Is not wanting kids just a phase, typically?

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I am 35. I have never felt the need or remote desire to have children. I think I knew this at around 18-19 years of age. I work pediatrics. That is the best birth control I have EVER known but I take my pill faithfully. In fact, wanting to stay on the pill was my motivation for quitting smoking at 32.

I made my position clear to my husband within the first 6 months of dating. He is "neutral" on having children. I address the topic every 6 months or so, just to see how he feels. I can't assume if he had a burning desire he would tell me right away as I am so adamantly against them.

I like the romantic idea of creating life from the love we share together. I can imagine our child would be beautiful, smart, and well behaved. This is the fantasy. I do not like the commitment and labour of that reality. It saddens me that if my husband really wanted them I would be forced into making an ugly decision. Stay or leave.

I enjoy the freedom I have. I enjoy the money we have. The cons outweigh the pros for me. There hasn't been any tick ticking of a clock here. I don't want to hold them or be around them if I am not getting paid to.

If my mind and body changes, I will welcome that change until then I am free to be me and not somebody's mother. If it is too late, then it was never meant to be....just as I had thought in the first place.

 

[Lady Codone]

It can be a phase that young people go through when they think they don't want the responsibility and want life to be all about themselves. When they get older the parental instinct kicks in and they feel like taking care of something.

On the other hand, society places a lot of pressure on people to have kids by a certain age and many people feel like something is wrong with them for not wanting kids and may have them for the wrong reasons. Not everyone is meant to have children!!! I think some of the most selfish people are the ones with known genetic diseases, mental problems, and other serious issues that have kids and risk passing these things on. Addicts should not have kids, nor should violent or irresponsible people...but they do. Meanwhile, the helpless babies have no say in the matter. So no, it's not always a phase. If you truly feel in your heart that you don't want kids, don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty, inadequate, or otherwise bad for these feelings and do not compromise. It's not something to be taken lightly, parenting.

On another note, I've always found it backwards and fucked up that the government can tell us what we can put in our own bodies but allows anyone to reproduce as frequently as they wish. There really should be a test or something that people have to pass--psychological, financial, and intellectual--in order to bring kids into this world. Overpopulation, child abuse and neglect, and other serious issues come into play.

 

[MazDan]

Our reasons for this decision are that we don't feel the need to bring children into existance just to have some mythical duty fullfilled. We don't think its right to have children to take care of us when we get old. And we don't have any real wealth to pass on to heirs.

Based on what you wrote after this comment, I suspect you felt unable to be 100% honest from the start. I think your reasons following this par were excellent.






I have absolutely no desire to have children.............well not babies.

However if they can pop out at say age 10 then im all for it for sure.

 

[lazydullard]

my 40-something dad accidently let it slip he wished he never had kids, lol. mostly because he had to give up all his dreams and money for them.

i've never wanted kids, but i'm only in my 20s.

 

[E-llusion]

Quite interesting that the OP was specifically requesting male perspective on the subject and quite a few women felt the need to reply with their own pro/con justifications in this very thread... Hmmm

 

[recons]

I dont want kids now, but I secretly desire my own personal family army.

I am 35. I have never felt the need or remote desire to have children. I think I knew this at around 18-19 years of age. I work pediatrics. That is the best birth control I have EVER known but I take my pill faithfully. In fact, wanting to stay on the pill was my motivation for quitting smoking at 32.

I made my position clear to my husband within the first 6 months of dating. He is "neutral" on having children. I address the topic every 6 months or so, just to see how he feels. I can't assume if he had a burning desire he would tell me right away as I am so adamantly against them.

I like the romantic idea of creating life from the love we share together. I can imagine our child would be beautiful, smart, and well behaved. This is the fantasy. I do not like the commitment and labour of that reality. It saddens me that if my husband really wanted them I would be forced into making an ugly decision. Stay or leave.

I enjoy the freedom I have. I enjoy the money we have. The cons outweigh the pros for me. There hasn't been any tick ticking of a clock here. I don't want to hold them or be around them if I am not getting paid to.

