ISO Empathy in dealing with chemical impotence.

[Afoolinlove]

Hi. I am new to bluelight and looking for some support. I am married to an addict who is on methadone maintenance therapy. He has no plans to do anything other than "maintain" at this point. He has no desire to start tampering down his dose or going through medical detox. He is also an active heroin user (at times? *sarcastic laugh*). With methadone, he can stop buying heroin for some weeks, but generally relapses. He has been a drug user since childhood. He was a pill popper when I met him 5+ years ago, but eventually graduated to snorting h. I think many people who are married to or a parent/child of a drug addict can understand the destruction of trust that goes along with addiction. I have attended NA style meetings in the past and learned a lot about accepting that I can't control his addiction. Yet, short of leaving him (something I never want to do because I love him, am independent financially, and he treats me very well), I have trouble understanding how to be supportive of him without being an enabler. The way I've managed to deal with it is to try to insulate myself by being as independent of him as I can manage.

He is the best lover I've ever had. We always had great sex, where I would finish multiple times and felt very sexy/alive. We would get it on and (explore new things!) about 1x or 2x a week. He was a regular horny guy. Sex started dropping off as soon as we got married. He started using and getting in a lot of legal trouble, plus the stress of repeated dishonesty. A year later he started on methadone. It has destroyed his sex drive. Its very difficult for me because I've always had a high drive and adventurous spirit in the bedroom. Even though LOGICALLY I understand that its not me, EMOTIONALLY I still feel badly and, worse, PRACTICALLY there's no solution to the problem. Performance is a big issue (I am heterosexual with some bisexual tendencies), but, more than that, its the lack of desire (the "chase," if you will), imagination, enthusiasm - whatever you want to call it. It took a year of sexlessness, for me to ask for permission to meet my needs with other people. It helps to have a physical relationship on the side, but its not a replacement, in any way, for the marital relationship that I miss. I miss the simple things, the day to day hotness that we used to have. He allows me to see other people, but he is not comfortable knowing anything about my lover. Aside from that, I've expressed to him how I'd really prefer to do more sexual things with him, even if its not intercourse. He's been exploring sexual fetishes with me, but it is unsatisfying because he really doesn't have any interest in of his own and only participating to please me.

I feel very guilty for wanting sex as much as I do. I never thought I would understand the physical side of addiction, but now I empathize with him more knowing how difficult it can be when your body physically craves something to feel normal. I am a very lucky person that I have such an open and loving relationship with my husband. He still loves me and treats me like gold, never withholding his affection. Now that I've been out in the dating scene, I realize what a wonderful man I have (aside from the addiction and sexual dysfunction). Its been extremely difficult, as a married woman, to find men who will treat me the way I expect to be treated. I am just sick with the loss of my hubby sexually and I feel like I'm never going to be able to get used to it or be fully satisfied by anyone else. This negative attitude (of always wanting intimacy that I can't have) is getting me down. I'm not looking for anyone to give me the "solution" to this problem. I am quite certain there isn't one, aside from him becoming healthy again. What I am looking for is some empathy. Maybe someone who has experienced this (from either side, partner or addict). Is anyone out there?

Thank you for reading.

 

[pofacedhoe]

he needs to come of methadone at some point. you cant live forever on that shit, if he tapers slowly the sex drive will come back

its up to him.

at the same time he needs to want to stop or it will never work

 

[pentouch]

Come on,what the fuck? He is coming trough withdrawal from drugs I can imagine that he is miserable and you fuck around because you cant handle your vagina cravings?? I don't emphasize with you,just came along to say that you are a thot (dont take it personal,a lot of women are sex addicts today,mainly because of sexual power,got men hitting on them constantly) year of no sex isnt something crazy,withdrawals are crazy ..so if he manages to kick his habit why dont you do it too?

 

[Afoolinlove]

@pofacedhoe - have you or anyone you know used methadone? I agree that its up to him. And, frankly, I'm not sure if he *really* wants to stop. Clearly, he's sacrificing a lot in his life to remain an addict. If you have some experience with methadone, but don't want to discuss it publicly, please PM me.

