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Issues with fiancé's family

Pagey

Pagey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 11, 2012
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The Valley of Ashes
Alright, this is gonna be a bit long but bear with me!

So my fiancé and I started seeing each other maybe about a month after he'd broken up with his ex. Judging by everything he's ever said about her she sounds like the biggest immature bitch imaginable, and this was proven to me last Christmas when she got drunk and decided to tell his whole family that I'm a heroin addict - apparently she somehow found out my BL username and stalked me on here for weeks (I did say she was an immature bitch). I never got that upset about it at the time because it was never brought up again so I figured his parents had just discarded it and not thought anything of it. Except that the other day, my fiancé told me that his parents asked him about it a few months ago and he told them that yes, I used to be a heroin addict.
Now this really, really bothers me. I feel completely violated because this quite frankly this just isn't his family's business. It happened before he and I had even met and it's something I really struggle to accept about myself so I should have the right to decide when or when not to tell people. I hate his ex to no end for doing that and honestly I'm really annoyed at his parents for asking him because they should respect my privacy. I'm vaguely annoyed at my fiancé for telling them too but I get that he was put on the spot.
What bugs me the most is that I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. He says it doesn't change his family's opinion on me but frankly that's not what matters - it changes how I feel about them and I dunno if I'm ever going to be able to look them in the eye again. I feel like they've completely invaded my personal life.
I've also been the bigger person during this whole thing and I've never so much as spoken to his ex, let alone told her what I thought about her after this whole thing. But now that I know that it did actually have consequences I just want to punch her in the face frankly. But she's a good friend of his family's so I can't even do anything to get back at her.
Feels like I'm just standing here being taken cheap shots at and I've no way to defend myself. I'm angry, hurt, uncomfortable, violated and I feel like I need to do something or I'll never feel comfortable around his family again.

What would you guys do if this happened? I'm at a complete loss :(
 
Yep, I agree with the above. I wouldn't be too annoyed at the parents, as long as they seem to be giving you a fair shot...as a parent myself, of course I would ask my kid about something like that if I heard it.

You can't change the past, all you can do is concentrate on yourself going forward. They have already seen what a wonderful person you are - if they had not, I am sure they would make a bigger deal about it.

If it really, really bothers you, just address the issue directly with them and say " I know *that hateful bitch* told you I was a heroin addict. That is true. I am not proud of that time in my life, but that is over now. It took hard work, and I wouldn't change it because it made me the person I am today"
 
You may have been a heroin addict, dear, but you never acted like a dirty, awful junky. So you used some heroin and got addicted? Happens to the best of us.

You've been moving on with your life, getting shit done, etc etc. The judgement that really counts here is yours, not theirs, IMO.

Parents in law can be awful as it is. If a lil heroin addiction is the worst that can happen and they hate you for it, well....
 
The parents should see that their son is an amazing person for being with you and accepting your past. They should see that you are staying sober, being productive and focusing on the future while you are in a relationship with their son. Their son is a positive influence on your life, positive enough that it's keeping the dragon asleep. Isn't that the ultimate complement to them? Time with their son, the son they raised, has a positive impact on your life?

It sounds like the ex-girlfriend isn't over your fiancé and is trying to use her positive relationship with his family as leverage to get him back. If they see her in a very positive light, they may be naïve to the fact that she violated your privacy. But really, you need to be in a relationship with who does it for you if you want to go the distance. Too many people get into relationships due to who their friends and/or family would approve of. The other girl is possibly the one that society would want him to be with, but you're the one with whom he shares the passion. And once you get a dose of what passion is in a relationship, it's probably impossible to go back to the status-quo acceptance type of "love."

If you do speak with them about it, be assertive but not too forthcoming. "Yes, I used to be addicted to heroin. I am clean now and am structuring my life to remain so. Your son really helps me with that. He knows a lot of the details of it, but really it's a personal matter for me, as talking about it too publically can draw up the same negative emotions that kept me locked into the addiction. I want to move forward."
 
