Is not wanting kids just a phase, typically?

[lady grey]

I'l have a child when i am ready for a full time, lifelong commitment. When i'm financially and emotionally ready and can raise my child in a family environment. All of these things may never happen, so i may never have children. I hope i do, one day, but it will not be for many many many years.

There comes a stage when any parent or child see's each other as "people" i think, and this can be shattering or bonding depending on what kind of people you are and what relationship you have built.

 

[starryXeyed]

well just for the record no every woman wants kids, i couldnt stand them at first but i think it is kind of a phase for some people, the lil knee kissers start to grow on you after awhile

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

We would never adopt. We discussed that option in case if we decided we wanted to be parents and couldn't. If it isn't our DNA, we are not interested.
I do appreciate those who do.

 

[papa]

well just for the record no every woman wants kids, i couldnt stand them at first but i think it is kind of a phase for some people, the lil knee kissers start to grow on you after awhile

knee kissers? thats funny. I've always heard them called ankle biters.

 

[Jamshyd]

If it isn't our DNA, we are not interested.

Why, if I may ask?

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

Jammy not all people have this trait, but some can only get attached in a parental sense to the true fruit of their loins. I've known others like this, it's sadly (IMHO) common.

As for me, I'm not sure I'd be an ideal dad to either.

 

[Beatlebot]

I seriously hope not wanting kids is not a phase. I am going to be 28 this year and I do not want kids. I have nothing against kids, I have a few kids as friends, and I LOVE babies but when I think about my life and what I want to do with it, kids are not in the picture.

Neither my partner or myself have any interest in being a stay at home parent so it's not practical for us either. Yet I live in fear of being one of those women who get to 35 or 40 and suddenly changes their minds when it may be too late and the risks are higher.

It's one of the disadvantages of being a woman in that ideally we need to make this decision while we are in our twenties. I already feel as though I have left it a bit late if I do change my mind.

I'm concerned that as a person who embraces life and tries to have as many experiences as I can, I may regret one day cutting myself off from this one major life experience. I know very well it's not a good reason to have kids just so that I can have a 'life experience' but the idea that this is an option open for only a limited time bothers me.

If I was a man, I would not be thinking about having kids now at all. It wouldn't even cross my mind. Men are very lucky in this regard.

 

[Mariposa]

MDAO: I congratulate you on such an enlightened prespective! I forgot to mention in my rant that one other reason I don't want to have a child of my own is because I have way too many recessive genes showing and probably inherit a lot of shit from the entire family. In fact, I am probably sterile!

With all due respect to your opinion, I show all the commonly cited visible recessive traits but one. I have one big genetic strike against me with which my children would not be afflicted if my partner was not also a carrier (we do not know, though it's unlikely). The mental illness/propensity toward addiction on both sides of my family are not necessarily genetic in origin, and surely are not wholly genetic - there is no proof one way or the other.

I refuse to rule out the possibility based on speculation; in all likelihood, my partner and I are diverse enough genetically to cancel a lot of bad shit out. I would not have a child without genetic counseling, and if we both test for a really bad gene that would rule having my own right out. We would either then adopt, or concentrate on other things.

I don't think it's right to make anyone feel bad about their decision to/not to have children, either way. If you can love, provide, and help the next generation to build a better life for us all, then more power to you. It isn't my or anyone else's place to decide/judge how you should allocate your own time and resources.

Better living through conscious choice is my rule. I'll have to be off all scripts, not drink, etc. to even consider it. I'm not there yet. In 2 years, hopefully I will be for the freedom alone. I can consider it then, and will.

 

[Jamshyd]

I don't think it's right to make anyone feel bad about their decision to/not to have children, either way. If you can love, provide, and help the next generation to build a better life for us all, then more power to you. It isn't my or anyone else's place to decide/judge how you should allocate your own time and resources.

I admit, I tend to be very blunt with my opinion and it probably comes out as me trying to make people feeling bad for their descisions.

For that, I apologize.

I will emphasize though that I do trust that many people are capable of giving their children boundless love, and I respect that. My parents are amongst such people, and I respect them for that.

----

As for recessive genes, the situation is a bit out of control for me... I come from a society where, until only the 80's, family inter-marriage was commonplace. I am actually the only survivor of 5 failed attempts at birth over 10 years of marriage...

