Hippie been handled, so lets try and avoid gettin into any arguments with him and keep postin on topic. I know it feels good to tell somebody off when they bein a dick but me and enod took care of that already, so try and leave keepin the trolls in line to the moderators, we will handle it so yall can move on and enjoy your thread. Any more replyin to him would just start more dumb posts and flaming and we aint tryna have that so lets stay on topic yall.
Anyways.....
To answer the topic...
There is many things that does. I aint using at all right now tho, so i dont know if this thread applies to me.
I spent many years shootin dope and addicted to other opiates. When i was 14 i first tried oxy...i woulda did dope then if i had it in front of me but that didnt happen til i was 16. It was love at first sniff (I had been plannin to boot it the first time i tried it cuz i wanted the full experience. I never was scared of needles and woulda preferred to have shot it but it was a suprise situation that i didnt expect to find dope when i did first get to try it, and there wasnt no set for me to boot up with, so i sniffed it.) I got into a really tiny little habit with it at that time, i mean not even really a habit just long enough to get slightly addicted and deal with some WDs when i stopped. I was only 16 tho and didnt have a car or a license yet, my man would drive us to go cop. the last time we tried, we ended up breakin down at a red light in the middle of the hood and the cops couldnt find shit on us so we didnt get charged but my folks did find out so that was the end of any trips farther than 10 minutes for a while, lol.
i did it a few times when it came to me between when i was 17 and 18, i finally got my chance to shoot it and enjoyed that but i knew that i would be headed for trouble so i kinda told myself that dope was off limits cuz i knew how easy it had been to just want to give everything up for dope during the first run i had with it. But i figured it was OK to do oxys since they didnt give me the same feelin that dope did. oxys just let me catch a high without the same "i would be happy to completely throw my life away right this second and spend the rest of my days here on earth layed out on a mattress in a dark room smokin cigarettes with a needle hanging outta my arm, noddin my face off til i die" feeling that i got from dope, that total apathy that makes you be like "fuck yea ill completely trash my life and throw away everything i ever worked for just for this high". Oxys didnt do nothin like that to me so it was a way to indulge without "goin back".
so at that time, the only shit that kept me from bein a dope junkie was the oxys, and the only thing keepin me from bein a oxy head was that i didnt have that good of access to it, and i was totally serious that i would only use once a week, (No, seriously! Im only gonna do it once a week i swear! even if i WANT to do it more, I cant, becuz my only source promised me to only sell it to me once a week! I got this, seriously! 8) )
Of course, as time went by i ended up doin more and more and more and more.....and gettin more and more sources....and by the time i was a few months into being 19 i was completely hooked on oxys and any other pills i could get ahold of, dillys, opanas, methadone, morphine, watever it was. (never had a prob. with hydro tho, it never was strong enough to get me high after i tried dope it was worthless to me.)
At that time dope came back into the picture and before i was 20 it took over the oxy habit and sent it runnin for its mama. For a while I only did it 3 days a week, thursday friday and saturday. I knew how to cop, i had copped when i was younger plenty, but for a while the fear of gettin locked up kept me from bein a full junkie. I knew that you cant just go back to your old dope spots 3 years later, everything changes, and especially that in the past few years, Paterson had got much much hotter, and i realllly didnt want to go in there not knowing the hot areas to avoid. So , instead i got up with a friend from new york who was coppin bags from a dealer in a regular suburb and he would get paid every thursday and cop, so i would get up with him everytime he copped and get a bundle or two.
that arrangement kept me from reallly gettin too much into it, and on the other days that I wasnt doin the diesel i would use oxys to get me thru the week....it wasnt long tho before i ended up findin more dope connects and gettin it was becomin easier and easier. then i met 2 people who gave me the direct connect to gettin that shit whenever i wanted and I started with that on the regular. I knew i was gettin hooked but didnt really give a fuck, i just wanted that dope yo. i was just chasin. And i wouldnt let myself go back to shootin up, i knew how good it was and i knew i would go downhill even faster shootin that shit...
By the time i was 21 I was totally completely hooked on IV dope tho, and from there it was just balls to the wall nonstop use as much as possible all the damn time dope free for all. I started coppin again, i started doin all the shady dopehead shit, shootin up in bathrooms, runnin scams, hustlin phone cards and shit like that, doin credit card scams like buying shit on a card then returning it without the card to get cash back, doin the "ill buy your stuff on this card if youll give me the cash for it" hustle, all that shit, yall know how it goes . Just the down and dirty junkie lifestyle from day to day. gettin arrested 3 times in 7 months, almost gettin myself killed more than once, OD'ing, all that misery.
After a few years like that the shit hit the fan. i was on double probation--a concurrent sentence of probation in 2 counties at once consolidated into one probation visit every 2 weeks. so anything i fucked up would count twice, a violation for each county i was on probation in.
