is it still possible to feel good?

[†∆†]

Hey guys, I've posted on TDS with a similar question/situation before, and everyone has been great and given me some good suggestions, which I'm very thankful for. This post, albeit in the same vein as my previous ones, I think deserves it's own thread.

Basically, I've been climbing the stimulant ladder for the past two or so years (started on ADHD meds, you know the deal,) and eventually started doing several grams of coke per week just to feel like I care about ANYTHING. I'm TERRIFIED that, at just 16 years old, I've felt as good as I'll ever feel, and that without these drugs I'll never feel any motivation again, terrified that I won't be able to deal with life that feels dulled out by sobriety...

I can't believe I've fucked myself over so early in life

 

[Legerity]

Yes it's possible to feel good. But to feel good we also have to feel not-good.

Maybe at this moment the only time you feel good is when you are high, but don't think you have permanently fucked yourself up and will never be able to find enjoyment with drugs.

I'm finding the more I let myself experience the "negative" feelings that I normally avoid, the more "positive" feelings I'm able to experience as well.

Easier said than done I suppose. But I would just say not to believe in the false dream of feeling bubbly and happy all the time, just be able to feel whatever you are feeling at that moment

 

[†∆†]

I starting doing drugs because I can't handle the "negative" feelings that you refer to, and ran away. I think you're definitely right about having to experience them to also experience positive feelings, though, maybe if I can somehow address that things would sort themselves out. This is a monumental task though

 

[NoPromiseMade]

I'm finding the more I let myself experience the "negative" feelings that I normally avoid, the more "positive" feelings I'm able to experience as well.

This^. I was once there in my teen years, they arent far behind either. You have experienced the best you will feel with chemicals. Congrats, homeless people can do that. Try going for the best you can feel without chemicals.

The benefits are... relaxing...

 

[†∆†]

what frightens me is the fact that the best I will feel without them may pale in comparison to the way that I have felt with two fat lines up my nose.

 

[CharlesTheHammer]

The fun wont last!

Cocaine might feel good for you now at 16, but once you build a big cocaine tolerance, and you start smoking or injecting it, all those good times will quickly go away! Even if you continue snorting it, you will definitely need more to do the job after a while, and Ive seen people snort a 1/4 oz of really good coke in less than 24 hours! Thats a lot of money, even if you get a good price on it! And that person wasnt enjoying it very much at the time either, he was doing it just to keep himself from coming down!

SWIM had a similar problem with opiates, and thought that without them, life would suck.... But after a while, things got MUCH better, and SWIM can definitely say that he feels better today than he did 8-12 years ago!

 

[†∆†]

honestly, the "fun" doesn't exist anymore now. what I was saying is that real life feels very dulled down, very cold, and scary.

 

[footscrazy]

I think about this a lot. I've been using methamphetamine since I was 16, and my tolerance is now sky high, fucked, to the point that I just don't get 'high' off it anymore. (I still get intoxicated, but the pleasurable feelings are sadly elusive... ) It doesn't give me a rush anymore and I think, if even pure methamphetamine doesn't get me high, how will anything natural even begin to compare.

Drugs do change your brain and they definitely can impair with your ability to feel pleasure from everyday life. But, I do believe that the brain is very adaptable and that things will go back to normal, if given long enough. Or, in the same way, things can become much better than they used to be when you were sober, because you can change your brain for the better by doing the right things. I find stimulants very diffcult to get away from though, because of the exact thing you're talking about. It can take months/years and experiencing anhedonia for that long isn't fun. Also, a drug high will make you higher than you can ever feel off normal life. But that's ok. I've felt like it's been necessary for me to accept that during the periods I've gone straight. You might not experience that intensity but you can experience a different kind of pleasure - a long lasting, real pleasure that comes from achievement. That doesn't run out at the end of the baggie.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

what frightens me is the fact that the best I will feel without them may pale in comparison to the way that I have felt with two fat lines up my nose.

Don't worry about that because it's not true.

There really are greater things in life than being high.

 

[MeddieFrac]

Stroke patients who are COMPLETELY PARALYZED can re-learn how to move and talk and sometimes have a COMPLETE RECOVERY if they and their care-takers put in the effort, so I'm sure that your brain can heal itself with time!

 

[Asclepius]

honestly, the "fun" doesn't exist anymore now. what I was saying is that real life feels very dulled down, very cold, and scary.

I have had the exact same feelings as this, and sometimes still do but they do pass and give way. Think TAT that the problem is that we wire our brain chemistry with drugs and organically changing this is very painfull, but if it weren't, we would never learn that we have to earn our peace of mind by being patient and kind to ourselves through the dark times.
I find that the calm always comes after the storm, after that realisation that, things are shit because there different, we are now feeling what frightens us. But like any fear it is an illusion; all intimidating because it is an area we have never faced. When you face these things arming yourself with alot of self love, and acceptance for your vulnerability it will actually make you emotionally stronger. We either make a choice to open up our mind to whats new and seemingly scary but which will galvanise our spirit or we crave and stay stuck in whats familiar and which comes with a huge conditional 'price' tag(ie stims etc).
Keep posting here pet, you never have to stop, Bl is here for you to work things out. keep getting the questions out so you can keep moving on in your life, this helps all of us because your not alone in this struggle!
You will find new fun, but you will become wiser, sounds like you already are!

 

[MeddieFrac]

Hey OP, do you play any instruments? That can be quite therapeutic!

