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Is not wanting kids just a phase, typically?

MyDoorsAreOpen

MyDoorsAreOpen

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2003
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I'm a straight happily engaged dude, who feels at this time that life wouldn't be any worse spent without any kids at all, ever. We already make no accidents a high priority, so I don't see the stork paying us a surprise visit. If we decide to go for it, I think one is the magic number.

I've talked to a number of 40-something dudes who have kids, who all said the same thing. In each case he could've taken or left having kids, until either A) him and the mrs had an accident, or B) she twisted his arm, sometime in their 30s. But since then, the guy hasn't looked back, and in retrospect is so glad that's how it turned out.

How typical is this of guys as they get into middle aged married life? Is wanting kids typically something that has to be coaxed and kindled in a man's heart by a woman (not ever appearing if he never truly loves any women)? Or is it something that frequently changes in his mind spontaneously at a certain age range?
 
Actually the opposite is true with my bf and me. We're both in our mid-twenties, and he is the one that wants kids. I'm still undecided about it, he's the one trying to twist my arm about having kids when we get married.

Though I think his desire to be a father comes from the fact that he helped raise his niece, throughout the pregnancy until the girl was around 5 years old. That seems to have made the fathers instinct 'blossom' or something.
 
Someone once said to me - the day the baby is born is the day you become ready to be a father :)
 
ill let you know when the day comes that i want to be anchored down and have my freedom taken away. :p

People tell me i will change my mind but, i seriously, SERIOUSLY dought that. I want to be free, for my whole life. And i really dont see why i should be greedy in that bringing a kid into this already overpopullated world just to carry on my name, is just wrong. I frown on people who have more than a few kids... theres just no need, the world has far to many people, we should be focusing on that before we should be focusing on 'greenhouse gases'(which imo is a load of crap).

So yeah, im young, but i have my mind made up and to change that would.. well, you couldnt change that.
 
My wife and I have been married for 27 years. We've been together for 29 years. We decided before we were married that we would not have children.

Our reasons for this decision are that we don't feel the need to bring children into existance just to have some mythical duty fullfilled. We don't think its right to have children to take care of us when we get old. And we don't have any real wealth to pass on to heirs.

As a result we have tremendous freedom in our lives. I told my wife the other day, " We could touch a match to this whole deal and just drive off into the sunset and no one would give a damn."

We have more money to spend on ourselves, --- all of it! You've probably heard someone say, "We've raised our kids, now its OUR time." Well, its always our time!

And the stress levels around our house is VERY low indeed. The only drama is what we have created ourselves and it only effects the two of us.

We have a three bedroom, 2 bath, 2car garage in a gated subdivision and its all for us. My wife has her room and I have mine and we have ours. Its very quiet there,...always.

I have cold beer on tap in the garage all the time that I don't have to worry that the kids are into. (you can't see any beer missing from a keg). I'm not worried about setting any examples for anyone.

It works good for us. I love people and I love kids. I think it is a great thing to be a parent and a huge responsibility. Its just not for us.

Now that I'm approaching the end of my life, I don't regret my decision and my wife has told me that she doen't either.

Children can bring great happiness but so can freedom.

...papa
 
I don't think it is a phase, I have never wanted children and do not think I ever will. There have been several points in my life where I thought I might want to have some children, but being a homosexual, I just do not know if it is something I want to do. I guess I have my own stigma to deal with.
 
've talked to a number of 40-something dudes who have kids, who all said the same thing. In each case he could've taken or left having kids, until either A) him and the mrs had an accident, or B) she twisted his arm, sometime in their 30s. But since then, the guy hasn't looked back, and in retrospect is so glad that's how it turned out.
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Yup, very typical, yours truly included ;)
 
I didn't think I wanted kids until my sister had a couple. Being around babies, playing with them, etc. kind of throws a switch in your brain; you get used to the idea and see first hand how wonderful they can be (and how much work/trouble they can be. ;) )
 
bah, babys are ugly(mostly), shit all the time, make annoying noises, cry, are dumb, annoy you, constantly want attention, constantly need attention, eat all the time.

whats so fucking great about babys.. the couple of times they laugh or giggle? :\
 
I know lots of people in their forties - me included - who don't have kids and perfectly happy about that. Frankly, I think people have kids too casually - you should only parent if it's a really strong desire that you're committed to, not just this "oh yeah I guess that would be okay."
 
I think it's just a personal preference. Sure, those preferences can change at different periods in one's life.
 
I can't relate to being a male and not wanting children, but my boyfriend and I do not ever intend on having children even after we are married.

I guess I've not heard much about men feeling the pressure of having children. Usually, it's people pressuring the women to be a baby-making factory.