 

[Mariposa]

^thanx My family comes (mostly) from two different parts of Europe, both of which have a high commonality of the gene I got one copy of rather than two.

I'm pretty sure genetic counseling would clear up anything that would potentially break the deal. Probably the highest cost to any offspring I have would come from the attention I'd give my career preferentially.

You're welcome to be "Uncle Jamshyd" if it ever transpires. Just don't tell them about droogs unless and until they need to know.

The odds against my inheritance of so many recessive traits are probably pretty astronomical. Still I've found myself alive and very much kicking. I've never tried to reproduce, and I have not had any accidents.

 

[Jamshyd]

You're welcome to be "Uncle Jamshyd" if it ever transpires. Just don't tell them about droogs unless and until they need to know.

Hehe, you understand me quite well

I've actually always felt I'd be better off as an uncle than a father!

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

heh I've always said I'd love to be able to be a grandfather without having to pay my dues as a father first -- all the joy and indulgences, with none of the responsibilities.

Unless your kid was a pregnant teenager.

 

[ayjay]

Interesting thread! I'm in my 40s now and have 2 boys under 5. It is even now a bit of a surprise to me that I have become a parent. When I was in my 20s I was fairly adamant about not having kids - basically on the premise that the human race is fucked and I didn't want to encourage it to continue. This thinking never really changed - but one day my partner said she wanted kids (there was a good triggering reason for this change). So yeah - that was my motivation to have kids - not my idea but something I freely chose once it was suggested...

...and that fits in with the experience of my male friends who are fathers too - the idea originated with their partners, and they went along for the ride.

Dare I say the words "biological clock"??? I have an older female work colleague who confided to me some time ago: "My one regret is that I didn't have kids". I think it was the glorious Gibby Haines who said "It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done". And let's face it - the ability to reproduce is fucking mind-tearingly awesome. Having watched my partner gestate and then push out a baby twice - she is awesome in the true sense of the word. I'm not surprised that early religion deified the mother....

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

Why, if I may ask?

I would not and could not invest the time and money it takes to raise a child that is not my own. I don't even like babysitting my nieces and nephews, so I don't. The whole being around kids thing is a drag, let alone changing my life to be mother. I have turned down a godmother request.

 

[Mariposa]

Hehe, you understand me quite well

I've actually always felt I'd be better off as an uncle than a father!

I can't speak for my partner, but I lack contact with most of my blood relatives (for very good reason). I'd welcome you into the family I'd like to create whether we procreate, adopt, or decide not to either way. Blood is not what makes a family. However and if I ever have children naturally or adopted, my/our friends would always be welcomed. My dad's secretary when I was little was "Auntie Ursula" and her husband was "Uncle Art". Both were in their sixties when I was born. They were not able to conceive and IVF/fertility treatments weren't as widely available. I used to love playing secretary with Auntie Ursula. I thought it was the most glamorous job ever. Old habits die hard. When I was in my early teens, Auntie Ursula got cancer and died. She was treated as a member of our family always. We celebrated holidays together and I saw Auntie Ursula whenever I visited my dad at his job plus at least a couple dinners a month. We all loved her as if she was our own. Where I'm from, we kind of pick our family in addition to blood kin, and treat them the same. My aunt (biological - father's sister) married her third husband a couple years back. He has two daughters about my age. I consider them stepcousins and full members of the family... one's a bit of a problem child, but that's another thread. They're still family to me.

I'd happily welcome you as Uncle Jamshyd to anything I might spawn or adopt. Similar is true for my closest friends. I know there are studies about how gay and lesbian family members have evolutionary purpose in helping raise the children; too late to look them up but you get the idea. My friends are already my family (I have no siblings). I can't imagine that would change, ever. For what my children may lack in blood, they'll be loved and have many aunties and uncles all over. I want my children, if any, to be travelers, to have open minds, to visit many places as I did and more. I wouldn't be a clingy mom and would always teach them to figure things out for themselves and think for themselves.