If my mind and body changes, I will welcome that change until then I am free to be me and not somebody's mother. If it is too late, then it was never meant to be....just as I had thought in the first place.

I wish you had a kid when you were 17.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

like I let them hang with a weed smoking dirty hippie like you

 

[SigmaSis03]

I don't like how it's almost expected of you to procreate.

Yes! Ugh, and you'd probably not like it even more if you were a woman. Somebody else said something about pressure to be a baby-making factory... That's real and it sucks. 26 and no interest, at this point, maybe ever, in having kids of my own and I don't understand why that's so weird, shocking, or disappointing for people.

Sure, it's a cool idea to think that you could make the world a better place by raising wonderful little people in your image (but don't most of them turn out fucked up anyway ). And I can tell my parents want me to, but suiting others is no reason to pop a kid out. And it certainly doesn't suit ME right now. Most of the things I enjoy are difficult (or inadvisable) to do when you're a parent so I'm going to take all the time I want to be selfish and satisfy my own desires.

I don't know, I feel like people often have kids for the wrong reasons. Craving to fill an emotional void in their lives, boredom, pressure of it being the societal norm... If you stop to think about real reasons to have kids and really weigh it against the sacrifice and the impact, I don't think it's weird, shocking, or disappointing at all that you might chose to never have kids. It just makes sense. And I think that trumps any basic biological drive to procreate or whatever for a lot of people, more and more as time goes on.

So, no, I don't think its just a phase.

 

[phillo]

just read the post title, didn't read all the responses and someone has probably already said this BUT...

i'm a gay man and therefore think about having kids in a more abstract way than a straight person. my feelings? things on this planet are BAD, like super fucked up really bad. enlightened and educated people should understand that procreating is not only not necessary; it's bad.

there are multitudes of unwanted kids out there: adopt. adopt and share your knowledge and love w/a kid that has nothing else.

more of my feelings? at this point, having kids is totally narcissistic and unnecessary. the planet can't handle more people. BAD things are happening. who the hell would even want to bring a kid into this nightmare?

take care of the kids that already exist; there are so many of them.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

ill let you know when the day comes that i want to be anchored down and have my freedom taken away.

People tell me i will change my mind but, i seriously, SERIOUSLY dought that. I want to be free, for my whole life. And i really dont see why i should be greedy in that bringing a kid into this already overpopullated world just to carry on my name, is just wrong. I frown on people who have more than a few kids... theres just no need, the world has far to many people, we should be focusing on that before we should be focusing on 'greenhouse gases'(which imo is a load of crap).

So yeah, im young, but i have my mind made up and to change that would.. well, you couldnt change that.

Im a woman and I feel just like you do.
My time is precious, and its for me.

If I ever change my mind thats fine, but right now I really have absolutely
no desire to have a child. I live with my boyfriend and his son, and I see
how extremely hard it is to raise a child. Its irritating and tiring even for me
and Im far from this childs main caretaker (I keep an eye on him a few
times a week at best).

Children are adorable, but I simply am not ready for that responsibility
and dont know if I ever will be. I dont think its just a phase, it just has
to do with your likes and dislikes and what you want out of life.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Based on what you wrote after this comment, I suspect you felt unable to be 100% honest from the start. I think your reasons following this par were excellent.






I have absolutely no desire to have children.............well not babies.

However if they can pop out at say age 10 then im all for it for sure.

Haha I sorta agree with that. I enjoy spending time with older kids.
If Im ever in a place to do so, Id like to do some positive work with young teens one day (outward bound, summer camp work, etc).

Its the little ones that drive me mad. I know it sounds awful, but I never knew how needy they are til living with one. I understand, they cant take care of themselves but its maddening to me. That constant need for attention. I cant stand it in adults and I cant stand it in kids either. Leave me alone! arg

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

Quite interesting that the OP was specifically requesting male perspective on the subject and quite a few women felt the need to reply with their own pro/con justifications in this very thread... Hmmm

I didn't see the no girlz allowed sign

 

[E-llusion]

I didn't see the no girlz allowed sign

Of course not, but if you look at the OP questions it was towards men or even women about men experiences. The mere fact that quite a few women replied with their "explanations" is interesting indeed.