I think it all depends on what goals you want as a person, honestly.
 
Crazeee said:
Yup, very typical, yours truly included ;)
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Me too. :) Same story. Now my little girl is the reason I get up in the morning. I wouldn't trade her for everything in the world.

I do think it's important that your partner is someone who you respect as a mother/father and who you enjoy spending time with, because you're going to spend a lot of time as a family, ideally.
 
I am totally split on this issue.

I have enough lost puppies in my life, but these damn ovaries are really starting to annoy me. I have an awesome partner of one year. We would have awesome kids, but we are not in a place to provide for them.

I'm an only child, but I helped raise most of my cousins - diaper changing isn't foreign to me, at all. My biggest worry is not how to provide for any children I might have someday - that will be done before they're conceived :)

My biggest worry is postpartum depression. I don't want what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life to be as horrific as the stories I hear from postpartum depression sufferers. Depression, while not a death sentence, is a lifelong illness, and it isn't pretty even for those of us who don't visibly express it.

I am nearing my 28th birthday :) and I'm not even close to ready. Maybe at 30? Maybe never? My partner is two years younger than me, pursuing his education/professorship :). He doesn't have much drive to spawn his genetics or anything like that. 35 is my cutoff for health reasons.

I think we'll adopt someday. <3
 
There is still a whole lot of things I want to do and see in my lifetime and I don't see kids fitting into the picture I have envisioned for myself. Committing myself to raising another human being until they are 25 years old (let's be real, you don't raise a kid until 18 anymore) seems like a very, very long time. One surefire way to piss me off is to try and tell me not having kids is a phase or to "just wait and see what your wife says about that" or some equally asinine thing. I don't like how it's almost expected of you to procreate. I believe I'd like to get married someday, but I don't see kids ever becoming part of that equation.
 
i dont see kids becoming a part of my equation either. i dont have a huge desire to get married. i dont think that mindset is going to change, but i will say im somewhat open to the possibility if i fall in love w/ a woman and she is dead set on having kids, but it would take a WHOLE lot for me, since i dont want kids.
 
I'm very happy spending time with my brother's kid. I'm 35 and I don't see myself ever having kids. Part of me feels a vague twinge of regret at that, sometimes. But you know; nephews and friends' kids and so on, they'll make up for it.

I do think some people change their opinions over time. But it's quite wrong to say that everyone does, that it's just a phase.
 
Johnny1 said:
Me too. :) Same story. Now my little girl is the reason I get up in the morning. I wouldn't trade her for everything in the world.
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+1 Here !

Lol , I used to be the MOST anti-kid person, I'd yell at people with screaming babies on planes, now I am the one yelling at people who give me evil looks cuz my little girl is crying on the plane =D

My biggest worry is postpartum depression. I don't want what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life to be as horrific as the stories I hear from postpartum depression sufferers. Depression, while not a death sentence, is a lifelong illness, and it isn't pretty even for those of us who don't visibly express it.
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You can't focus on the negatives, while I am not a female and I am sure PPD is very likely for a lot of women, do not assume you will get it, focus on the positives not negatives, alot of women who get PPM already have many negative influences in their lives b4 the pregnancy.

PPM is not permanent anyway, with a good support network of family and friends you can overcome it fairly quickly. If you do get pregnant fully conciuous of your decision on your and your partner's behalf, you already won half the battle, the truth is , a lot of kids in the world are born "unplanned" , "accidental" , "forgot to take the pill" etc etc.

Not to say a lot of them will not turn out to be great contribution to their parent's otherwise empty lives ;)
 
I look forward to parenthood so I can live out my Oliver Twist fantasy. "MORE?!?!?!?!?!? You want MORE gruel??? Good Heavens! I have never seen such ingratitude in my life! Into the closet for another week you go!"
 
Finder said:
There is still a whole lot of things I want to do and see in my lifetime and I don't see kids fitting into the picture I have envisioned for myself. Committing myself to raising another human being until they are 25 years old (let's be real, you don't raise a kid until 18 anymore) seems like a very, very long time. One surefire way to piss me off is to try and tell me not having kids is a phase or to "just wait and see what your wife says about that" or some equally asinine thing. I don't like how it's almost expected of you to procreate. I believe I'd like to get married someday, but I don't see kids ever becoming part of that equation.
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Finder, you and I have been friends for a long time, and I have respected you for literally, years. To view these words, knowing fully that they are your truth, makes me respect you that much more. Procreation should always be a choice, whether for or against. You have made a decision I highly respect. And you can always change your mind. One cannot go back on parenthood the way one can being childless by choice.

Drop me a line on unrelated stuff. I'd like to know how you're doing. <3

Your friend,

-posa (still childless for similar reasons!)
 
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