@pentouch - I think you are right that people CAN get addicted to sex. But I think when it comes to sex drives, there's a wide range of "healthy" drives. Maybe your drive is lower than mine, so you can go without for a year without going crazy. In my case, I've been sexually active for 17 years and only "single" for about 6 months at a time once or twice... then, of course, the year of sexlessness I described. I've been having sex multiple times a week for a long long time. I think my brain and body are more balanced when I have orgasms 1x or 2x a week. When I wasn't having sex, it actually got to the point where I became frigid and couldn't even get off by myself. I had to get real with myself because I was miserable and talk to my husband about all the temptation I was feeling. We talked for over a month before we agreed to try open marriage. We also try to do other things besides penetrative sex (like rope bondage, taking dirty pics, playing with toys etc. and so on) to keep our intimate connection alive. I am not promiscuous (i.e. I haven't had many partners) and we have rules about what level of risk or what behavior is appropriate. I do think that if his sex drive came back, I would not need an outside relationship. At this juncture, though, he's not "kicking his habit." I understand if your experience with sex (or sex drive) is different or if you have a different moral compass and can't empathize. Thank you for responding nonetheless.

 

[aroma borealis]

I can empathize with your situation. I was married to a heroin addict, but I was one too at the time so the sex thing wasn't really an issue. I left him because I wanted to get clean and he didn't, and realistically I couldn't stay clean while living with a using addict (I had tried and failed).

One way of looking at it that I thought of is that he has his outside love too -- dope. He's willing to hurt you and put the relationship in danger for the sake of maintaining his relationship with it. I say this knowing how compelling heroin can be. It seems like you have a somewhat workable solution for the time being, anyway. Only time will tell if you eventually meet and fall for somebody else who can be fully there for you, or if your husband will eventually get clean and hold this agreed-upon arrangement against you. You don't say if you have children.

I'm not interested in judging you or him. It's hard on the both of you, and I truly wish you well. Seems like there is a base of love there between you.

 

[Afoolinlove]

@aroma borealis - GOOD ON YOU FOR GETTING CLEAN. I can't imagine how difficult it was. I've had the exact SAME thought about methadone/opiates being the "other woman" in our marriage. There are times when I wonder whether leaving him is the only way to make him realize the danger our relationship is in. That's the part about coping vs. supporting him vs. enabling that troubles me at times. Is finding a way to live through it just another way I am furthering his addiction?

I get concerned too, at times, about whether he will hold this against me. But its been 2 years of this arrangement and he says he loves me more than when we began. We don't have children yet. We want to start trying in 2 years, but I am concerned about having children with an addict. I know he may not kick the habit in 2 years, but I want to be completely independent by then and be comfortable with the reality that I may be a single parents someday if this continues.

Thanks for not judging me. Yes its hard on both parties. We do love each other very much and have good communication. I appreciate your support. It made me feel so much better.

 

[Kalb13]

Yes i can relate, ive been using opiates and mostly heroin for 11 years on and off, and kicked and got back on more times than a fun pass at disneyland...around and around i went for years until 2 years ago i got clean and met someone, and now were living together very much in the hardest part of being in love. I relapsed months ago and she stayed with me until i could get detox meds and kick at home. I feel INCREDIBLY guilty for all the times my dick worked great because i was all high and warm with that fuzzy feeling... Im in week two now of withdrawals, NO OPIATES at all to ween off, and it has been one of the hardest kicks ever. Maybe its cause im getting older and my bodies starting to break down. Im not sure but USUALLY im CRAZY horny during and especially right after withdrawals, but this time the sick shaky weak feeling wont go away. My anxiety is through the roof and i cannot imagine being intimate with another person right now. That could change but i feel SO GROSS that i dont feel worthy of getting laid while my body falls apart. My dick is shriveled like im in cold water on coke most the time, which is also new. I hope this is just a matter of patience and time passing cause i feel emasculated and useless atm. Its humiliating.

 

[pasha]

love, sex, and drugs all manipulate the reward circuit, the latter to the greatest potency. opiates could very well indeed be his 'second woman'.

sex is great, but you just can't beat an opiate high. if you leave him, i very much doubt he will choose you over drugs. it's only if and when he leaves drugs (completely and for an extended period of time) can you have a sexual relationship with him which is fulfilling. i'm not talking about the hypersexuality that an opiate taper or withdrawal symptoms can bring about, but rather reaching a point where the body has achieved homeostasis and the 'high' or the need for the high of drugs no longer trumps the 'natural high' of love and sex.

 

[pofacedhoe]

@pofacedhoe - have you or anyone you know used methadone? I agree that its up to him. And, frankly, I'm not sure if he *really* wants to stop. Clearly, he's sacrificing a lot in his life to remain an addict. If you have some experience with methadone, but don't want to discuss it publicly, please PM me.

i have experience of comming off poppies, i know that if you lower your dose it will make you horny. withdrawl will make you horny

its not easy but he can only get off it by tapering. its not gonna work if he stays on same dose forever plus methadone is known for being worse withdrawl that goes on for ages cos of its half life