Adaoud25
Bluelighter
So ive been using drugs since 16. Experimenting with x, psychedelics, prescription pills, marijuana, and alcohol. At 18, I became a heavy benzo and pain pill addict. I would get prescription clonazopam, buy other benzos from the street, but my main love was pain pills, weed, and pain pills. When i was introduced to heroin at 20, my life of abusing heroin alone dropped me to my knees in a year. I eventually went to rehab with intentions of just quitting heroin. And i did, when i left rehab I continued to smoke herb, drink heavily with friends, and occasionally take pills here and there.......
Long story short, i had bouts of pure recovery in the program of AA. Then i had short lasting bouts of using benzos and heroin. I am currently 29. I tried what i call "cheap thrills". These include kratom, phenibut, tianeptine, etizolam.....and other stuff i can't remember. But out of the cheap thrills, i found phenibut to be my love. The state i was living in made kratom illegal, otherwise i would have used that.
I used phenibut for 2 and 1/2 yrs daily in 3-10 grams a day(started low and increased my dose). When i didnt have it, i had the worst soul crushing depression, insomnia to the fullest, deadly anxiety attacks, and possibly close to seizures. But i figured it worked better then any ssri i tried, and i would use it like so.
Last year i went to a 4 month rehab facility in a different state. For the first time i used lope in large amounts(50 pills) a day. I didnt do it for withdrawl, but I was 2 months completely sober and balls deep depressed. While i was in this state i rarely used kratom.
Fast forward to now. The past 3 months I got into benzos again from doc and rc benzos.....i havent used benzos in 2 weeks as of now. I switch between lope and kratom. When i have kratom i used about 30 grams a day. When i dont have kratom i use 40 lope pills....
My point is, i am ALWAYS in a low mood or depressed. I have adhedonia that won't give even 2 months completely clean, cognitive and focus has dropped, and basically the will to live is gone.
The last time i tried to get completely sober, it was 3 months of abstinence. Yea the acute wd's go away, but the PAWS is always bringing me back to something. Idk if its PAWS, all i know is jshould feel amazing after 3 months of complete abstinence and i feel like a waste of human.
I think I can say this is a result of my drug use. I just want to be how i was at 23, anxiety free, hitting on woman, full of energy to where i can work 16hrs a day! Now i have no energy, self esteem dropped, no pride, no ambition, always filled with anxiety and fear! Theres alot more to my story.... But has anyone been through this?
Long story short, i had bouts of pure recovery in the program of AA. Then i had short lasting bouts of using benzos and heroin. I am currently 29. I tried what i call "cheap thrills". These include kratom, phenibut, tianeptine, etizolam.....and other stuff i can't remember. But out of the cheap thrills, i found phenibut to be my love. The state i was living in made kratom illegal, otherwise i would have used that.
I used phenibut for 2 and 1/2 yrs daily in 3-10 grams a day(started low and increased my dose). When i didnt have it, i had the worst soul crushing depression, insomnia to the fullest, deadly anxiety attacks, and possibly close to seizures. But i figured it worked better then any ssri i tried, and i would use it like so.
Last year i went to a 4 month rehab facility in a different state. For the first time i used lope in large amounts(50 pills) a day. I didnt do it for withdrawl, but I was 2 months completely sober and balls deep depressed. While i was in this state i rarely used kratom.
Fast forward to now. The past 3 months I got into benzos again from doc and rc benzos.....i havent used benzos in 2 weeks as of now. I switch between lope and kratom. When i have kratom i used about 30 grams a day. When i dont have kratom i use 40 lope pills....
My point is, i am ALWAYS in a low mood or depressed. I have adhedonia that won't give even 2 months completely clean, cognitive and focus has dropped, and basically the will to live is gone.
The last time i tried to get completely sober, it was 3 months of abstinence. Yea the acute wd's go away, but the PAWS is always bringing me back to something. Idk if its PAWS, all i know is jshould feel amazing after 3 months of complete abstinence and i feel like a waste of human.
I think I can say this is a result of my drug use. I just want to be how i was at 23, anxiety free, hitting on woman, full of energy to where i can work 16hrs a day! Now i have no energy, self esteem dropped, no pride, no ambition, always filled with anxiety and fear! Theres alot more to my story.... But has anyone been through this?