Is my brain fried?

[TwitchE]

I need the truth.

History: When I was 15 I had a "friend" whom introduced me to air duster. I huffed cans upon cans of the shit for about a month straight. Had a few near death experiences and what not. (I wish I had died) Anywho, I proceeded to smoking weed and cigs since then and went through years of depression, though I quit cigs months ago. Well, I decided to start doing ecstasy when I was like 17.. I'm guessing.. I can't remember shit.. And have probably taken about 200~ pills since then.. Rough estimate of course.. Had quite a few bad ones.. And bad experiences. I had a BAD trip on triple C's with antidepressants.. I died and went to hell and was burning for eternity.. Then when I came to, I tried to do something disturbing that I can never bring myself to talk about to anyone because I'm deeply ashamed and sickened with myself. I dabbled with meth and crack a few times but I decided that wasn't my thing. Instead, it's all about that legal shit! Adderall, Concerta, Vyvanse.. I didn't get.. Too deep into it. But deep enough. I've mixed some pills quite a few times.. Didnt care all that much.. Hoping to have a little fun until I die. So let's see.. Cocaine.. Xanax.. Somas.. And whatever the fuck else I could get my hands on. I tried salvia, and saw nothing, just laughed my balls off. I did some hardcore drinking.. Especially for my size. 130lb. Ummm.. I tried shrooms and basically fucking died and came back to life relearning everything.. That was my experience at least. Then recently I've decided to try acid.. I did it 3 times in a week. That was kind of the breaking point for me. The second time I decided to do cocaine on it and had a bad trip.

I'm 21 now.. Going on 22 in less than a month. I quit everything 8 or 9 days ago. Looking back, I was a good kid.. I told myself I would never do drugs and I had a lot going for me.. What the fuck happened?? It's like I lost complete control and it's all a blur to me now. Now I just feel.. Like nothing matters anymore. I keep going through episodes where I'll consider killing myself.. But I can't do it.. It's like I'm being controlled by something out of my power.. It makes me sick. I feel sick. I feel so distant from people.. And like no one cares.. Or is real for that matter. Like everyone is all part of this one thing. I'm beginning to feel so numb. This world can be such a cruel place. The worst part is I did it to myself. Me. All. Me. I can't blame anyone, but me. So now I live day to day, with short moments of freedom from the prison I've created for myself knowing that they will not last long. Up, down, up, down. I want off this ride.. I can't handle it much longer. I don't feel real anymore.

So give me the facts. I looked it up and I have 95% the symptoms of depersonalization, derealization, bipolar, schizo.. Blah blah blah.. My brain is fried, right? I have nothing going for me anymore but being a pathetic excuse for existence. Because right now, life is looking pretty fucking dim. This place is hell.

 

[dogsoldier]

You sound depressed mate. You should go to a docter and explain everything you drug use/abuse and how you are feeling at the moment.

 

[TwitchE]

What is he going to do? Give me more drugs?

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Relax, take a deep breath....I'm serious, do this with me.......take a deep breath, close your eyes, count down from 5 slowly, when you reach 0 gently exhale and keep your eyes closed, maintain a steady, gentle, calm breathing pattern. I'm extremely serious when I'm posting this, I expect you to do this with me if you want any help. I've been in your shoes, albeit not exactly, but a similar 'empty' and 'worthless' mind state. Funny you mention duster and ecstasy, because that's what did it for me, when combined.

I began experimenting with drugs late in life, around 23 is when I began. One particular night, I had my first very intense MDMA experience, and while itself it was a mind-expending experience, my friend had the bright idea to suggest we start inhaling computer duster assuring me it was safe to do. Well, after one nice big hit of duster, I suddenly felt the most disturbing sensation inside my head, and all of a sudden had complete unexpected ego death, meaning I had no sense of self, I didn't know who I was, where I was, when I was, and all I saw in front of me was something I can't even begin explain, but it encompassed the entire universe and inscribed on my brain the question "What is it all for?" From that point forward I feel like I am a changed person, in some ways for the better on some ways for the worse. I certainly have a better understanding and respect for feelings, people, animals, nature, the world, the universe, pretty much everything, while at the same time I now suffer from anxiety and depression, I am far more emotional, I am far more sensitive, more analytical, more irritable, more generally paranoid, and simply never feeling completely mentally at rest. The only times that I now feel like everything is completely ok is when I am....unfortunately....on drugs. I feel as if a switch was flipped that very moment I tripped out on duster and experienced a complete ego death for the first time in my life, while rolling harder than I ever have in my life on extremely pure MDMA. It was the singular most terrifying moment of my life and I have been changed for better and for worse since. In the following months after this particular night, I spiraled into a deep, dark depression and it took almost a year for me to un-fuck my head and stop feeling suicidal, and finally get to a point where I could honestly say I could perceive feelings of happiness again. Yeah, it was real bad...I went to my doctor, got on a medication as well as all sorts of various benzos, and none of it helped, if anything it's just numbed me to completely everything to where I just didn't feel or remember anything at all. I actually remember the point where I eventually convinced myself to just stop taking all the meds I was on, and about a month after stopping, there was a particular moment where nothing special had actually happened, I simply walked into my bedroom, and felt this feeling of comfort and appreciation for my awesome bedroom, all the cool lights I have, the sweet artwork, the trancy music I had playing, I suddenly had this overwhelming strange yet familiar and extremely pleasurable sensation poured over me, and it took a second, I had to stop and think for a second to remind myself whether or not I had taken a drug earlier in the day, and I remembered that I hadn't, and this feeling I was feeling was my brain finally beginning to return to normal. This feeling I was feeling, radiating from my mid-section, was the same feeling of "Ahh, I'm home, in my comfort zone" that I used to feel before I 'fucked myself up'. I thought I had lost the ability to feel this feeling forever, I had lost hope, I thought that the very essence of life, my reward pathway, my 'feel-good' system, was broken and would never work right again. Finally feeling pure, non-drug-induced euphoria was the most liberating feeling imaginable, and from that day forward, I have been recovering, feeling improvement all the time.

