Is there something fundamentally detestable about me?

[Pagey]

I'm having a bit of a breakdown here and I need to let this out somewhere...
I'm trying to understand what it is that everyone seems to hate about me and what it is that is just so horrible about me. Why did my dad tell me I should be dead? Why does my whole dad's side of the family literally ignore me every time they see me and couldn't care less what's going on in my life? And why the fuck is it the ONE person in my family who truly cared about me had to die. Why did my ex insult me over and over again? Why, despite being told I look fine, have I been unable to find someone since? Why am I unable to forge real, strong relationships with people ever since I got to university? I feel unwanted everywhere I go and I feel like everyone's just wishing I'd disappear. I don't know what it is that everyone hates so much about me and what it is that's excluding me from the bonds normal people seem to form. With every day that goes by I become more and more convinced that everyone would be better off without me. Maybe I'd be doing them all a favor by just ending it now. Everyone hates me and now I hate myself. I don't know what to do and I don't understand why this is happening to me and now I'm just going to stay in bed on a saturday night shooting up heroin because I don't want to be a burden to anyone going out. I just want this to end.

 

[modelskinny]

Pagey..... Please reply to my PM, okay? Call me if you feel comfortable. I'm worried about you.

 

[SineWaveSoldier]

Pagey I think the opposite. I think fundamentally you are a good person. Absolutely.
I'm sorry you've had trouble with family especially. I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Stick it out please. You're worth it. You do look fine, I think you're a very pretty girl and you have a great personailty, albeit online, you can tell you have substance and you deserve someone special.

 

[stardust.hero]

I love you lady you're getting yourself in a negativity rut and it's not allowed! You're a wonderful person and a pleasure to know--if only through an internet forum. Don't let that parental thing get to you. I mean we're not perfect and he/she whoever is mad at you might have their reasons but fundamentally you are a wonderful person.

please be positive. I know too well how negative feelings towards ourselves can get dangerous. Just be happy even if it's for today. You have nothing wrong about yourself and we all have struggles. You're not a bad person.

 

[smokemctoke420]

^ if your easily hurt by words then don't say insensitive shit to others and if you feel bad delete what you said.

Anyways, Pagey, idk you but you seem like a lovable/like able person, or at least someone that's easy to get along with. Sometimes people won't like you you just gotta realize that it's something wrong with them as to why there bitter and angry for no reason. For example my aunt hates my parents because we have the house (which is my grandmas house and all of us have been going there for vacations since we were little) but we only have it because WE were the ones who left our house in Baltimore to come to take care of my depressed grandma once my grandad died. I'm not gonna go into detail but due to money (she's in debt because she buys things she doesn't need, is an alcoholic etc) shes bitter and its torn our 2 families apart. We all used to hang out all the time back in the day and because of some bullshit we barely hang out

Anyways the point in that is that maybe they have a problem with themselves and take it out on you to make themselves feel better. Maybe once they do some self inventory they will become less bitter. At themselves, at you, at others. Till they do just don't let em get you down and stay away as much as you can.

I hope things look up for you Pagey . I think your a good person even tho we haven't talked and I'm not one to give advice much because my life is a giant ball of shit but if you need to vent to someone you can PM me.

 

[Dre1990]

Angst is a turn-off. Depression is a turn-off.

I've had girls saying that to me. It only put more social pressure and made me feel even worse.

 

[Pagey]

Pagey..... Please reply to my PM, okay? Call me if you feel comfortable. I'm worried about you.

Pagey I think the opposite. I think fundamentally you are a good person. Absolutely.
I'm sorry you've had trouble with family especially. I'm sure there is someone out there for you. Stick it out please. You're worth it. You do look fine, I think you're a very pretty girl and you have a great personailty, albeit online, you can tell you have substance and you deserve someone special.

Thank you, that's really nice of you.

I love you lady you're getting yourself in a negativity rut and it's not allowed! You're a wonderful person and a pleasure to know--if only through an internet forum. Don't let that parental thing get to you. I mean we're not perfect and he/she whoever is mad at you might have their reasons but fundamentally you are a wonderful person.

please be positive. I know too well how negative feelings towards ourselves can get dangerous. Just be happy even if it's for today. You have nothing wrong about yourself and we all have struggles. You're not a bad person.

Thank you I'm just struggling to understand why there's been so much hatred or abuse towards me. I'm not saying this in the sense of 'oh I've had a horrible life blablabla'...it's just that I dunno, you hear about people getting abused by their father, or mother, or spouse or whatever, but I don't get why I've been the recipient of so many insults from a pretty large number of people...I mean I'm the only common denominator aren't I?

