ZSSR
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2014
- Messages
- 14
I was trying to finally come up with the things that caused all the mess in my head, and I am getting closer but I am still unsure.
Basically, I am having a very difficult time talking to women, making friends with them, trusting them.... I NEVER hit on girls as I always feel like I am not an option anyway. I see women in a bad light, like they always only expect to get something and are never able to give - just because they look pretty and have a vagina does not mean they deserve everything without earning it first. I have lost virginity to a prostitute at the age of 18 and I have paid for sex about 30 times now, I am 20. I have never had sex without paying and I literally lost all my hopes. To be honest, I do not care about sex that much, I wish to have a person to be happy with by spending time with them and doing cool stuff. I do not even have normal female friends I could talk to for more than 2 minutes. There is no perspective for me too look for things to ever change, my experience was always negative...
I was thinking... since I remember my mother and dad always used to fight. My father used to pull nasty tricks on my mom, check her phone, say how bad she is, he did hit her too. They split when I was 10, but before that my mother was also cheated on by my dad, and sometimes me and my brother would spend time at my dad's different "lovers" houses many times. Then he would argue with his female lovers too over and over again. Once my parents split my dad found himself another woman he stayed with for a few years, she was also married, married to my dad's best friend! They made a baby, then argued a lot, and finally split as well. My dad's view on women isn't a positive one, and he would always pass all the negativity onto me. Isn't he supposed to be my role model, and teach me the positive things not negative? Fucking bastard. I am not saying my mother is completely innocent, but my experience with my parents is that my mother always did everything to feed my and my brother's mouths while my father is out for full days with his friends. There is more into it, but my head hurts and I am having some difficult time typing.
It took me very long time to kind of realise where the problem is and where it came from. Me, my brother, my mother and my step dad are now living in a totally different country for 8 years now, 4k miles away from my native nation, also where my father was left behind. I talk to my dad on skype once in a while and he always tells me that he would expect me to finish university, have a job and be a good person. He expects! Can you understand! He fucking expects! He was NEVER at home, he failed to raise us, he has no control over the 8 years AND HE EXPECTS!? BASTARD, HE CAN GO AND FUCK HIMSELF!!! Ahhhh I am so angry right now... If he ever told me in my face that I did something wrong, I'd hit him in the face breaking his nose or skull.
All this negative history, and negative environment only make me want to do horrible stuff or take my life away. I cannot go like this any longer... I even had to cut on alcohol because it began to make my stomach hurt really bad.
I am filled with so much anger and hatred, I am sick of it, I cannot live like this.
Basically, I am having a very difficult time talking to women, making friends with them, trusting them.... I NEVER hit on girls as I always feel like I am not an option anyway. I see women in a bad light, like they always only expect to get something and are never able to give - just because they look pretty and have a vagina does not mean they deserve everything without earning it first. I have lost virginity to a prostitute at the age of 18 and I have paid for sex about 30 times now, I am 20. I have never had sex without paying and I literally lost all my hopes. To be honest, I do not care about sex that much, I wish to have a person to be happy with by spending time with them and doing cool stuff. I do not even have normal female friends I could talk to for more than 2 minutes. There is no perspective for me too look for things to ever change, my experience was always negative...
I was thinking... since I remember my mother and dad always used to fight. My father used to pull nasty tricks on my mom, check her phone, say how bad she is, he did hit her too. They split when I was 10, but before that my mother was also cheated on by my dad, and sometimes me and my brother would spend time at my dad's different "lovers" houses many times. Then he would argue with his female lovers too over and over again. Once my parents split my dad found himself another woman he stayed with for a few years, she was also married, married to my dad's best friend! They made a baby, then argued a lot, and finally split as well. My dad's view on women isn't a positive one, and he would always pass all the negativity onto me. Isn't he supposed to be my role model, and teach me the positive things not negative? Fucking bastard. I am not saying my mother is completely innocent, but my experience with my parents is that my mother always did everything to feed my and my brother's mouths while my father is out for full days with his friends. There is more into it, but my head hurts and I am having some difficult time typing.
It took me very long time to kind of realise where the problem is and where it came from. Me, my brother, my mother and my step dad are now living in a totally different country for 8 years now, 4k miles away from my native nation, also where my father was left behind. I talk to my dad on skype once in a while and he always tells me that he would expect me to finish university, have a job and be a good person. He expects! Can you understand! He fucking expects! He was NEVER at home, he failed to raise us, he has no control over the 8 years AND HE EXPECTS!? BASTARD, HE CAN GO AND FUCK HIMSELF!!! Ahhhh I am so angry right now... If he ever told me in my face that I did something wrong, I'd hit him in the face breaking his nose or skull.
All this negative history, and negative environment only make me want to do horrible stuff or take my life away. I cannot go like this any longer... I even had to cut on alcohol because it began to make my stomach hurt really bad.
I am filled with so much anger and hatred, I am sick of it, I cannot live like this.
