Is my friends mom acting irrationally?

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I was hoping you guys could offer your opinion on something. A friend of mine has been struggling with heroin addiction for years. A few years ago he stole $1500 from his mother to support his addiction. When she found out she demanded he get clean and pay her back. He payed her back and had gotten sober.

After a few relapses he finally managed six consecutive months sober. Then he relapsed again and ended up stealing from his mom a second time when he got desperate. He felt so bad that he told her what he had done, and his plans to pay her back, but she wasn't having it.

Now she's kicking him out and is cutting all ties with him. Both I and my friend think its a little over the top. I was the one who told him he should tell his mom that he stole from her, since she'd find out anyway and it would show that he truly regrets what he did and he wanted to fix it.

He says it was the addict in him which drove him to stole, almost like he had no control over what he was doing, which I can understand and relate to. Do you think it's right for this woman to cut all ties and leave her son homeless directly after a relapse when he needs support from his family the most? Or does he get what he deserves?

She says she wants nothing to do with him and doesn't care what happens to him. He's looking for apartments now but is scared for his future and the fact he lost the only support system in his life...What do you guys think of his mothers decision?

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I think the phrase "I had no control over what I did it was the addict in my it's not my fault" is the absolute WORST thing to say to someone you just fucked over with your addiction. Maybe if he took responsibility for his actions she would be a little more willing to forgive him. I bet if she sees some signs he is changing his behavior-- going to meetings, rehab, willing to take drug tests, etc-- she is will be more open to forgiving him. But if not that's her choice, everyone is different, you can't control other people you can only control yourself. I've been kicked out of my mom's house more times than I can count for using and I've never stolen from her, don't even want to know how pissed off she'd have been if I had ever done that.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

No.

He's an adult, made the personal choice or decision to steal, and now has to take personal responsibility for his actions.

What his mother is doing is not over the top. She is setting boundaries, rules, and consequences for breaking them and for her son's choice to start using opiates and steal from her again.

I can understand why she's reacting the way she is. I know people who have had their children or siblings, or a partner who are opiate, coke, or meth addicts steal from them and at first it was just a small amount of money, and then it was a lot more than just money. Some came home from a business trip or work and found that everything in their house had been stolen while they were away.

 

[MedicalCoding]

No I wouldn't talk to anybody who was stealing from meEither.

 

[herbavore]

She is no doubt being counseled that she is enabling her son by offering her financial support as well as other kinds of support while he is in active addiction. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. Your friend has no trust in himself and so how in the world could his mom have any?

 

[phactor]

No she is not. In fact, she is doing the right thing. She is your friends mother, she doesn't want to watch her son kill herself and who could blame her?

Good song by the way, saw my first show in 98 and they played that.

Support your friend, get him to some meetings. If you are using then maybe its best you stay away for at least awhile. I know that is hard to heal, but it sounds like he might have had enough pain. I knew I was an addict for a long damn time, but that still didn't stop me from using. Why? Because I cannot do it on my own. When I start I cannot stop until shit gets bad enough. Its never pretty or good.

Also, is this his first time living alone? I do feel for your friend, but he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes. Not just say it, but really feel it. This requires a ton of bravery because it often requires acknowledging that you fucked up and then requires you to step outside of your comfort zone very frequently.