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Is there a checklist?

Tude

Tude

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2011
Messages
11,204
I'm wondering if you wonderful SLR folks could help me out. I do apologize in advance if this topic has been beaten to shit previously, but my attempts to utfse rendered no matches. I have seen threads before that discussed benchmarks of sorts that helped determine whether a certain someone you're considering for a fwb is material for said arrangement or not.

How do you determine whether you YOURSELF are fodder for a fwb relationship? Where's the checklist that'll be able to tell you whether you'll play it cool or catch that "feelings" shit?

Thanks for any replies!
 
It's mainly just not getting attached. Does it take a while for crushes and feeling to form with you? Then you're good. Additionally viewing them as a friend for a while before the relationship starts helps in my opinion.
 
Yes, good that you are thinking about this before you do it.

I myself have had about three long term FWB relationships that we're very successful. It is my personal opinion that you should have feelings toward someone in a FWB situation, and that feeling is friendship. I have truly loved and still love all of the guys I had these relationships with...they are still my friends even though we don't fuck anymore.

So I guess you just have to ask yourself if you are the type of person who can have sex with someone that you like as a friend without wanting to take things further.

That being said, relationships are organic, so despite your best efforts either you or the person may end up developing feelings past the FWB status, and I think that is OK as long as you have decided in the beginning if this happens you will be honest with one another and see what happens.

Do you happen to have someone specifically in mind or are you just contemplating it?
 
Beachcat said:
That being said, relationships are organic, so despite your best efforts either you or the person may end up developing feelings past the FWB status, and I think that is OK as long as you have decided in the beginning if this happens you will be honest with one another and see what happens.
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Definitely agree here - seriously, I don't know how many FWB relationships we have tried to control, but it always ends up with at least one person getting hurt, unless you are A) both honest and open at all times, and B) not too controlling, but more laying down flexible guidelines...

You cannot always control your emotions as you get to know someone more. Friendship, just think about friendship, anything else is either a bonus or a curse, depending on how you look at it.
 
Shishigami, it does take a while for me to develop a full-blown crush. I've never been in a relationship, though. I've never even done anything with a guy lol. I've just always been disinterested in relationships. As a matter of fact, I've only had two crushes and I'm 22! I never told either one.

Pagey, I don't really know how I feel about sex and emotions. Like in my mind, I think sex is just sex. However, I don't know if I actually believe that or not. It's hard to explain. But I really don't want to correlate sex with emotion.

Beachcat, so it's best to see the other person as a friend first? Here I was, thinking I had to meet a stranger somewhere. I don't really know if I'm able to not want to take things beyond sex. I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I just don't want to be a virgin anymore. I might just start cruising bars for one night stands. Probably be easier lol.

B1tO' Roughjack, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone, so wouldn't it be best to not get to know them? In my mind, I know I don't want to fall for someone. But I know "bonding hormones" get released during sex. The fact that I don't really know if I equate sex with emotions is a recipe for disaster, methinks.

Here's a followup question: If someone attaches emotions to sex, is there a way to change that? Is that kind of destructive thinking alterable? Silly question, I know, since it's possible to do anything you want to. But then I think about drug addicts. A lot of them know they're harming themselves, but do it anyway. But I digress...
 
Tude said:
Here's a followup question: If someone attaches emotions to sex, is there a way to change that? Is that kind of destructive thinking alterable? Silly question, I know, since it's possible to do anything you want to. But then I think about drug addicts. A lot of them know they're harming themselves, but do it anyway. But I digress...
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I think it's definitely possible to change it. In all my past relationships I would always consider sex to be a proof of emotion, love, whatever - it certainly wasn't a thing apart, whereas I've got a couple friends who, even in relationships, would consider sex to be just a physical thing. I was absolutely positive I was the type to always mix sex & emotions but since then I've had a few hook-ups and it actually really isn't difficult at all to separate the two - of course, it's different in a FWB situation, but still.
 
For friends with benefits the ideal is for them to be a friend, who you can fuck...otherwise it lasts very short, the sex is not usually very good due to realizing you have nothing much in common apart from fucking and when you hang out there can be a lot to not be attracted to, this can kinda ruin the sex.

It then doesn't usually last more than a few weeks - month.

