Issue with jealousy/neediness (2 parter).

[Lustmord]

Jealousy

Alright, so this is a problem that has been going on for a while between my girlfriend and me -- as a matter of fact, ever since we started dating.

She is a model, and I just get ridiculously jealous. She doesn't do nudes, but at times she does do shoots in lingerie. When I see those pictures my hearts feels like it's
sinking into my stomach. I've told her many times how I feel, so she knows, but it's something that she really wants to do so I told her I would work on me and for her
to consider how I felt. Basically, that I would try not to be so jealous of what she does.

I don't know what to do, everything I've looked up on jealousy isn't helping. Can anyone help me?

-----
Neediness

Next issue.

Sometimes she goes on 2-3+ day long trips to shoot. For example, next weekend she is going to Las Vegas. This was a last minute decision, one of her modelling friends
just invited her on today. I can't go, because it's her friend's trip and she "doesn't want to be rude and ask if I can come". She's gone on trips before like this, and over
the days that she was gone I was absolutely miserable. She knows this, but she says its unfair to her because she won't be able to have a good time if she knows I'm
at home severely depressed.

And this is a no win situation, because if I do convince her to stay, she'd be mad at me, and I would also feel bad because I WANT her to go and have a good time. I
just don't know what to fucking do, I don't want to bring it up again. I want her to be happy and have some fun.

She gets depressed and very lonely when I'm gone too, one of the last times I was out of town she took a bunch of Valium and drank (we keep each other clean,
we both have our histories with drugs. Benzos weren't her vice, but that still makes me feel like shit). So she knows exactly how I feel. If I knew that she would be home
depressed, I wouldn't go anywhere, and if I did it would be overnight and I'd be back the next day before she even wakes up.

I'm just so emotionally frustrated, someone set me straight. I just want to get a bunch of fucking opiates and be blissful again for the 4 days that she will be gone.


PS: We live together.

 

[justsayknow]

Maybe try and find something that makes you happy on your own. Something to keep your mind off it while she's gone?
It sounds like you two love each other a lot but you have a bit of trouble coping on your own.

Do you think she is too good for you? Is that why the pictures of her and the working away make you feel "Like your heart is sinking in your stomach"?
Surely you are good enough or she wouldnt be with you now?

The bottom line is that she is'nt responsible for you being depressed when she's gone and she needs to earn a living somehow. If its easy for her to do something else and her current work isnt that important to her then maybe she could look at doing something closer to home but it sounds like it is the type of thing she has worked hard to get into and isnt easily given up.

What is it that you do that takes you away from home? You said she gets lonely too.

I hope you find something less destructive than the opiates to take your mind off it. Something that makes you feel more valuable and worthwhile as a person.

 

[silentcowboy]

I felt similar and eventually that was the cause of the break up. I know now that the feeling of losing someone (especially over jealousy) is a million times worse then jealousy in the first place. Jealousy comes and goes while the depression of a break up can last years as mine did.

 

[justsayknow]

I don’t know how long you guys have been together or how things have gone for you in the past. Not sure if there are any trust issues or what reasons you have to feel jealous. I am probably not the best person to be giving you advice because I have fucked up enough of my own relationships but usually by feeling the opposite of what you are describing ie too independent and too keen on being alone. Anyhow I have copied some advice from the “experts” about relationship stages and being independent. I don’t know if it will be of any use to you but it sounds like you are in a bit of a transition in your relationship and hopefully you will move to another level with it soon. I hope this makes sense for you

Intimacy and separateness

Real intimacy is when two independent people choose to come together. The words of Kahlil Gibran from the poem "The Prophet" are often quoted about the balance of intimacy and separateness in relationships.
'Let there be spaces in your togetherness ... Love one another, but make not a bond of love ... Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone ... And stand together, yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.'

Stages
Most couples go through a number of stages in their relationships:

In love ...
This is a time when couples wear rose-tinted glasses, and idealise each other. They can't spend enough time together, and make light of any differences between them. Love will conquer all.

Recognising differences ...
Eventually couples move on to the next stage of their relationship. This can happen early in their relationship or sometimes not for a year or two. Couples begin to be aware of the differences between them, and become more realistic in their view of each other. Arguments that are more than lovers' tiffs will often occur.
The earlier experience of being in love and the bonding together of the couple now come into play and serve to re-assure couples that their relationship will survive.

I want to be me ...
Most couples in the third phase are learning how to be individuals and much of the energy of the two partners goes into establishing their own lifestyle - as parents, in their work and in their interests outside the home.
This is often a time when the relationship seems to coast along and the partners want less from each other. They know the relationship is there, and it is safe to be busy in the outside world.

