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is this considered "suicidal?" give me ur opinion...

sconnie420

sconnie420

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 9, 2012
Messages
1,185
Location
midwest
Long story, hard 2 explain, but here goes..

Recently a women went missing in town, and was found 2day dead.. I can't help but think how lucky this woman is to not be around anymore..don't get me wrong, I feel for her family and what not. I get mad bc their are people out their who want to die, but an innocent is murdered.. I just get jealous bc they're gone and I'm still here waiting and hoping.

Or anothr example, when some1 does commit suicide in town.. I wish it was me having the guts to do it, and then the jealously starts again..

Btw I live in a relatively small town. News spreads quick.

What do u think.. I've thought about dying a lot and how I don't want to be around anymore, but have never made any serious plans to carry it out..I've contemplated the how's, but not recently or anything.
I guess I'm just confused if this is considered suicidal or not..
 
Thnx bud 4 the reply and not making me feel crazy..

The funny thing is I currently get help, and am actually just about done w/ the counseling sessions.. She thinks I'm good, and feel a little better for most part other then this..

I would surround myself w/ positive, but there isn't any in my life right now.. Everything is 1 hot ass mess.. Sux

Thnx again tho, ill take all the advice I can get.

I'd try anything 2 feel bettr b4 actually committing suicide. I'd just like to get to a point in my life where it's not always sitting @ the table, if u know what I mean.
 
Jealousy is separate from a desire, let alone actively felt.
An active desire to die is also different to an intentionally fatal action.
You know where you're at, what what your will is.

Think of the things you want to attain/experience.
 
Yeah, desire is probably a better word choice then jealousy.. Sorry I'm not real good w/ words and saying what I mean..


Hell I can't even get a decent job so attaining anything is next to impossible for me. I work a dead end job, and can't get a bettr 1 2 save my life bc every1 in my town is unemployed so always some1 better.

Idk, just sux where I'm @ I guess.
 
sconnie420 said:
Thnx bud 4 the reply and not making me feel crazy..

The funny thing is I currently get help, and am actually just about done w/ the counseling sessions.. She thinks I'm good, and feel a little better for most part other then this..

I would surround myself w/ positive, but there isn't any in my life right now.. Everything is 1 hot ass mess.. Sux

Thnx again tho, ill take all the advice I can get.

I'd try anything 2 feel bettr b4 actually committing suicide. I'd just like to get to a point in my life where it's not always sitting @ the table, if u know what I mean.
Click to expand...

Hey it's no problem.

You could always start posting in the 'normal' social area threads of BL.
I'm positive and I'm here. Replying to your post.

You know it's drug use that makes you feel like shit?
Stick to what the doc says and I swear to you that you will begin to feel better.

Promise.
 
I would continue the counselling sessions because you sound depressed. I'm depressed a lot lately and being bipolar, and not taking meds like I should, the lows can be overwhelming. Tell your counselor about your getting jealous of people dying. You're not nuts, just need something to look forward to.

I knew this girl years ago who was constantly going to people's funerals it seemed. She would say "So and so's ex-husband, or cousin whatever died. I'm going to the funeral. You want to come?" I used to think she did it to get out of work because some of the people she never even met. Maybe she was getting over something that happened in her life and needed closure.

Sorry to get off topic, but that seemed strange to me.
 
The meds have actually been making me feel better for most part.
On rec drug I use frequently is green..

I post in the cd thread also, but.. Idk I def. Need more positive in my real life.. I have much here, but RL is anothr story.. If I could stay in my BL world I'd be good..

:( I'm just not doing well 2day, sorry.
 
You gotta find something meaningful in your life, however small it may seem. Obviously, it's not your job! lol...Just anything to make life worth living...I'm bipolar and have moments where I wish I could just fade away and cease to exist, but I'd never carry it out...If I go out and just do something small, it makes me feel much better...
 
T. Calderone said:
I would continue the counselling sessions because you sound depressed. I'm depressed a lot lately and being bipolar, and not taking meds like I should, the lows can be overwhelming. Tell your counselor about your getting jealous of people dying. You're not nuts, just need something to look forward to.

I knew this girl years ago who was constantly going to people's funerals it seemed. She would say "So and so's ex-husband, or cousin whatever died. I'm going to the funeral. You want to come?" I used to think she did it to get out of work because some of the people she never even met. Maybe she was getting over something that happened in her life and needed closure.

Sorry to get off topic, but that seemed strange to me.
Click to expand...

Thnxs for the reassurance bc I sure feel like I am sometimes.

, I'm not going to these peoples funerals..

I need something to look forward to, live for, somethng.. Bc if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, I dnt think I could handle It.

@blue.. I def. Could do it.. I dnt want to but I could.. Anyways, I'm a midwestern girl myself( midwest being main word) :) holla
 
One thing I'm looking forward to is moving back to Michigan. I miss the change of seasons.

Yay Midwest people!
 
