Is it sometimes better to be friend zoned?

[Vaportrails]

I was contemplating this after noticing a couple colleagues who are extremely popular with the ladies at work. Now when i say popular, I mean that they are totally and completely friend zoned.. hard. Girls ask them to go out to clubs with them and hang out and have drinks, but I seem to be left out. It seems like their non-threatening disposition generates open smiles, hugs and friendly affection from women - things that I really miss from the many girl/friends I had growing up.

To give this some background, I'm 32 and I have a fuck buddy, so I'm not needy or sex-crazed or anything. Over the years I have made a point to stay away from being placed on the friend ladder, because in a prior life, I felt that I was being emasculated due to my personality. Since then, I've made a concerted effort to be more independent, do my own thing and have developed a sort of aloof confidence and I try to stick by that. I'm not really into openly masculine sexual displays or false aggression, so I stick with what I can pull off. However, now it's almost like I have the complete opposite problem. Women are neither open and friendly, neither do they seem to be sexually interested. My fuck buddy tells me I'm attractive, but I find it hard to believe because it seems when I'm around a girl I think is pretty, it's like she tries to out-aloof me, like it's a competition to see who can act more stuck up. Look, I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm trying to simply give the impression that I'm a valid sexual candidate. Put out the olive branch and I'll melt like butter. I'm just looking for a positive cue and maybe a bit of help with the escalation.

This whole thing is really getting me down, because I know that deep down I'm a super friendly and really affectionate guy who is looking for a deep, meaningful relationship with an attractive, young chick, but I seem stuck between a rock and a hard place. Even when I manipulate the things I feel are in my control (how I act) I seem to have poor results. I know that if I were to just lay it out on the table, I'd be no better than where I started; a dorky, lovable but ultimately unfuckable guy.

This got me wondering if maybe I had it right all along. Maybe it is better to be in the friend zone. Heck, a cuddle now and again has to be better than nothing.

 

[Effuzion]

No, it's not better to be in the friend zone. The whole idea behind the friend zone is that you want to have sex with a girl, but she does not see you that way and you're too much of a pussy to move on. There's nothing worse than having to hide your feelings for someone every time you're around that person.

What you need to do is learn how to initiate contact with girls. It sounds like you're just not talking to them because you don't know what to say. I'm no expert at this (otherwise I'd be having sex, not typing on an Internet forum), but in my limited experience you need to be friendly towards girls. Then once you get a conversation going, let them know you're interested. They might turn you down, but then you're in the same position you are now, so you haven't lost anything by trying.

 

[Vaportrails]

What about work colleagues? Can I let them know I'm interested? Wouldn't the rejection be awkward?

 

[Max Power]

I was contemplating this after noticing a couple colleagues who are extremely popular with the ladies at work. Now when i say popular, I mean that they are totally and completely friend zoned.. hard. Girls ask them to go out to clubs with them and hang out and have drinks, but I seem to be left out. It seems like their non-threatening disposition generates open smiles, hugs and friendly affection from women - things that I really miss from the many girl/friends I had growing up.

It doesn't sound like they're in the friendzone to me. In fact, it's precisely because they come off as desire-less and 'not trying' that they are succeeding.

Since then, I've made a concerted effort to be more independent, do my own thing and have developed a sort of aloof confidence and I try to stick by that.

Good, keep it up. Seriously. That's exactly what you need to do.

I'm not really into openly masculine sexual displays or false aggression, so I stick with what I can pull off.

Practice makes perfect. Try it out until you get there. Fake it til you make it, as they say. It's the only way.

Put out the olive branch and I'll melt like butter. I'm just looking for a positive cue and maybe a bit of help with the escalation.

Buddy, if you're waiting for the girl to make the opening move you're going to be waiting for a loooong time.

deep down I'm a super friendly and really affectionate guy who is looking for a deep, meaningful relationship with an attractive, young chick, but I seem stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You should be happy alone. You shouldn't feel like you need a woman in your life to feel content.

Even when I manipulate the things I feel are in my control (how I act) I seem to have poor results. I know that if I were to just lay it out on the table, I'd be no better than where I started; a dorky, lovable but ultimately unfuckable guy.

You need to change your attitude. Gain some confidence, which goes back to what you mentioned before in being independent and doing your own thing. Improving yourself. Have something to offer. If you feel you're having poor results with the attitude you have now then change it. You have to take the lead and man up.

This got me wondering if maybe I had it right all along. Maybe it is better to be in the friend zone. Heck, a cuddle now and again has to be better than nothing.

No. Eventually you'll want more but you won't be able to get any. "I'm sorry Vaportrails, but I don't see you that way. We're great friends but I just want to talk to you about my feelings & emotions. I'm gonna be spending the night at Chad's tonight but after he busts on my face I'll be more than happy to come over and cuddle! We can talk about what a jerk he is."

What about work colleagues? Can I let them know I'm interested? Wouldn't the rejection be awkward?

I'd advise against doing this at work as you can get a negative reputation of the guy who is trying to pick up all the girls. But if you're really crazy about a girl (I mean really crazy) go for it.

 

[Noodle]

yes

 

[Effuzion]

What about work colleagues? Can I let them know I'm interested? Wouldn't the rejection be awkward?

What? You don't talk to them anyway, how could it get any more awkward?

 

[Lysis]

What about work colleagues? Can I let them know I'm interested? Wouldn't the rejection be awkward?

You have to take it delicately. Work situations you have to flirt and see how they react, but the trick is to flirt without getting reported to HR, so you have to feel them out. You don't want to make strong moves and get fired for something you said or did.

As for being friendzoned? No lol you don't want to get friendzoned in the sense you are thinking. You can make friends with women and have it turn out into something, but the very meaning of the word friendzoned means the girl doesn't have any attraction to you whatsoever and it will never ever happen. I have had friends like that, and for me, they never would have gotten anywhere with me even if I was drunk lol

You don't have to be outwardly masculine or show masculine displays. You just need to be friendly, talk to women, and feel them out. We women know very quickly if we are into you.

 

[killerd]

Arguably being in the 'friend zone' more often in your life helps balance out the 'independant' image and would put you in a natural mindset for then building up relationships when you want to, and I don't think it's a bad thing for girls to see you as a guy who's capable of being a friend without being needful of more - a side you seem to have but not show maybe?
In the workplace it's as far as I'd ever want to go, round our way it's pretty normal for people and seems to work out good for them but the problems tend to start when they try going further.

 

[bronson]

It all depends on intention. Just friends is fine, if and only if that's what you actually want out of it. Otherwise once you're in that zone it's not an easy place to come back from. Part of your post does read like you just want attention in a friendly and not sexual way, so in that case it would be fine.

If you're looking for more though, you need to be direct from the start. And yes, that does often mean that after someone knows you like them in that way and they don't feel the same things get awkward. As mentioned above do not make an attempt to try too hard, acting desperate almost always leads no where.