That sucks. They should have never known about this, precisely because of the instinctive, fearful reaction they had. :(

Just remember that everyone has their own problems. They are not superior to you. Perhaps if you give it time, they will come to know you better and, once they do, they'll see that this was just one part of your life and it doesn't define you. In the meantime, hold your head high. When they see your strength, it may make them feel less fearful about this part of your past.
 
That's awful. My gf and my xgfs don't even know I have a bl account.... if they did, being nosy as they are, they'd dig up everything I've ever posted on here and want to "discuss" it.

The only not bright but less than dark side about this is that it will tell you what kind of people your bf's family are. Hopefully you won't find taht they are intolerant bigots but rather are the warm-hearted people who will accept you and your history (which isn't even their business) into their clan.

Another thing that comes to mind is how do his parents know he has a bl account? They did't need to know that. Are they going to judge him the same way the judge you?
 
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They didn't need to know that but unfortunately they do. How to make the best of the situation? It seems like they are okay with it. I mean, you're not anymore. I think that's what really matters to them.
 
Be honest with them, don't be ashamed about your addiction. Parents worry about their children.
 
Thanks a lot for all the answers. Aaaah, it's frustrating that everyone agrees there's nothing to do and I just need to wait and get past the whole thing - I'd been thinking about speaking to his parents about it anyway so I think I will do now a few people have mentioned it in here too. At least it would make me feel like I'm taking some kind of action.
I hate that it's even taken away from my happiness at celebrating one year clean recently by making me feel like it's stuck to people's perception of me anyway...and no one who's not been in this kinda situation sees the strength of an ex-addict in getting out, they only see the failure of getting in :\

Bleh. I hate this. Anyway again, thank you, the advice is really helpful <3

Oh and socko his parents don't know about BL, it's his ex who somehow found me on here. Who knows, psycho that she is she might still be reading this now :| and his parents do know about his drug use but he's never been on heroin or addicted to anything so it goes down a lot better than mine...
 
That X is trouble. My own X "Psycho Suzie" was the kind of person who, if she found out about my bl account, would tell her parents, mine if they were still alive, my current girl friend and her family, my boss, my last boss, my last boss before that, and all of my neighbors. The bad things she did tell on me for, I never brought them up with the people she told. Because she was unreliable and certifiably psycho (in and out of mental institutions -- in case anybody is wonderign what was the matter with me for being with someone like her, my own childhood was so fscked up that I thought that was normal at the time and I stuck with her ), nobody took her very seriously.
For awkward personal life situations, sometimes it's best to never speak of it again. If you talk about it, it will bring up all of thoughts and feelings you don't want brought up. You will feel awkward. His parents will feel awkward. Worse, it will make it that much more real and believable. They might be giving you the benefit of the doubt b/c the person who told them was crazy.
 
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^No but that's the thing, she said it originally but then they asked my fiancé and he confirmed it so they definitely know it for a fact now. But you're right, it might make things more awkward. I think I'll see how it goes next time I see them and if I really feel too uncomfortable then I'll bring it up, if not hopefully I'll manage to forget about it.
 
I think talking to them is a good idea! Explain things from your side. I'm sure they'd be willing to listen and they'd know you take initiative, etc. :)
 
Pagey,

First off, sorry your dealing with this but allow me to say this; if my son's ex gf did such a thing like what this lady did to you I would be so disappointed in her for invading your personal history and using such an experience against you like that, even if she was still a friend of the family, my opinion of her would drop considerably.
My opinion of you would also be affected but not in a negative way. Sure, I would be concerned and curious as to how your doing now but mostly I would be impressed as all get that you overcame such a thing and I would be proud and extra protective of you because after all, my son is in love with you and that makes you Family.

Remember, they did not invade your privacy; she did. Sure, they asked their son about it but imo, that could be out of love for both of you. There parents after all. Of course they need to know all is well.

What this girl did was so out of line and small; but there is little you can do aside from maintaining that high road your already on.
 
just act like everything is fine when you are around his family and if they bring it up be all like "yeah i was on heroin but thats a long time ago and i dont see why its anyone's business but mine"

of course his family are going to be nosy, thats expected and i think you are taking your hate for this asshole of an ex out on them, because you cannot access her. get over it and realise its not a big deal and if they act funny about it you can take the moral high ground by saying that its not their business anyway
 
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