I'm completelty conflicted and in two minds about the whole thing. I have been taking various opis for about 2 or 3 years. I go through cycles of bingeing on a new substance, get all i can out of it, until it starts 'turning on me' to the point that i need it to feel normal, or when my tolerance starts getting riducoulous, and i feel bad even tanked up with opis. I then go through weeks or months of tapering down and off. These last 2 times ive got off subutex, first time i relapsed back onto it within a week, second time i relpased onto kratom within a week. Ive now been using kratom for about 10 days. It makes by day life feel so much better.
I'm sort of wondering whether i should just admit defeat, and say 'sod it, im an addict, i have no intention of stopping; i like opis and im going to continue taking them', or whether i should continue repeating the cycles i have been through with several different opis over the last 2 or 3 years. I go through all the hard work of tapering down and off, and get through the physical withdrawals, but then at the end havent been able to hold out for much more than a week, and want nothing more than to start the whole cycle off all over again.
Ive been drawing up lists of the pros and cons of using, the list of cons is much longer. Day by day life is so much easier on than off though. I guess it will take several days to weeks or even months to re-adjust. And then once i am sober, if i do achieve it, will it be even worth it ? I'll never again experience the intense flying highs of opis, I wont be able to allow myself monthly treats or something, its most likely I wont have the discipline for that. What will it be like to try to live a normal life again ?
Do i need to hit rock bottom before i decide to quit ? Sell off all my possessions etc in order to pay for opis ? Spend years lost to the habit ? Be a useless non contributing member of society, be unable to support my family and do right be them in their times of need ? Is it better to live a straight and normal life ? I dont feel ashamed of my habit, allthough due to the attitudes of 'society' i have to keep quiet about it. I would feel a sense of achievment if i did manage to quit, but cant see any more advantage than that.
Im so confused, I dont even know if i want on or off. I was hoping just making this post might clear things up and answer my own question. I guess at the end of my life if ive spend the whole of it just idling it away taking opis, im not going to feel overly great about myself.
Has anyone else felt like this ? What did you decide ? How did you decide ? Were you able to see through your decision and was it worth it ?