Still in the thinking, not even planning phase, though, the bio-clock seems to have quieted a lot recently as I cannot provide for a child and I'm concentrating more on the relationship that may provide them... a couple years or more from now. If our relationship progresses to that point and we both agree, we'd agree to stop trying to prevent it and see what happens. Until then... you can be Cousin Jamshyd? Cool? :D

 

[DarthMom]

We would never adopt. We discussed that option in case if we decided we wanted to be parents and couldn't. If it isn't our DNA, we are not interested.
I do appreciate those who do.

in spite of your cold hearted ways you wench, i appreciate you immensely too

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

I would not and could not invest the time and money it takes to raise a child that is not my own. I don't even like babysitting my nieces and nephews, so I don't. The whole being around kids thing is a drag, let alone changing my life to be mother. I have turned down a godmother request.

I feel like you do, a lot.
This is how it is with my boyfriends son. Thank God Im not responsible for him anymore (I pretty much told my boyfriend he was on his own as a parent, that Id understand if he couldnt be with me anymore but his kid was his responsibility from now on). I used to have to watch the kid all the time and it was hell for me most of the time. Very stressful and very weird for me. I mean I didnt even know this kid a year ago and all the sudden Im like a mom to him?

It was very weird and it sucked. Yeah I should have known better before getting into a relationship with someone who had a kid, I just..was stupid. Ignorant more than stupid, I mean I honestly didnt know how difficult kids were, Ive never been around them (by choice). I also had some stupid idea that the kid and I would instantly bond and he would open my heart like some kind of cheesy heartwarming movie.

Not the case. I do care for the kid, but it feels like the way you would care about a random not too close family member. I dont feel connected to him really. It kinds makes me sad, I almost wish the heartwarming movie-type scenerio had happened.

I think when its your own kid you do have some type of biological link to them that allows you to tolerate how annoying they are.

When its someone else's kid..arg..that link just isnt there.

Of course there are the wonderful types of people who can take in 50 children and love each of them as their own. God made these types for a reason. It takes all kinds!

 

[helium-4]

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We've been together for 29 years. We decided before we were married that we would not have children.

Our reasons for this decision are that we don't feel the need to bring children into existance just to have some mythical duty fullfilled. We don't think its right to have children to take care of us when we get old. And we don't have any real wealth to pass on to heirs.

As a result we have tremendous freedom in our lives. I told my wife the other day, " We could touch a match to this whole deal and just drive off into the sunset and no one would give a damn."

We have more money to spend on ourselves, --- all of it! You've probably heard someone say, "We've raised our kids, now its OUR time." Well, its always our time!

And the stress levels around our house is VERY low indeed. The only drama is what we have created ourselves and it only effects the two of us.

We have a three bedroom, 2 bath, 2car garage in a gated subdivision and its all for us. My wife has her room and I have mine and we have ours. Its very quiet there,...always.

I have cold beer on tap in the garage all the time that I don't have to worry that the kids are into. (you can't see any beer missing from a keg). I'm not worried about setting any examples for anyone.

It works good for us. I love people and I love kids. I think it is a great thing to be a parent and a huge responsibility. Its just not for us.

Now that I'm approaching the end of my life, I don't regret my decision and my wife has told me that she doen't either.

Children can bring great happiness but so can freedom.

...papa

I used to really want kids, but I've been thinking about having a marriage similar to this. Honestly this looks 100x more appealing to me.

 

[Daisybabe]

I find this very telling, since geographers have found a strong correlation between countries with low birthrates and countries where women's educational and professional attainments are high. It's places where the traditional role of man-as-breadwinner and woman-as-homemaker persist that have above-replacement fertility.

This is probably going to come across as all kinds of offensive, but not only do I believe this theory wholeheartedly, I even take it further. I believe that the population as a whole is being "dumbed down." People with advanced educations and higher income levels have historically had fewer children. Those in the lower income brackets with high school level or lower educations have historically had larger families.

I have known since I was 9 or 10 that I didn't want children. I am an only child, I never enjoyed playing house or with dolls, and babysat I think once. the older I get, the more committed I am to remaining vhemt-ly childfree. The only thing that has really changed from 9 to now (32) is I am more vocal about sharing my childfree beliefs.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

^I have thought about this many times myself.

I know a lot of incredibly stupid people that have 3+ children.

I always thought I SHOULD have a kid, for the betterment of society, because I would raise a smart, questioning, open minded person. Just like my parents raised me.

But I honestly dont want to! Its quite a dilemma. Perhaps Ill change my mind and have one later in life. I like to think one smart person makes up for ten stupid people. Probably not true, but lets just pray it is.