Together by choice ...
The fourth phase is a process of finding each other again, of seeking greater intimacy and deepening the relationship. The partners now have a stronger sense of themselves as individuals. They are choosing to be together, to be dependent and intimate at times, rather than needing to be together.
This phase represents the end of the journey from being "in love" to "loving". There is a growing balance between 'I' and 'us'. The relationship is based on choice rather than depedency - two partners, who are not afraid to be independent, who choose to be together and to be intimate.

What does a good relationship need?
• respect
• honesty
• trust
• love
• companionship
• mutual emotional support
• intimate expression
• economic security

 

[Lustmord]

Do you think she is too good for you? Is that why the pictures of her and the working away make you feel "Like your heart is sinking in your stomach"?
Surely you are good enough or she wouldnt be with you now?

I don't know, to be honest. I just feel that my girlfriend's ass shouldn't be out for everyone to see.

The bottom line is that she is'nt responsible for you being depressed when she's gone and she needs to earn a living somehow. If its easy for her to do something else and her current work isnt that important to her then maybe she could look at doing something closer to home but it sounds like it is the type of thing she has worked hard to get into and isnt easily given up.

It's something that she really wants to do, and I wouldn't think of asking her to stop or giving her some sort of ultimatum.

What is it that you do that takes you away from home? You said she gets lonely too.

Well, I moved 2.5 hours away to be with her. I left my friends and family behind, so once every two months or so I drive back in
the morning to see everyone and hang out, then I stay the night and drive back the next morning (I'm back before she even wakes
up that day.)

 

[Lustmord]

I don’t know how long you guys have been together or how things have gone for you in the past. Not sure if there are any trust issues or what reasons you have to feel jealous. I am probably not the best person to be giving you advice because I have fucked up enough of my own relationships but usually by feeling the opposite of what you are describing ie too independent and too keen on being alone. Anyhow I have copied some advice from the “experts” about relationship stages and being independent. I don’t know if it will be of any use to you but it sounds like you are in a bit of a transition in your relationship and hopefully you will move to another level with it soon. I hope this makes sense for you

We talked about it last night. There are a few trust issues I think, and it's something we're working on. Thank you very much for the text, I read through it and I think I would place us in the "I want to be me", or transitioning from "recognizing differences" to "I want to be me".

 

[llama112]

What do you do? Do you work? School? What are your hobbies?

I think that finding hobbies or even one hobby that keeps you busier, that would help.

I don't understand the whole jealousy thing at all. I'm not sure exactly what you're jealous about though. It's not like she's cheating on you.
But the neediness thing, I do understand. Sometimes it gets lonely when you're used to having your partner around. I used to see my boyfriend like twice a week, but then for the past few months it has been more like twice a month. That was very hard for us! But finding new things to do, that helps. New hobbies, new interests. Exercise really helps too. Just finding things to do for yourself

 

[Lustmord]

What do you do? Do you work? School? What are your hobbies?

I think that finding hobbies or even one hobby that keeps you busier, that would help.

I don't understand the whole jealousy thing at all. I'm not sure exactly what you're jealous about though. It's not like she's cheating on you.
But the neediness thing, I do understand. Sometimes it gets lonely when you're used to having your partner around. I used to see my boyfriend like twice a week, but then for the past few months it has been more like twice a month. That was very hard for us! But finding new things to do, that helps. New hobbies, new interests. Exercise really helps too. Just finding things to do for yourself

I go to school. For my hobbies I play video games and make my own electronic music. It's just when I get depressed I don't feel like doing anything, and bringing myself to do anything at all is really tough. I just don't like anything I produce when I'm depressed, even if it sounds good.

It doesn't make me feel any better, but I don't understand the jealousy thing at all either. I know how I feel though. I just don't know how to make it go away.

I exercise a lot too, I just haven't in the past few months. I just got started again these last couple of days. I mean, I try to keep busy.. It's just overwhelming for me at times.

 

[djep]

Jealousy is the most useless and dividing emotion there is. If you don't start supporting what your partner does your jealousy will divide you. If you support what your partner does and let her do it with her own space she will adore you.

Neediness is just insecurity, another useless emotion. Your partner works in a different field to you, for her she needs a partner that works with her, supports, encourages and compliments what she does for work, if she sees that ^^^^ she will adore you. If she has someone that is worried about what she does, where she goes and what she might possibly be up to while she's away the relationship will not work.

This is quite simplistic but if you want an easy answer this is it. Get excited about what your partner does, don't try and build a brick wall in front of it, she will knock it down.