 

[socko]

just read the post title, didn't read all the responses and someone has probably already said this BUT...

i'm a gay man and therefore think about having kids in a more abstract way than a straight person. my feelings? things on this planet are BAD, like super fucked up really bad. enlightened and educated people should understand that procreating is not only not necessary; it's bad.

there are multitudes of unwanted kids out there: adopt. adopt and share your knowledge and love w/a kid that has nothing else.

more of my feelings? at this point, having kids is totally narcissistic and unnecessary. the planet can't handle more people. BAD things are happening. who the hell would even want to bring a kid into this nightmare?

take care of the kids that already exist; there are so many of them.

I agree with you and I will go further. Having some social and political consciousness is a good way to not want to reproduce. The world is more of a nightmare than most of us can imagine. The american dream is long dead. Think of the rising poverty levels, combined with the longest working hours in history, the fact that any children we have will have a lower standard of living than we have (it's been happening to all generations born since the 1960s in the US), food shortages, violent crime, poisoned air, poisoned water supplies, resulting risk of birth defects, energy shortages, oil wars, continuing loss of personal liberties, endemic surveillance, our transformation into a police state ...

 

[phillo]

food shortages, violent crime, poisoned air, poisoned water supplies, resulting risk of birth defects, energy shortages, oil wars, continuing loss of personal liberties, endemic surveillance, our transformation into a police state ...

...water shortages, catastrophic climate change, genetically modified organisms unleashed, mass extinction, nuclear contamination, poisoned and dead soil...

 

[Johnny1]

^ ^^ So if your parents were to be able to go back in time and not have YOU, you would welcome that? 8)

 

[specialrelativity]

Totally, just a phase.

 

[phillo]

So if your parents were to be able to go back in time and not have YOU, you would welcome that?

does it say anywhere that i'm not a hypocrite? of course I should have been born, i mean, really

 

[Jamshyd]

You probably already know my opinion on this, but I'll post it anyway.

To begin with, I doubt being gay has much influence on my opinion because I have met gay men who want kids.

Not only do I not want children, but I am against childbirth as a whole, no offense to the mothers reading this.

I think we have more people on earth than necessary, and they all suffer in one way or another. I don't care how much you enjoy life: the fact remains that it is rife with pain. If you have a kid, you might be able to help it enjoy life, but you will be making absolutely sure that one unnecesarily extra human is being subjected to suffering at one point or another. Therefore, childbirth is, IMO, immoral.

If you want a child so bad, why not adopt?

Or better yet, why not open an orphanage (or some other sanctuary) and make that your child?

Even economically, in hinsight, doing such things will actually cost you less in the long-term than having a child of your own.

With all due respect to the parents reading it, having a child is, IMO, an act of selfishness (hence the rejection of the adoption idea) - if out of nothing, then ultimately out of fear of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I know that many of you are capable of giving love to your children, and I applaud you on that, but at the end of it all, the above is my opinion, and it seems to be too involved to be just a "phase".

I'm actually already out of the phase of not wanting children out of not wanting to waste time/take responsibility what-have-you. I actually want a child - but it certainly will not be made out of flesh, and definitely not my own.

ps. If johnny asks the same question to me, my answer would actually be a yes - and its not a bitter one, just logical.

 

[socko]

^ ^^ So if your parents were to be able to go back in time and not have YOU, you would welcome that? 8)

I have no idea how to answer questions like this. If I say yes, it sounds bitter and self-hating. If I say no, it's hypocritical and selfish. But as Jamshyd points out, life is full of suffering. From a logical and ethical standpoint, it would be better not to have been born.
Then again, maybe it's completely subjective after all, and I"m fooling myself. if I had been born to different parents, had a happy childhood, had a different genetic makeup and psychological disposition, maybe I would feel differently. But I don't.