 

[†∆†]

sorry for being a n00b, (ha,) but what does OP actually stand for? I play guitar.

thanks for the encouragement guys, it's nice to hear that people have been able to still feel
good after drugs

 

[*=Regulator=*]

Dude, one thing you should definitely try to do is get off the coke. At 16, going through a few grams a week is really setting yourself up to get into major shit and potentially fuck up your future (sorry for the 'parent' routine but it's true).

I think a very smart thing for you to do is see a psychiatrist. As much as people think mental disorders like depression, anxiety, ADHD etc. are massively over-diagnosed, there are people who legitimately suffer from these conditions and really need help. I'm one of these people and there are plenty more that post in The Dark Side. If you have one of these disorders, it fucking sucks but it can be treated very effectively. Going through a decent amount of coke on a weekly basis is not going to treat any underlying conditions.

Oh, and "OP" stands for "Original Poster", as in you are the original poster in this thread.

 

[CharlesTheHammer]

It'll get better

honestly, the "fun" doesn't exist anymore now. what I was saying is that real life feels very dulled down, very cold, and scary.

I felt the same way when I was thinking of quitting opiates, then after quitting opiates, I immediately started using coke on and off(mostly on!) for 2 1/2 years, usually every day! So I thought "straight life" sucked, and would continue sucking, but after a while, things got better........

But most importantly, without going into scientific detail(as if Im a scientist! hah!) When you use coke, your brain is flooded with huge amounts of natural 'feel good' chemicals(serotonin and dopamine), which is why it makes you feel so good. The same happens with ecstasy. But when you come down from those drugs, your brain is burnt out from producing all that extra chemical, and now it cant produce enough, so you feel depressed. Several doctors told me that long term coke or X usage can permanently impair your brain's ability to produce those feel good chemicals, so you can feel permanently depressed if you do it for too long.

So, its not worth it!

 

[Depressicaa]

You wanna go back in time and do the childhood stuff that you never got to do? When fun was easy, and now it is so hard to deal with everything?

Thats how I felt. Does it change? Well it depends what you do with you life. People always do something and therefore they go towards a certain direction. If you do things to improve your situation, then it will get much better, if you put no effort into it you don't get anywhere. For me, I was depressed so I took Adderall to do my work, and do stuff I would not have normally done. It saved me, but your situation isn't the same as mines.

Adderall isn't the only option though, and its not the only thing I did. If you have passion, you get through so much stuff for your 'vision.' I worked hard, I also worked, went to school, and tried to be social.

Read a book called 'Feeling Good' its fantastic. In short you are depressed because you want to make yourself miserable, subconsciously, such as watching Africans die on TV, and then feeling miserable for the rest of the day. Its not your fault, you shouldn't be sad, but if you are sad then you are going to have a tough time living with everyone's problem as your own.

 

[†∆†]

i had a prescription for adderall, switched to dexedrine now. i take a bunch of other psychiatric medication for bipolar, none of which address the core problem...

i think you're getting at something with the childhood thing. i am always thinking that i've missed out on an innocence that other people have had due to my mental disorders and the situation i was in growing up, and i wonder if this may be contributing to the fact that the progression of my life seems to be extremely fucked up

 

[Depressicaa]

I don't call it innocence. It was imagination, it was fantasy, something I never had. Did Santa ever exist for me, did I enjoy games, did I like being whisked away into another world? No I didn't enjoy it, I know that my real life sucks and I didn't think of those as real experiences. Fun is fun, but I was isolated, damaged mentally and never learned to be social. You want that fantasy, that falseness, that spark that isn't real but is so beautiful. You want to redo your past, you want to travel back in time, show yourself an alternate reality where you did things right.

But again the fantasy ends. You can only move ahead, and that sludge that you accumulated isn't going away on its own. You need to relearn things that your childhood was missing.

 

[motiv311]

Yes it's possible to feel good. But to feel good we also have to feel not-good.

Maybe at this moment the only time you feel good is when you are high, but don't think you have permanently fucked yourself up and will never be able to find enjoyment with drugs.

I'm finding the more I let myself experience the "negative" feelings that I normally avoid, the more "positive" feelings I'm able to experience as well.

Easier said than done I suppose. But I would just say not to believe in the false dream of feeling bubbly and happy all the time, just be able to feel whatever you are feeling at that moment

^^ this guy pretty much nailed it.

Whatever goes up must come back down again...... Life is not meant to be joyous and euphoric all the time. I would be happy with life merely being "comfortable" - is a good goal to shoot towards. You can build yourself back up from this "low" by letting your system be. Let yourself recover; and get back to a balance... you will have plenty of time to do more drugs and get more highs in life; or you can quit now while your young and still smart and save yourself the heartache.

 

[Missykins]

Wow, that's a lot of drugs for anyone, let alone a sixteen-year-old.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to minimize your situation. But you're just sixteen. You really haven't had enough time on this Earth to accumulate enough experience where you can say that you don't expect happiness. How do you even know what it is when you're high most of the time? You have to give life a chance.

Drugs put the zap on the pleasure centers of your brain, leading you to believe that nothing will feel as good as drugs. Not true. I felt that way in the beginning after I stopped using, but over time, those feelings went away, replaced by true pleasure that comes from being with nature, with others, and working hard. I still think about the rush drugs gave me in the beginning, but very infrequently, and that rush will never substitute for real happiness. My worst days sober will never be as bad as my best days using.