 

[Tude]

Jealousy is the most useless and dividing emotion there is. If you don't start supporting what your partner does your jealousy will divide you. If you support what your partner does and let her do it with her own space she will adore you.

Neediness is just insecurity, another useless emotion. Your partner works in a different field to you, for her she needs a partner that works with her, supports, encourages and compliments what she does for work, if she sees that ^^^^ she will adore you. If she has someone that is worried about what she does, where she goes and what she might possibly be up to while she's away the relationship will not work.
This is quite simplistic but if you want an easy answer this is it. Get excited about what your partner does, don't try and build a brick wall in front of it, she will knock it down.

This.

 

[Lustmord]

Jealousy is the most useless and dividing emotion there is. If you don't start supporting what your partner does your jealousy will divide you. If you support what your partner does and let her do it with her own space she will adore you.

Neediness is just insecurity, another useless emotion. Your partner works in a different field to you, for her she needs a partner that works with her, supports, encourages and compliments what she does for work, if she sees that ^^^^ she will adore you. If she has someone that is worried about what she does, where she goes and what she might possibly be up to while she's away the relationship will not work.

This is quite simplistic but if you want an easy answer this is it. Get excited about what your partner does, don't try and build a brick wall in front of it, she will knock it down.

Thank you.. pretty much what I needed to hear.

 

[Lustmord]

But how do you deal with those jealous feelings?

 

[justsayknow]

Maybe ask yourself what is at the root of the jealousy? Is it a lack of trust? Is it because you are unhappy with yourself or feel you are not good enough for her?

Or is it because you are worried about other men looking at her in her job as a model? If this is the case you need to remind yourself that looking is all they will be doing. You are the one that she is choosing to be with and even if she wasnt modelling it sounds like she's an attractive woman and men would be looking at her and feeling attracted to her even if she was doing some other kind of work. This is outside of her control but what she can control is that YOU are the one she's coming home to and YOU are the one she's committed to.

It's natural for you to feel protective of her but you need to differentiate between situations when this necessary and situations when this is just making it worse for you.

 

[TangerinO]

My girlfriend is also a model. My best advice is just try and focus on letting her do what makes her happy.
Easy for me to say, it's not really an issue for me at all but just try and focus that jealousy on something positive, like how it makes her feel and why she enjoys it.

The worst issue for me is having to approve or at least give opinions on all kinds of accessories and clothes, but I try to be supportive, the same way she's not going to tell me to shut my mouth if I'm stoned off my arse and rambling a bunch of shit. I'm a rambly talkative person so.

I wish I could be more help, I guess my best advice is try and pin point where the jealousy is coming from, not how to deal with it. Jealousy will only create horrible tension that manifests in all sorts of fucked up ways, at least in my experience.

 

[Foreigner]

Both of your issues are related to boundaries.

Jealousy is fear of losing something you cherish. You need to come to an understanding that relationships are not about ownership and possessiveness. Even if she is exclusively with you and never cheats, she does not *belong* to you. She is and was never yours.

Neediness is related. It's about not being able to stand in your own power, as an individual. Instead, you want someone else to provide it to you, like a sense of completion, love, etc. Until you learn to improve your self-esteem and generate these things for yourself, you will always feel incomplete without a partner; and when you are actually in a relationship, you will always worry about losing them. You need to become your own source of love and power.

I hate the expression "meeting your other half". The other person is not there to complete you. You are already a complete person with or without them, if you can't genuinely feel that then you have some personal inner work to do. You're in the relationship to learn and grow, as well as have some fun. In your case, maybe your lesson is to learn how to love with detachment.

I always approach relationships as impermanent, even if we are together for years. It allows me to really cherish them in the moment, and then let them go when the time is right. If you really love someone, I don't see why it has to mean you should be joined at the hip all the time. Loving them also means they have dreams, aspirations, pursuits, ambitions, and social lives that won't always involve you; loving them means you love them no matter what it is they do. If there are conditions attached to your love, then sorry, it's not love.

True love is always unconditional regardless of what the other person says or does. It is never jealous or needy. It does not need anyone else to be complete, because it comes from you and not them. If you think otherwise, then you are caught in an illusion.

Here's a test you can do to prove it. Imagine yourself in the most loving situation you can possibly think of. It could be with family, friends, a lover/romantic partner, whoever. Really get into it. When you start to feel love, guess what? That came from you, not anywhere else. The same is true if that person was standing right in front of you saying, "I love you". That love is the love that you already are. Now BE that love, and you will stop feeling so needy and jealous. You don't need her to be it. She could walk out of your life and you would still be a loving person who loves her as she walks away.

 

[Noodle]

^

Absolutely spot on.