Nothing but <3 for the MW..

I'm looking forward to being happy someday, hopefully & maybe finding unconditional love (if it even exist)
 
I'm sorry that these feelings just won't let you alone, sconnie. I don't know if it could help but have you ever thought about a volunteer job that would be more meaningful than the one you have to do to pay the bills? There is an organization in my town called CASA. It matches up an adult volunteer with a child that is in the court system for whatever reason (foster care usually). Basically you are just this childs advocate and friend. You get to know them, do things with them that they enjoy, go to court with them when they have to go, explain things to the judge and lawyers from their point of view, etc. The reason I thought of this one is that it isn't that many hours out of the week but it makes such a huge difference in the child's life so it can bring more meaning into yours.

You are such an animal person, too. Is there any kind of group in your town that raises funds for feral cats or stray dogs that you could get involved with? It could give you a group of people to get to know out of your current circle (and animal lovers are usually very kind people).

I don't think that unconditional love really exists outside of parent/child relationships. We (especially women) are raised on a lot of romantic hype from Disney movies on. The unrealistic view we get about what love is doesn't do us any favors. Adult love is hard work sometimes. No one can meet all your needs just like you cannot meet anyone's every need. We all have different signals that the other person has to learn to decode. The best love IME exists between two people who do not depend totally on each other for their happiness. Ironically they make each other the happiest. It's like somehow taking the burden of all that need off of it releases the love? Just my own somewhat confused thoughts on the matter.8)

Hope today gets better.<3
 
i've spent enough time around this subject in all possible ways to accept the fact that death is death, and everything else is just bullshit. i believe after death there is NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. hard to turn that into something else.
 
Hang on in there... there's really no reason to be jealous of the deads! I can't believe people think it would be better if they were gone... it is my firm belief that there is something after our current life is over... I have tried to commit suicide many years ago. I swallowed 220 mg of 2C-E, if anyone remember the story. I wanted to die in the most painful way possible... so glad I didn't even really suffer and survived! Why is it that I wanted to die in a lot of pain? Because I wanted people to know I suffered, to have some sympathy for me. Why is it that you are jealous of dead people? It's probably because you think there is nothing and no sufferings after-life... what if it was all a big lie? I also contemplated suicide a lot during my benzodiazepines withdrawals last year. I still think of it as a last issue if I keep going back to opiates and withdrawals. But once I'm clean from drugs, exercising, keeping myself busy.... it feels so good to be alive and to be me! Sometimes, it's just that we don't see things getting better, and because we don't want to suffer anymore, because we love ourselves in an obscure way, we think of death and suicide. Seriously, I will never commit suicide, I am not moving to the other side before I have done the things I still have to do. First and all, stopping all drugs is my goal. I was hopeless last year, withdrawing for many months... thinking it would never end. What if I had killed myself, I wouldn't have know there was light beyond. Suicide is just a way to engulf yourself into more darkness and obscurity.....
 
Herb~ thnx.. I feel like a broken record,lol..

I'd feel guilty volunteering for kids bc my nieces and nephew could use all the help they can get, their parents suck I'm sad to say..

Also, totally agree disney is a joke.. I hate it. You're right though, unrealistic expectations on romance and what not.. Maybe I'm not nec looking for the unconditional, so much as I'm looking for stability.. If that's the right word choice..


@jean~ I agree w/ ur views.. Wasn't really what I was trying to say though..no offense.

Demon~thnx 4 the response bud..
Jealous was probably the wrong choice of words. Its Just hard for me to explain I guess.
 
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it's okay, man. i was suicidally alone in this shit til i was an old person coming back. i also have boobs and a vagina, since every seems to think i am a man, here. and i am just drunk and boredom having timez

definitely, the idea of friends cant be better than having real ones. til then take my advice and LOL listen to all the kare krishnas you can. that was a greaaaat day i had with my mom! before she realized i was smoking pot...before i realized she'd rather cut off my clit than have me experience an orgasm. MERICA YEAH!
 
JP, did this happen today with your mom? Hope you find a way to work it out. Don't feel bad because people think I'm a guy too. Probably the avatar. LOL with the Hare Krishnas and don't forget the Jehovah Witnesses. What's weird is my stepdad likes to talk when they come knocking and get their little magazines. So now they keep coming back. These two ladies were asking how we were doing since my mom died last January. I just busted out crying that people who don't really know me thought enough to care. It meant a lot to me because we don't really talk about it much, keeping it inside. I miss her. :(
 
We're probably all mistaken @ some point on this site. They need to add some sort of identification to this site..
T. Sorry for ur loss, and jp, I hope everything works out w/ ur mom.. People just suck sometimes.
 
sconnie, what about volunteering with animals rather than people? It's something I've actually wanted to do for a while now and just haven't cause I have no one to go with. Maybe we can find a humane society or something halfway between us and help out some animals! I think it would help both of us. <3
 
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