From my experience, anyways.

Cruising bars is a good one - that's what I have always used to do when I got started - then when you start chatting up some lass, you know within a very short space of time whether they are down to fuck...I personally have NEVER had a one night stand, and I don't suggest them unless you are sure you can detach emotions from sex. Considering you a virgin & you say below you're not sure about how your emotional-sexual state is, I would flat out suggest NOT to one night stand it. You can get jaded very quickly, learn disrespect for promiscuous women, and generally not have good ex often at all.

I would suggest making it clear when you're chatting at the bar you're not into one night stands, and are up for fuck buddy-ness(this is, when she's been sitting on your lap/touching your chest a million times/laughing her head off at your shit jokes etc etc)...then you will get what you want for at least a couple of sessions.

FOOT IN THE DOOR.
Tude said:
Beachcat, so it's best to see the other person as a friend first? Here I was, thinking I had to meet a stranger somewhere. I don't really know if I'm able to not want to take things beyond sex. I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I just don't want to be a virgin anymore. I might just start cruising bars for one night stands. Probably be easier lol.

B1tO' Roughjack, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone, so wouldn't it be best to not get to know them? In my mind, I know I don't want to fall for someone. But I know "bonding hormones" get released during sex. The fact that I don't really know if I equate sex with emotions is a recipe for disaster, methinks.

Here's a followup question: If someone attaches emotions to sex, is there a way to change that? Is that kind of destructive thinking alterable? Silly question, I know, since it's possible to do anything you want to. But then I think about drug addicts. A lot of them know they're harming themselves, but do it anyway. But I digress...
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There is a way to change that, if it's a habitual conditioned thing, but if you are innately expressive of yourself through sexuality and intimacy, or use it as a form of loving devotion instead of a release, then there you have it.

The point I want to make after your reply is - It would be best to get to know them, but to be honest I have found the sex not to be very good with these people, and if the sex isn't great and we have nothing really in common, then we might as well not be fucking - that creative energy can go towards something much better, which will help us in life for more than 20-60 - 240 -whatever minutes.

You don't know if you equate sex with emotions? Nah that is not a recipe for disaster as long as you are AWARE of the possibility...I wasn't myself, so it was a sharp learning curve whenever I would fuck people...I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, now I just know I was young, I am an individual, and I just try and stay chill no matter what - usually works out, sometimes I slip up, but I'm relatively young myself.

Fuck buddies are great - I wouldn't change a thing, except a few of them I would fuck more haha.

Attaching sex to emotions is not necessarily destructive(LTR-wise) - when you settle down, you just need to find someone who either is understanding of the way you are - who can complement your way of doing things, and help you to try it their way occasionally, or someone who is the same in that respect.
 
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i dont tend to have a checklist. if im attracted to you i tend to worry about the rest as it comes. call it a flaw i call it spontaneous
 
Yes, I do suggest finding someone who is already a friend....finding a stranger, well, it could be ok, but why lose your virginity to some stranger when you could lose it to a friend who you might happen to like to fuck.

To me it just makes sense...if you are going to have sex, you should do it with someone you like. I have had I think 2 one night stands with someone who I met at a bar and I do not think back on those experiences with fondness.

However, my longest FWB relationships was with a guy I met my first day at college...we had sex off and on for almost 10 years, hung out, did friend stuff like go to movies and to eat, but somehow we both just knew that we were not meant for each other. Anytime he backed off because he was seeing someone, it made me truly happy for him instead of jealous. If I had started to have feelings for him, I would have told him and we would have dealt with it.

Anyway, he is still one of my closest friends, I would do anything for him and having so much good sex together really just strengthened our friendship. That is the type of relationship you should seek.

It may be a little trickier as you are a virgin and you can't one hundred percent know how you will react in a sexual relationship, but that will be something that you will have to discover for yourself.
 
Pagey, I'm relieved to hear it's realistic to change that mindset if that's indeed what mine is! Now I just gotta figure it out lol!

B1tO' Roughjack, from what you're saying, I might be better off just waiting till I'm ready for a relationship. If the sex won't be as good as if I were in a relationship, then I should wait. I want amazing shit! Lol

Wolfmans_Brother, that's a good philosophy. I imagine it can also lead to people getting hurt sometimes, but I'm sure it pays off as well.