You have to admit your a bit of a drama queen. I don't expect anyone to be able to keep their shit together all the time, but c'mon now. Before you guys blast me, let me add, I also think your one of the most caring & helpful posters on Bluelight. Without you, the Dark Side would not be the same. But it seems like your asking a serious question so I'm giving you a serious answer Pagey. Angst is a turn-off. Depression is a turn-off. I can't speak for all men but what I look for in a girl is sweet, cute, funny, and positive. Most dark-siders and addicts in general need their romantic partners to be even more stable, positive, and non-addicted than they are. You are not so different then other women your age and most everyone goes through angst in their early adult years. Add drugs on top of that and you get a complete mess. But Pagey it's not hopeless, and you can change any areas about yourself that you don't like. I don't like that I talk to much and interupt people so I'm trying to work on that.

I think you'll find that making even small efforts to build a better you and a better tomorrow will go a long ways. Remember, depression not only affects you but those around you and you can't be surprised when you find people avoiding you. Same thing with drugs, it tends to isolate an individual. I feel bad for calling you a drama queen Pagey and I hope that didn't hurt your feelings because Im also a sensitive person and am easily hurt by words.

Thanks dude. Clearly it wasn't obvious how much I already despise myself and in how bad a place I am right now, I really needed to be told I'm a drama queen on top of that. Feels fantastic.
If you're gonna insult me and then say you regret doing it then maybe don't in the first place?

^ if your easily hurt by words then don't say insensitive shit to others and if you feel bad delete what you said.

Anyways, Pagey, idk you but you seem like a lovable/like able person, or at least someone that's easy to get along with. Sometimes people won't like you you just gotta realize that it's something wrong with them as to why there bitter and angry for no reason. For example my aunt hates my parents because we have the house (which is my grandmas house and all of us have been going there for vacations since we were little) but we only have it because WE were the ones who left our house in Baltimore to come to take care of my depressed grandma once my grandad died. I'm not gonna go into detail but due to money (she's in debt because she buys things she doesn't need, is an alcoholic etc) shes bitter and its torn our 2 families apart. We all used to hang out all the time back in the day and because of some bullshit we barely hang out

Anyways the point in that is that maybe they have a problem with themselves and take it out on you to make themselves feel better. Maybe once they do some self inventory they will become less bitter. At themselves, at you, at others. Till they do just don't let em get you down and stay away as much as you can.

I hope things look up for you Pagey . I think your a good person even tho we haven't talked and I'm not one to give advice much because my life is a giant ball of shit but if you need to vent to someone you can PM me.

Thank you. It's true I shouldn't always blame myself I guess, but I just can't help but wonder if I'm just oblivious to something hugely wrong about me...

 

[herbavore]

Pagey, we don't get to choose our families--we get what we get and there's a whole continuum out there from flawed but wonderful to flawed and horrific. You definitely didn't win the lottery when it came to your family. Part of adjusting to the adult world seems to be that excruciating shift from a child's world, where your family's view of you is everything, to expanding into the big unknown of other relationships. The trick is to recognize when you have internalized a negligent or abusive parent's view of you and thus carry it with you no matter how much distance or many years you put between you and that parent. Your Dad is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. You are carrying his voice in your head and using it against yourself. Only you can change this. You have to identify it, know the source, get mad and banish it. It won't happen all at once and it may rear its head again and again but that is the task in front of you.

Your ex probably won't be the last asshole you will let into your life. We all see people through rose-colored glasses in the beginning! Again though, his assessment of you shouldn't become your assessment of you. You can be in control of how you see yourself. It starts with language. Even if you do not believe the positive words you force yourself to say, just say them anyway. Instead of, "Why am I so despicable?" try, "Why is it so hard to have intimacy?" or "What can I do to improve how I see myself?" I think the outcome will be much more meaningful for you. When you say, Why am I so despicable, we all want to reassure you that you are not. But the truth is our words mean very little. You are the one that needs to reassure yourself that this is just some old tired ghost from your childhood that keeps popping up in your head. Call it a liar and stare it down.

Sticking a needle full of heroin in your arm is self punishment. You have to make a choice. Whatever smarts and cunning and strategies you are using to manage to complete your classes, keep your grades up, socialize as much as you are and still manage to score and buy and shoot heroin need to be redirected to only the first part of this list! As long as you are needing the approval of the outside world--whether it is your father, other relatives, friends, a boyfriend or the people on this forum to tell you that you are worthy, you are not going to find what you (and every single human on the planet) needs which is self acceptance. No amount of flattery, no matter how sincere (and you deserve much sincere flattery) is going to make a whit of difference.

I am really sorry that you are feeling so demoralized. Wish we were close and I would stop by and scoop you up to go eat croissants and then go for a run to run them off.

Tout peut changer.Tout se déplace.

 

[maxalfie]

Herbavore you always have such a good understanding of how people feel and what makes them feel the way the do and as usual you have given some great advice to someone in need.
My own dad as well as being physically abusive was always telling me how useless I am and I would never amount to anything.
I realised as I got older that his words still played in my head and I acted like I didn't deserve anything or was capable of doing things.
I always took crap jobs cos I thought I couldn't do anything higher up the scale, I still don't drive as I still think I won't be able to do it.
Somehow those of us who have been told such things as a child need to find a way somehow to get those cruel words out of our heads and know we are good worthy people who are no worse than anybody else.
Wish we had a magic button to push to erase our childhood programming.