I got a dirty piss test 3 weeks into my sentence and my PO let that slide as long as i took a TASC (treatment assesment services for the court) evaluation and passed it (just a thing that they rate you on a scale of whether or not you a junkie, etc). So i went along on my way all summer that year gettin high like usual and just pissin clean for probation , then gettin high, then get clean long enough for my test, etc. Finally got the TASC eval like 3 months later and somehow didnt manage to clean myself up good enough for the test, and while i passed the interview section and impressed the lady with my "full remission of substance dependence to heroin", i pissed dirty for opiates.....And ended up about to violate, about to go to jail. my po had a officer waiting outside to excort me down to the jail which was downstairs of the courthouse where my PO worked at. I begged and pleaded him and he decided to let me make my case to his boss and see wat they would decide. After lots of tears and pitiful ass pathetic please-please-please shit, he decided to give me one more chance, with a list of conditions that was long as fuck.
At that point i knew i was on thin fuckin ice and really, seriously, honest to god truly had to quit, for real this time, becuz one of the conditions of not gettin the VOP and not goin to jail, was to do a IOP program where they test you 3 days a week. i knew there was no way to use around that shit, so i got on the methadone clinic.
Anyways, i ended up not doing IOP cuz the program was full, so instead i just had to do one on one counseling with a drug counselor one hour a week, no drug test. At that point i COULDA used probably, but i still had to see my PO once a week. And i had came up dirty 6 days after using dope on my last positive test, so i wasnt about to play around, cuz i only had 6 days between visits. even if i used right after i gave my clean sample and then stayed clean for the next 6 days i still wasnt sure i could guarantee id be clean, and the stakes were too high--if i failed another test i was goin to state prison, they would pull my plea deal, and i would catch a double VOP sentence on top of that, lose my license for 24 mos, etc.
so during that time it was really probation that kept me from bein a junkie.
Soon i finished my counseling, the guy told my PO that i really didnt need to be in counseling becuz i had a good handle on my problem and that it was just a waste of time to try and counsel me becuz i already knew my shit and there was nothing he could teach me. so my PO brought me down to once every 2 weeks. by that time i really coulda used and got away with it but i just felt scared just in case, i didnt want to get high, and anyways, i had made it like 2-3 months without gettin high so i might as well just go a little longer, that was my logic.
After i got dropped to once every 3 weeks and got back into a really good , cool relationship with my PO and gained his trust back, I used a few times over the course of a couple months.
Durin those times when i was using, the shit keepin me from bein a straight up dope feen and goin back to that life i had been livin just a few months ago, was my honest desire to STOP livin that way, and the fact that for once, i really actually enjoyed life WITHOUT dope. i didnt NEED to be a junkie no more, becuz i liked life how it was, i didnt need to be runnin away from that shit no more, i felt good just bein alive and happy to not be locked up. I started to really appreciate normal life like i never had since i was a little 5 year old, you know? So while i did enjoy the times i copped some fire and booted up again and nodded my ass off 'for old times sake' every so often, there was lots of shit in place to keep me from ever wantin to go back to anything other than occasional responsible use.
Thats pretty much the spot Im in now, except I am 8 mos pregnant now. I obviously dont use no more and didnt use durin my pregnancy. So thats one really super big reason that keeps me from bein a full on junkie. When i wasnt preggo tho, and was just using here and there, it was the same kid of shit, a basic sense of responsiblity for myself and the fact that i just wasnt gona let myself go back down that road again, it sucked and i had too much to lose , it finally clicked in my head, you know?
Since i got my shit together and got clean last year i had no trouble at all moderatin my use. i didnt even WANT to use more, to use extra, so there really wasnt much to control, it cointrolled itself, there was no urges or cravings that i had to deny, i was really healthy about the way i used and there was none of that sneaky-ass addictive shit creeping up on me durin that time. the shit that kept, and keeps me from bein a junkie now, regardless of if i do use from time to time or dont use for 9 months , is just life in general. The fact that i like my life, that im grateful for the fact that Im still alive and that i made it thru all the bullshit without gettin killed or killin myself with a OD. the fact that i aint just clean but i am happy to be clean and genuinely enjoy life without dope, that it aint a struggle for me, that it comes naturally now to feel good without chemical assistance. the fact that Ima be a mom soon, the fact that i got so much good shit in my life to be grateful for. There aint no holes that need filling, and thats the role that dope used to fill for me. the spackle that would fill the hole in my soul. that shits gone, so it dont need fillin these days, and becuz of that dope is kinda obsolete. its cool if i ever do use it again, if i get high at some time in the future it will be a little bit of fun and done, you feel me, but i really am happy without it, so really , I dont need nothing to "keep" me from bein a junkie again, its just my natural state these days to not be.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
