Isolation

I'm much happier when I'm alone but alone is dangerous for me right now. They say the 'disease' is at its strongest when we isolate but the thing is, people just get on my fuckin' nerves. Plain and simple.

'They' also say 'Principles before Personalities'. Well, I guess I have different principles (or none at all).

I walk taller when I walk by myself.
I speak clearer when I am by myself.
I see more good in the distant stranger when by myself.

When I am with a group:
I slouch with self-doubt
I don't speak my mind as often as I should
I see the bad in the close 'friend'

Am I different than the others that are in the rooms I frequent? Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to disqualify myself from personal growth and potential freedom.

Life requires interaction with all different types of people on a frequent basis. Maybe the discomfort of socialization is helping me deal with the reality that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD OTHER THAN MYSELF. There is no escape from that. So I gotta learn.

I do know that this is the exact opposite of my behavior when I was using. I didn't socialize at all unless it was the rare instance I used with others. I was with myself, by myself unless absolutely necessary back then.

Now I gotta deal with people and their ridiculous flaws (as if I'm not ridiculously flawed myself).

Well, I didn't use today so I must be doing something right.

Day 65 and it IS getting easier. I AM seeing tiny little bits and pieces of real, hardcore benefits to this new lifestyle I have chosen.

I still think about that needle every fucking day but I don't think of it as often.

I wish I could withdraw from people but I don't have that kind of luxury. I need to do things differently NOW if I truly want to be okay someday.

 

I also prefer my own company. I can get along well with others, but I'm a solitary person at heart. But of course, the danger of being alone is that we have more time on our hands, and are more likely to think about drugs. Maybe we just need to find some kind of balance? Some social activities to keep us occupied, while leaving us enough time to relax and be by ourselves.