is love enough??

[mr.buffnstuff]

Hi all, right long story short, was with a girl for 8/9 months, we were either incredibly happy or just arguing like you woulnt believe. constantly from the highest highs to the lowest lows. after a 4 months break while we were both seeing each other she has been trying to get me back and although i do love her i had just had in my mind that ill never be back with her. through this mindset i saw her almost as 'beneath me' when we were apart and arguing i purposly said and did things i knew would upset her and make her doubt herself and feel shit. at the time for what she had done to me i felt it more than justified....
so cut to last night then: iv had some acid which i had been waiting for for over a year. i have that and with my ego out the window i could think logically about things i actually was crying for so long from knowing what i had done and put her through i feel so low you wouldnt believe, weather or not she deserved it, i shouldnt have done that to anyone. especially not her! i love this girl and i know she has such a tough time with everything, i want to help her and show her how good life can be. she says she loves me and i know she does. so im in bed with her last night and im thinking about everything, and i do want to give things another go with her and god knows i want to do things differently! so today i have a new attitude BUT the day turns into one big argument AGAIN... it seems she thinks everyone puts hers last i.e i only see her when i have nothing else to do... she doesnt understand that people have commitments, work and things like that, i had arranged to go food shopping with my dad later in the day and she got the arse because of that... theres no reasoning, its just no, dont want to do anything for a few hours, whats the point? just go...
i told her i would see her tonight and tomorrow BUT tomorrow in the afternoon i would need to get things ready for work... and again to her this is just 'fitting her in' when i have nothing else to do!?
I love this girl and im prepared to do what it takes to treat her right and work up to giving things another go, but shes so unreasonable. she doesnt realise EVERYBODY has things they need to do throughout the day... how can i explain to her, just because i have to work or i have to go shopping or have to get things ready for work its not putting her last!? what do i do? she just doesnt seem to care...

 

[Lysis]

I don't think this is love, TBH. I think this is just one of those instances where you have good and bad, but there's so much bad that you argue all the time. But, when you sit and think about things, you remember the good, because you're trying to reason with yourself to keep it easy. Easy is staying with her. Hard is starting over and finding someone new. It's hard to tell you what to do, because only you really know what is right. I've been on both sides: the person who wants the other to just go away and the person who thinks she's in love and wants the guy to give it another shot. In the first instance, I knew I was being a totally asshole, because I knew if he left me, I wouldn't be the bad guy. It wasn't on purpose. It was just this feeling that I had where I wanted the guy to go, but I had no reason why other than the guy just wasn't right for me. The other instance, I got my way and we tried again, but it turned out worse than the first go, so I kinda wish I hadn't gotten my way, even though at the time I thought this guy was awesome.

 

[Care]

Sounds like you arent personally ready for a serious relationship.

through this mindset i saw her almost as 'beneath me' when we were apart and arguing i purposly said and did things i knew would upset her and make her doubt herself and feel shit. at the time for what she had done to me i felt it more than justified....

 

[mr.buffnstuff]

care - with all respect, the circu,stances surrounding what i did i really do feel were justified. i know she reads all my posts, so i dont want to go into exactly what happened. i did them things after we had split up, i make it sound like it was only me who was bad here but it was omn both sides, her first and i got that pissed off with her constantly texting me abuse and telling me bout all the guys she was with now, i ended up doing that. just to hurt her cuz i wanted her to leave me be...

TBF though this is all getting too much for me, i am prepared to sort things out but it has to come from both sides, iv addressed my problems and held my hands up and apologised for what iv done. but she needs to meet he halfway now. the main problems been because she thinks i only see her when i have nothing to do. I am getting fed up now, when i think over everything this is all getting too much, im going through hard times for one reason or another and i dont want extra stress and hassle at the moment! she acts like a spoilt brat just demanding what she wants and if she doesnt get it she throws a tantrum!

I.e if i have something to do one day, if i see her that day, iv only seen her because i have nothing else to do.... i have seen her because i want to BUT ill have to go in the evening or something to get my stuff ready for work and get a good sleep ready for the next day! does that make me so unreasonable?

 

[Ninae]

Okay, I'm with someone who has a lot of faults and qualities that hurt me some of the time. Like, I could wish he was more romantic and affectionate, and there are also some quite serious issues. These are all real and legitimate concerns so it's not just something in my mind, and I'm also giving him NOTHING back for it, as I am very idealistic about relationships, and that is one reason I can get upset about it.

