I really can't put my finger on this one, but 'depression' is the only word that comes up when I think about this. I just get the feeling as of late that I don't understand anyone, and that no one quite understands me. My mom has so many grudges that she holds onto towards other people in my family, and is constantly trying to reinforce them into my head in hopes that I continue the cycle, but I am not having any of that shit and always lash back about how unhealthy all that shit is, and we frequently get into heated arguments because of it. My father, well let's just say he did some shit to me and my sister when we were young that left me mentally/emotionally scarred and is probably a key reason as to why i'm 22 and am unable to get close to any girl I come across. Or maybe im just some creeper who somehow freaks out all the girls I end up liking, and have them slowly fade away from me
that's the first mindfuck for me, am I pushing people away subconsciously, or am I just some dude that thinks way too 'out there' and thus people just slowly drift away from me because of my often reductionist and nihilistic outlook on most of their 'problems'?
I mean, I just look at so many people and 'friends' of mine with their trivial problems in life, and how most of them are just slowly wasting time by eating shitty food, watching shitty movies and calling it 'hanging out', and doing shitty drugs(i.e. alcohol) just because its socially acceptable. One part of me is sick of all that shit and is glad to be 'transcendental' to that whole mess, but the other part of me is sad and lacks any feeling of community
Must be kinda fun at times to be super religious and not have to worry about questioning things further, and just having a bunch of other half baked people searching for simplicity
I don't fucking wear jewelry like most people, or have earrings, or wear trendy clothes(not saying that it's wrong to do so), I just have clothes. Most of which don't fit properly anymore. I don't connect with this whole pretty boy shit that's going around, sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel awesome, other times I look in the mirror and pick every possible flaw and will let it get the better of me.
I just feel like i've lost most of my sense of personal identity and the ability to connect with something... someone. I just constantly look around and see so many problems in the world, and how everyone is perpetuating them by simply ignoring the fundamental flaws in the way we think and perceive- the fact that the way our society thinks is so contradicting that it creates so many 'side effects', and thus we just make more medicines to fix the side effects, rather then tackling the root problem(in a metaphorical sense of course).
I feel like i've outcasted myself from most things, and with my own banishment i've also lost my sense of self, and although I can see things in a much more neutral manner, I am not anymore happier- it makes me more sad if anything because I don't have anything nearby to hold onto. But I guess I never really did in the first place
I just feel like I have too much to say and that not many people are truly willing to be honest enough with themselves to hear things for what they really are: mostly bullshit. I try my best to look at everyone at eye level, but will admit sometimes my fucking ego is a sneaky bastard and will allow me to think i'm being selfless, but in fact am just being an egotistical dick looking down at the people i've 'transcended'.
Its weird though, I don't feel 'lonely'. But I do feel alone- all the time. Even when i'm with people at times, unless they're intellectually stimulating and can actually manage to distract me for a few hours. I feel alone all the time, especially at night when i'm in my super comfy bed, looking out at the mountains with a cold ass breeze consuming my room, looking at the moon and stars, just wanting to 'go back' if you know what I mean.
Lately I have been having such a feeling of being 'comfortably numb' it's not even funny... I just don't give a shit about the outcome of anything that's been happening, whether its job related, or family related, or if it's having friends slowly lose interest in me and drifting apart. Or my complete lack of sexuality... I just don't fucking care as of late
Self expression is important to be but I still have a lot of trouble finding something connecting to, except for music and stand-up comedy...most of the inspirational figures in my life were musicians or stand up comedians, and consequently most of them were dead before I found out about them.
Anyways, is this what depression really is? I lack meaning right now in life... maybe i'm overdue for a psychedelic trip or something. I dunno though, it seems the more I trip, the further down the rabbit hole I go, and the more detached I become from 'myself'?
By the way, I have been taking 20mg of Adderal 3x a week for about 9 months now, I think this may have something to do with it. I am planning to slowly ween off this shit and be completely off of it by the end of next month.
that's the first mindfuck for me, am I pushing people away subconsciously, or am I just some dude that thinks way too 'out there' and thus people just slowly drift away from me because of my often reductionist and nihilistic outlook on most of their 'problems'?
I mean, I just look at so many people and 'friends' of mine with their trivial problems in life, and how most of them are just slowly wasting time by eating shitty food, watching shitty movies and calling it 'hanging out', and doing shitty drugs(i.e. alcohol) just because its socially acceptable. One part of me is sick of all that shit and is glad to be 'transcendental' to that whole mess, but the other part of me is sad and lacks any feeling of community
Must be kinda fun at times to be super religious and not have to worry about questioning things further, and just having a bunch of other half baked people searching for simplicity
I don't fucking wear jewelry like most people, or have earrings, or wear trendy clothes(not saying that it's wrong to do so), I just have clothes. Most of which don't fit properly anymore. I don't connect with this whole pretty boy shit that's going around, sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel awesome, other times I look in the mirror and pick every possible flaw and will let it get the better of me.
I just feel like i've lost most of my sense of personal identity and the ability to connect with something... someone. I just constantly look around and see so many problems in the world, and how everyone is perpetuating them by simply ignoring the fundamental flaws in the way we think and perceive- the fact that the way our society thinks is so contradicting that it creates so many 'side effects', and thus we just make more medicines to fix the side effects, rather then tackling the root problem(in a metaphorical sense of course).
I feel like i've outcasted myself from most things, and with my own banishment i've also lost my sense of self, and although I can see things in a much more neutral manner, I am not anymore happier- it makes me more sad if anything because I don't have anything nearby to hold onto. But I guess I never really did in the first place
I just feel like I have too much to say and that not many people are truly willing to be honest enough with themselves to hear things for what they really are: mostly bullshit. I try my best to look at everyone at eye level, but will admit sometimes my fucking ego is a sneaky bastard and will allow me to think i'm being selfless, but in fact am just being an egotistical dick looking down at the people i've 'transcended'.
Its weird though, I don't feel 'lonely'. But I do feel alone- all the time. Even when i'm with people at times, unless they're intellectually stimulating and can actually manage to distract me for a few hours. I feel alone all the time, especially at night when i'm in my super comfy bed, looking out at the mountains with a cold ass breeze consuming my room, looking at the moon and stars, just wanting to 'go back' if you know what I mean.
Lately I have been having such a feeling of being 'comfortably numb' it's not even funny... I just don't give a shit about the outcome of anything that's been happening, whether its job related, or family related, or if it's having friends slowly lose interest in me and drifting apart. Or my complete lack of sexuality... I just don't fucking care as of late
Self expression is important to be but I still have a lot of trouble finding something connecting to, except for music and stand-up comedy...most of the inspirational figures in my life were musicians or stand up comedians, and consequently most of them were dead before I found out about them.
Anyways, is this what depression really is? I lack meaning right now in life... maybe i'm overdue for a psychedelic trip or something. I dunno though, it seems the more I trip, the further down the rabbit hole I go, and the more detached I become from 'myself'?
By the way, I have been taking 20mg of Adderal 3x a week for about 9 months now, I think this may have something to do with it. I am planning to slowly ween off this shit and be completely off of it by the end of next month.
