Hi. I think I did something strange to my head. Ended up doing about 1.5-2g MDMA in 2 weeks even though I knew I was past any reasonable effects. Not that much for a regular user but I had gone 3 or 4 years without it. Talked about this in another post but just to recap..Life has just been so boring and routine, I had to do something or face spending the whole summer indoors which happens 50% of the time. I've been on lithium, buprenorphine and weed all winter doing absolutely nothing. All motivation to do anything has died and I literally stopped casual social visits with friends and family completely. I won't list the numerous lifetime diagnosis as I doubt most of them are even real rather than results of drug use and excuses to hand out meds. Bipolar type 1 is the only thing I know for sure I have.
But now for the last week weird stuff has been happening. First thing I noticed was that I hadn't taken practically any bupre all week which shouldn't happen without cravings after several years of doing it. It's kind of surprising to have to run to the toilet for the first time in ages. I'm seriously considering quitting it as I'm down to one 0.4mg pill every 2 days or so to make sleeping easier and my doctor is on vacation when my script runs out. Just 2 months ago I blasted through my 2 month supply in a week after just a short time without lithium (very weird intense despair), luckily the doctor never wants to leave me suffering w/d so he gave more. I can't remember why I thought it's worth it anymore. After a fun start it eventually kills the little enjoyment you have left.
Then there are these emotional states that go from 0 to 100 in an instant. This started a while back but got intense just now. I've been killing the recover-e time with movies and music which both trigger them, half the time laughing just because I feel so good until water is streaming down my face and going to tears in beautiful moments. Depressing stuff can hit just as fast like the fact I have to start building a temporary social life from scratch once again but somehow that just doesn't stick anymore. It lasts a few minutes and I'm back to smiling.
Anyone else ever got this? What is happening? MDMA effects or normality returning? I used to think I don't mind eating the lithium but is this just what stuff really feels like and I didn't notice the diminished experience before? I don't know anyone else who is on the stuff so there's nobody to talk to and compare notes with. I never noticed any effect going on lithium but then I was always on the downhill after a manic episode when I started. The manias never used to bother me that much until they escalated into psychotic breaks but in hindsight increased drug use at the time seems like a more likely reason for that. I quit a LOT of things when I became scared for my life and almost caused the death of a friend.
I figured the MDMA is probably to thank/blame but I've also gone without a manic episode for over a year so I have no clue what I'm unleashing by staying off lithium and fucking with my brain chemistry in so many ways at once. I know you can never be sure but this really doesn't feel like mania/hypomania. There's no extra energy or the regular drive for constant action. Did I really think for a year life is supposed to be like that? There's NO joy in it after it becomes routine. None. You get up, take your pills/lines, smoke a bowl and spend the next 12h alone in front of the computer growing cancer and drinking coffee, perfectly content with achieving nothing. I've done that my whole life and I'm sick of it. Something always brings me back to detachment but life can be lived in the meantime.
I will smack the next guy irl who tells me he's gonna fix his motivation problems with opioids.
If there are any lithium eating bipolars here, does it numb you emotionally and how do you integrate your bipo with drug use (or vice versa)?
But now for the last week weird stuff has been happening. First thing I noticed was that I hadn't taken practically any bupre all week which shouldn't happen without cravings after several years of doing it. It's kind of surprising to have to run to the toilet for the first time in ages. I'm seriously considering quitting it as I'm down to one 0.4mg pill every 2 days or so to make sleeping easier and my doctor is on vacation when my script runs out. Just 2 months ago I blasted through my 2 month supply in a week after just a short time without lithium (very weird intense despair), luckily the doctor never wants to leave me suffering w/d so he gave more. I can't remember why I thought it's worth it anymore. After a fun start it eventually kills the little enjoyment you have left.
Then there are these emotional states that go from 0 to 100 in an instant. This started a while back but got intense just now. I've been killing the recover-e time with movies and music which both trigger them, half the time laughing just because I feel so good until water is streaming down my face and going to tears in beautiful moments. Depressing stuff can hit just as fast like the fact I have to start building a temporary social life from scratch once again but somehow that just doesn't stick anymore. It lasts a few minutes and I'm back to smiling.
Anyone else ever got this? What is happening? MDMA effects or normality returning? I used to think I don't mind eating the lithium but is this just what stuff really feels like and I didn't notice the diminished experience before? I don't know anyone else who is on the stuff so there's nobody to talk to and compare notes with. I never noticed any effect going on lithium but then I was always on the downhill after a manic episode when I started. The manias never used to bother me that much until they escalated into psychotic breaks but in hindsight increased drug use at the time seems like a more likely reason for that. I quit a LOT of things when I became scared for my life and almost caused the death of a friend.
I figured the MDMA is probably to thank/blame but I've also gone without a manic episode for over a year so I have no clue what I'm unleashing by staying off lithium and fucking with my brain chemistry in so many ways at once. I know you can never be sure but this really doesn't feel like mania/hypomania. There's no extra energy or the regular drive for constant action. Did I really think for a year life is supposed to be like that? There's NO joy in it after it becomes routine. None. You get up, take your pills/lines, smoke a bowl and spend the next 12h alone in front of the computer growing cancer and drinking coffee, perfectly content with achieving nothing. I've done that my whole life and I'm sick of it. Something always brings me back to detachment but life can be lived in the meantime.
I will smack the next guy irl who tells me he's gonna fix his motivation problems with opioids.
If there are any lithium eating bipolars here, does it numb you emotionally and how do you integrate your bipo with drug use (or vice versa)?