For the first months, like maybe first six months or so, it was something that would sometimes trouble me quite a bit. Like, I would sometimes allow it to hurt me and get between us and I would be concerned I wasn't in the most ideal situation, etc. We didn't really argue, only really got into one real fight, where he would see things his way and I my way. He said things like "You're judging me and I don't like it", etc. which probably sounds laughable to you, but our relationship was normally so good I was upset that it got between us and there was no way I could solve it. Also because it was to do with things that had been an issue for me in the past and I was quite vulnerable about and there was nothing I could to do change it, so if I had been a drama queen I would have been screaming bloody murder.

Anyway, I'm also always thinking about how I can improve myself and the relationship, and not just the other person...and after that experience the feeling crossed my mind that it wasn't worth it to get so upset about classic male/female issues or let it ruin a relationship with someone you loved. And that for that matter this also applied to any other issue. And then the more rational notion that if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone less than perfect for you it was better for you and the relationship if you just made a decision whether you wanted to be with them or not, and if you decided you would try to see it from the more positive sides and make the best out of it, and then stick to that. And then I decided that was what I was going to do, and after that we haven't really had any problems as I have been able to stick to it, and the way I see it I was the one who was really creating problems between us.

Most might say it was the other person as they were the ones actively hurting the relationship. But at least he was making the best of it and weren't having any serious problems with me or letting me really hurt him. So he was approaching at least that situation in a less negative and more constructive way, and also there's the fact that you can only really change yourself, and if you want to change the other person I find it more effective if you take a more accepting attitude, reward them when they are doing what you want instead of punishing them for not, and just trying to appeal to their better nature and explain that something is hurting you and if they really care about you they might respond to that, but ONLY if you're willing or able to do the same. If you want someone to treat you in a certain way you need to be able to set a good example, as you can't expect someone to do something that you're not capable of.

So, even if you decide not to go on with this relationship, maybe spend some time thinking of how you can make it better and get what you want. It basically sounds like you are as bad as each other and take a more immature attitude where you just go with your emotions and stamp your feet to try and get what you want and it just doesn't work. I basically just made a more rational decision to try and make the best of it to make it work after coming up with that more emotional/spiritual realisation, and was able to do it. Not saying it was easy as it involves quite a high level of self-control, especially for a female.

One reason we were able to make it work was that he is more masculine and able to deal with it in that way, or was willing to co-operate, while if both of you are more emotional/feminine it will just end up in the kind of scream-fest you describe, or at least do real damage to the relationship. If I was you I would try to work on myself and learn to keep a more positive/peaceful state when you're having trouble, or you will just make it worse, or it will make her look more right and you more guilty ("He who protests too much, etc.). Or, if she wasn't right why would you get that upset? It's so much better to go in the opposite direction and suprise her with a more neutral or positive response, because this is so much more effective than words. Then I would try to reassure her and explain or apologise the best way I could when it comes to her concerns and doubts about you. Probably she has a good reason for most of them as well, and even if it's all in her mind you're not going about it the right way to reassure her.

To me it sounds like this would come unnaturally to both of you and even if you manage to reassure her on those points she would just think of something else, and that you need to do real work on yourself until you're able to manage a better relationship than that and can lead with a better example, and also in most cases need to take the time to explain how it all works to the other person. Because most aren't actually going to be able to see it that way and it will feel very unnatural and uncomfortable to them. And this will be what they focus on rather than being able to get a better end-result. I also used to be that way and know just what it's like and you can do a lot of damage to yourself and the other person even with the best intentions.

 

[hiphophippy]

Whats love got to do, got to do with it?

 

[Bearlove]

I'm a bit confused with your post?

The title 'Is love enough' is pretty misleading - you don't seem to really love her and she doesn't seem to love you (At the moment)! If I asked myself 'Is love enough' after being in a long term relationship then I would say = yes (as we have some common ground to work on) . If I was in a new relationship and was already asking myself - 'Is love enough' I would say no.

Your post is full of - I love this person BUT - I could love this person IF.

Look at who this person is / what they have to offer to you - if you need to change them that much (to suite you) then do you really want them? If they are unable to understand / appreciate what you need to do on a daily basis to earn a living then call leave!