharged. I didn’t need meds I knew exactly what needed to be done, I turned my life around starting that day, I went to work, I quit drinking and abusing drugs, I worked hard to repair my relationships and finally things started looking up, I rented my own house with my wife, we got a new car, instead of relying on others for those things while destroying my life. And a year later we still have tough times but things are much better. I still use stimulants but very rarely and in moderation, my mind is in a better place to be able to use them recreationally, I don’t drink anymore at all as looking back I find it was the main factor of my depression, I drank heavily, like a case every night, and it ruined me for years before I shot myself. I write this hoping to reach out to anyone who may be struggling and as a glimpse into what really happens when you make a decision as harsh as the one I made, it doesn’t hurt you, but everyone around you. I write this to give an example that life doesn’t have to end in tragedy and things will always get better as long as you make an effort to fix it. Nothing you have ever done or felt warrants ending your life, your life is beautiful and I want to see you live it to the fullest.
With love ~ Barrett
Attached is a link with an image of my wound after a few days, it’s not terrible but it’s not pretty.
With love ~ Barrett
Attached is a link with an image of my wound after a few days, it’s not terrible but it’s not pretty.
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