 

[Disraeli_Beers]

Hey we were msging earlier and I enjoyed our convo (as usual) but I didn't know you were this down!

When I ask you how you are I really mean I want to know how you're doing, people care about you just like you care about other pagey!

We love you, stay strong

 

[KoreyS]

I see you're single. You interested in takin a plane down to T-dot next holiday mami?

 

[T. Calderone]

Pagey, believe me not so many people hate you as you think. I endured child abuse both physical and mental as I was growing up. So I moved out as soon as I could and tried to avoid them as much as I could. My mother said that shit to me when my sister died (because I did a lot of drugs as a youngster) When my sister died from an overdose, mother took it out on me saying "it should have been you". My brother in law tried to comfort me telling me she was in shock and couldn't have meant it. By that time we were in our 30's but I never forgot that.

There was no pleasing this woman. She never liked any of my boyfriends or my husband. I internalized every bad event or comment and eventually got into therapy both with psychiatrist and counselor. My shrink told me I was depressed- and depression is anger turned inward. Plus that the reason mother was so harsh was because I was the kid who looked like her and reminded her of herself. She was constantly putting me down: I was too thin and she would accuse me of being on drugs. She hated my hair, then I gained weight and I was too fat, etc. Even called CPS on me accusing me of being on drugs and wanted my son taken away. I was totally clean and that case was closed after I passed their drug test.

Plus I got into a very destructive relationship two years ago with a man who lied to me, stole my money, wrecked my car, beat me and cheated on me. It did a number on my head. Until I finally had enough of that abuse and had to walk away. He still calls me but I refuse to let him back in my life. I feel so vulnerable that I cannot have a conversation with him because I know it's going to be some bullshit. I started drinking heavy and I know it's no solution because my liver's already fucked. I tend to numb myself and it's not really helping. Same for you using drugs, it makes you "not feel the pain" But it's just temporary. You still wake up in the morning having to face the world in a state of full consciousness. That can be scary but it can be done.

Keep going to counselling and don't give up just yet. If he/she is not helping then find another one. You can find a solution that doesn't involve heroin. You will meet friends at university and that might take some time. But you'll get there. You're young, smart and pretty. You have a future and gotta try to keep these negative people at arm's length. If they keep hurting you, make it a point to stop all communication. Self preservation will kick in and you will be surprised how strong you really are.

 

[cj]

This will not be what you want to hear but its so damn true I cant not write it. You gotta learn to love yourself before anyone else can love you. If you find happiness with yourself you will need to start carrying a stick to beat the guys off with. Guaranteed.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh pagey I feel your pain. I lost both of my best friends to suicide, but most importantly my father when I was 15.

I know life is tough sometimes but we gotta grit it out. As i've said before you're absolutely beautiful, and you seem like the most caring, lovely and sophisticated woman in the world. You need to understand that truly and honestly, it can't be said enough.

I hope I can get to know you better because you seem like such a lovely person. Not everyone hates you at all.

 

[Pagey]

Herbavore - thank you so much for that post. I think you're probably very right in that my feelings now must be linked to that shift into the adult world and how terrifying I'm finding that in general. I do realize I need to learn to accept and love myself and stuff but I guess I just don't understand how that's possible without the approval of others and I don't really know how to work towards it. I've tried, but it always comes back to needing others to care about me.
Oh I wish you were here too, croissants for breakfast would be so much nicer with you!
maxalfie - yeah, it feels impossible to get past that when feelings of worthlessness are ingrained into you from such an early age. How have you managed to cope?
Disraeli - thanks
TCMVegas - yeah, that's what I try to tell myself. I guess everything is kinda amplified right now because of my age and stuff but it's just so difficult to be patient and hope for things to change....
T. Calderone - I'm really sorry similar things had to happen to you. Is there anything in particular that helped you? thank you so much for sharing though, it's really helpful to hear that others have managed to overcome this sort of thing.
crimsonjunk - haha, everyone always says that but I always wonder how it's possible to love yourslf without the love of others. Reading through all these answers I'm really getting the impression that I have an unhealthy need for approval. I have been trying to work on myself lately though so hopefully that'll amount to something.
synthetix - oh man I'm so sorry, that's awful. My best friend died in an accident a few years ago and I'm still not anywhere near over that so I can't imagine what it must be like for you. Thank you so much for that, and I'd definitely be happy to get to know you better as well.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I swear I really wasn't trying to fish for compliments or impose myself or whatever it might have looked like when I posted this last night. I was just feeling absolutely horrible about myself and I felt like this was the only place I could be honest about it.

 

[freehugs]

You gain literally nothing from worrying about what others think of you.

Your face reflects your mood when you are out and about. Maybe that is why people are turned off when they see you.
It'll get better, it always does

 

[Get2Think]

If I knew you only wanted to be told what you wanted to hear I wouldn't have said anything. Life is tough, and it's even tougher if you wear your heart on your sleeve all the time.