Beachcat, I somehow missed the question you asked me in your first post. No, I don't have anyone specific in mind. It's an idea floating in my mind as of late. Your advice is interesting-it's pretty much the opposite of what I thought was true. I figured I'd be better off with someone I don't really like. You learn something new every day, huh?
 
Tude - yeah true, but with gals you just pick up it's practice. That's about it really - just some experience. After a little while it's not necessary. Unless they're a virgin too, you don't really want to explore experienced well trodden territory blindfold, if you're in love with her.

Waiting for "amazing shit" is admirable, but I feel you need to tek to make it amazing, it's seldom it starts off amazing. Very rare - some of the best sex I have had has been with women where it started out either bad, or medicre. Very rarely I have had amazing sex with someone the first time we jumped in bed/field/wherever together.
 
Tude-are you male or female?

either way rushing your virginity might not always be the best option

i've only had one relationship (but a lot of random sex), its not that uncommon. i'm fussy and maybe you are too? i dunno. all i can say is that the quality of random hookups varies massively (usually not so good especially if they are drunk- note barscene...) and when i was in a relationship the sex was consistently good and emotionally fulfilling. FWB's are alright but for me they fizzle out as without emotion you need something else to keep it interesting (in my case novelty).

i'm still looking myself
 
Tude said:
Pagey, I'm relieved to hear it's realistic to change that mindset if that's indeed what mine is! Now I just gotta figure it out lol!
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Haha yeah, it's certainly possible. What's your experience with hook-ups/one night stands? Have you ever had any/ were you okay with the purely physical aspect?
That could be a good way to get a first idea.
 
^ he is a virgin. Hence why I was telling him that trying them out a fair amount will let him know through attained finely tuned self awareness, as to whether he has a tendency to become emotionally attached.

I could probably tell just by him telling us which line out of the Heart line, Head line, Fate line, or Life line is most dominant (when he holds his hand out about a metre away from his face, and squints it is easy to see) - if the heart line is the dominant one, then he will have a tendency towards getting emotionally attached, especially if it's deep and wide.
 
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I am pretty sure that Tude is a female.... Interesting about the lines, though...you will have to tell me what you are looking for if you hold you hand out like that.
 
B1tO' RoughJack, you've given me a lot to think about.

Pofacedho, I'm a female. Lol I should've clarified. Maybe I will skip the bar scene since I don't drink anyways.

Pagey, I have no experience at all with hook-ups. Haven't had any interest until a little over a year ago (I'm 22), but haven't really done much to pursue it.

Beachcat, I've never heard of the hand thing, either. Glad I'm not the only one!
 
Communication usually sorts out where you two are at. If neither of you are really talking about it but are just doing it, then you could both be on totally different pages. It's how one of you ends up falling in love. It makes things much clearer if one of you says at some point, "There is no way this can ever become a relationship. We're just friends who are fucking around. This doesn't mean anything."

I have to be honest though, on more than one occasion I've had fwb turn into a full blown mutual relationship, so I don't know if it's good advice to tell you that you should avoid this at all costs. I would avoid it being one-sided, but if there is ever mutual interest in more it could develop into something you weren't expecting that is actually nice. That's not common though.

Any person with some sense of self-awareness should notice little feelings starting to appear early on and then they can get out before it gets anymore complicated. Not to boil it all down to age, but IME it's people in their 20's or younger who seem to fall in love with physical involvement, mostly because they can't seem to separate what they think they want from what they actually want. Some think they just want to fuck when really their hearts are wanting more; some think they want a relationship only to discover they just needed to get laid. Older people have that shit sorted out - most of the time.
 
Tude said:
Pagey, I have no experience at all with hook-ups. Haven't had any interest until a little over a year ago (I'm 22), but haven't really done much to pursue it.
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In that case I would definitely have at least one hook-up experience before trying out fwb :) it'll give you an idea of whether or not you can separate sex from emotions.
 
Foreigner, you're right-communication is very important. I have no qualms about speaking my mind. The problem is finding a guy who's the same way. I really want to be one of those people who separates sex from emotions.

Pagey, I agree. I won't know till I try! Lol
 
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