Now, I'm finally in a place where I feel like I do not suffer repercussions from the MDMA+duster night. I do still have anxiety and occasional depression, however I simply think that I now am far more aware and sensitive to feelings and emotions, and although I have felt feelings of depression and anxiety my whole life, I am far more aware and understanding of them now. Now that I understand it better, I feel like I'm better at dealing with it, however the caveat is that I feel like I'm SO aware of my emotions that I tend to OVER-think them, which inevitably results in anxiety.

Here's the question: If I had the chance, would I take it all back and return to the person I used to be and be in the mind state I used to be in, instead of this wide-open-minded, hyper-sensitive, emotionally aware being? I'd certainly like to take back a few choice experiences I've had with drugs that I feel did not give constructive value to my life, however as a whole, I think I'm a better person, more understanding of others, more patient in most cases, more respectful of nature, the Earth and the Universe, I'm wiser, more empathetic, more open-minded to things I previously was not, more tolerant of other people's cultures and attributes that I previously did not understand or respect, I have a more desirable thought approach to most situations, especially on-the-spot decisions are far more constructive and less ego-inflating or self-centered.....I can go on listing out all the positive changes drugs have introduced to my life....however I can probably make a similar list, probably not AS long, but plenty long enough...listing out all the cons that drugs have introduced to my life as well.

Having said all that, I feel I have manged to turn my life around and now I'm in a great place where I no longer dwell on past events or obsess on how things "would have been better if I didn't _____insert regret here____". Now, any anxiety or depression that I experience, not only am I far better at dealing with it, but I'm also far better at identifying things in my immediate life that trigger such conditions. When I feel depressed, I don't sit here and think "oh poor me, if I never took MDMA, I wouldn't be feeling this way, oh I'm broken, my brain is fried, poor me, I guess I'll just keep chomping down these anti-dep's and benzos and continue feeling useless...". Instead, I consider what's going on my life, the current state of things, and I identify the factors that clearly are direct or indirect triggers to less-than-pleasurable mental states.

Well, I've been chewing coca all night, and you were the lucky one I decided to share the climax of the smooth yet satisfying speedy effect of tonight's cocktail.

G'night.

 

[Cyc]

Amazing post, Seattle_Stranger. Thanks so much for that.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Op: 21 going on 22, you're young!
It's good that you've decided to quit now rather than let this abuse continue into your later adult years.
8 days is a huge achievement. Such a great start to what can be an amazing outcome.
Stay strong man. The mind can repair itself if you allow it to.
If you cave in and start abusing random drugs again, the healing process is only going to prolong itself.

 

[TwitchE]

I've had that complete ego death feeling a few times from duster. It's fuckin crazy huh? In my experience, it's almost like the entire world freezes and you're stuck in this complete de ja what the fuck feeling. Haha. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night and had a similar feeling. It was like I had no idea where I was, but I kind of knew I was in my room.. but at the same time was completely confused at what the hell was going on.. But it was this frozen feeling of oneness. Weird shit. Anyways, I was wrong with my math.. I'm on day 11 of no drugs. I went today with no major depressive mood swings.. Just some similar thought patterns and hoping I don't think too much. Though I've been up all night.. Since I've been sleeping way too much I might need to stay up a bit. Idk. Im confused on what I need to do to be honest.. Also there's this particular feeling that I can't shake.. I know what it is but I'm not going to acknowledge it.. Maybe it will pass one day. I really hope so. Thanks for the encouragement guys.

 

[badfish45]

You've only been off of drugs for about 8 days (congratulations by the way, wonderful accomplishment), so give your brain some time to recover from all of the abuse. Your mind will repair itself, just hang in there and don't let your mind trick you into falling back into abuse.

 

[p0ly]

Exercise, healthy eating and a good long detox from all drugs will help a lot. If you stick with it you will start to feel better.