At times I would love to believe in a meaningless world, perhaps that would take some of the pain away; the truth is though that meaninglessness would free me from the church I was raised in, but it ultimately tortured me more...
I don't necessarily believe in meaning as defined by something beyond ourselves, but I believe that meaning is as real as it is individual and as necessary as it is hard to accept. In a world that was truly meaningless I'd kill myself right now and it would be over, I'd be free from the pain of existence and thank the god I have a hard time believing in or denying....
I feel the world spinning faster and faster, do you? I see knowledge growing and corrupting and confusing and ruining; science was my god until meaning became more important. I do feel that with every year humanity needs meaning more as science chokes us out. Science is perhaps more important than anything else we study as humans, look at cancer treatment becoming more and more effective. This all being said we need meaning more than science, I hope when I do die that I am at peace and have been loved a bunch.
Idk I always get lost trying to communicate the significance of what I've been feeling recently as any description seems to be unable to truly do justice to the feeling itself....
I remember I'd never felt how eerie the ways of the everyday world were and how my interactions with the world seemed to have purpose. That was in 2010, I was 19 years old. I read the book ''The Celestine Prophecy" and i truly thought there was something to the message in the book about how everything has meaning. Then my life was torn to pieces by a number of things both my doing and... but more so things that were definitively out of my control. Control is an illusion, in my opinion, but certain choices I made that contributed to my downward spiral felt as though I could have done something different but simply chased the dragon instead knowing I would never catch it but wanting to so so bad that the compulsion to chase that beautiful reptile bird mammal, lolz, was something I seemingly could not shake regardless of effort or method. Flash forward to the present and I've begun to feel that eerie sense of meaning in everything again; yes, I'm on my psychiatric meds (Depakote, Propranolol, Gabapentin, low low dose zoloft 75mg daily at 190lbs, cogentin, a few vitamins, fish oil, Vyvanse) as prescribed and I'm essentially sober (perhaps minus prescribed oxycontin 20 mg 2x daily, which I have tolerance to... I don't get high, but some would disqualify my daytime sobriety claim for that even though I have two pinched nerves and significant nerve damage and pain), and 3 to 4 beers most nights. So yeah, I'm not chemically/biologically off my rocker at least in my mind and no one around me is accusing me of mania right now; my parents point it out immediately if they think I'm becoming, or am already entirely, manic. So I feel the world spinning faster and faster than I've ever experienced in my life and the rate of change is so profound it's almost invisible. (Sometimes the elephant in the room is so large you're underneath it and it's legs are so far away you can't see them because the elephant is so vast in perimeter, and the ceiling is entirely gray because the elephant is so large you think it's underbelly is the ceiling/sky. It's like standing under a table so large you cannot tell what it is for lack of perspective in terms of ability to see something at such a distance it's entirety is visible. Like looking at a stadium from an airplane, you see what the whole thing looks like and even how it fits with the landscape and city in which it resides. But when you are inside the stadium you cannot see how it fits into the landscape of the city in which it resides and thus is my experience with the rate at which our world is changing. As we change with it we forget how much has changed in the past 3 years compared to how much change the world went through in the first 15 years of my life. I'd say more has changed in the past 5 years than in the first 20 years of my life and that is a significant acceleration towards a future that is hard to predict given how much will likely change at least in terms of technology, which ultimately seems to affect everything (more significantly than the simple way that all things past and present affect all things present and future, of this I'm certain). I feel that the sheeple (people of sheep like following nature) are so engrossed in there smartphones that Facebook/Apps become/s more real than the ground on which their driving/walking. That is their prerogative, but they are not aware of what is happening. It's amazing how 300 years ago, I'd bet good money that, the average person was probably more aware of the changes in their locale (in technology, political climate, literal climate, etc....) and now in the present I feel as though people have no idea what's happening or that anything significant is happening at all. Sure they hear the music, but definitely not the lyrics. They see the high definition television fiction, but the relevance of the plot line to our current global (cultural/political/spiritual) climate is lost on them. Our eyes are wide open and all we see is the eye candy or hear the ear candy; but that stuff is so artificial I don't understand how one wouldn't get sick consuming only that for years on end or even a lifetime. I was once addicted to the artificial consumables of our culture and to a degree I still enjoy consuming those things for dessert a couple nights a week, but I need organic reading material, organic tv series designed to show us something about our world that we would have never been able to see unless a brilliant script writer/director/author spoon feeds us a perspective we didn't know was possible to use. I need relationships with people, I need honest news (facts and stats) not the misdirection of CNN/Fox/MSNBC, I need conversation that is stimulating and full of skepticism regarding what we think we know about life and the world we've nearly squandered, I need to have some validation regarding my questioning of the world (am I insane or is there some legitimacy to some conspiracy, are we being fed massive lies everyday by those who are in power, am I justified in thinking that the world as we think we know it is soon to be no more in the sense that change of such a magnitude and gravity will shatter most people's reality, I need truth (as truthful and sure of anything that a person can be) about what is actually happening in world (how things are happening/changing, why are these changes being driven by the powers that be or what changes are taking place that the powers that be are desperately trying to get ahold of, yet cannot, I want to know approximately when specific significant changes are likely to begin taking place and what impact they'll have on human daily life or on lifespan, I want to know where things will happen (location makes the difference between possibility to succeed and definitive failure of the same exercise/project/attempt at succeeding in an action to complete a goal that is less of a project in nature for lack mental capacity to recall this specific piece of terminology), I feel it because I chose to be aware instead of drowning out (with chemicals, media designed to be addictive, smartphones, Facebook, the lies we are fed by the powers that be, all this bullshit designed to take us away from the truth) my one chance to experience life in a meaningful way; distractions are not all bad by any means, but certain types of distractions or too many or constant distractions will suck the meaning out of life. I do not believe that meaning is necessarily "real", it may simply be an abstract concept... but for me developing ways to derive as much meaning as possible from life makes my life worth living sometimes when being aware of the world is too painful to sit with, without risking feeling like I don't want to be anymore or wishing I'd never come into existence at all. It's hard to have a clearer perspective of the world derived from being an analytical mind that happens to have been blessed with significant intelligence. It's lonely in pursuit of the truth, and the truth isn't fun, but in order for me to be able to feel the world breathe and sense the purpose and meaning of that which happens, metaphorically speaking primarily, I have to be aware of and able to accept the truth. I don't know if I've made a ton of sense to other people, it seems as though I may have rambled despite definitively communicating what I wanted to over the course of this post of significant magnitude.
I feel it though, things are happening, I don't know what it all means by any stretch, but changes will continue to happen faster and faster unless something of unparalleled magnitude changes life on earth to such a degree that we have to revert back to simpler ways of life due to elimination of technology or ability to use current and future technologies , requiring development of alternate unknown technological mechanisms of efficacy to accomplish these things we take for granted every day; electricity for one, radio waves, nanotech, nuclear tech, etc... It is likely to happen one day, but I don't think we are quite at the point where I'm ready to be declaring world war 3 is coming very soon/now and we ought to prepare for the worst and move to areas that have extraordinarily low population density and enough natural resources to live of the land; not there yet, but it could happen in our lifetimes or much sooner. This being said I fear dystopia is already becoming a thing. The news is bullshit, real issues get shoved under the bus, the internet is on it's way to being locked up to a certain degree, television is intended to be an opiate for the masses along with smartphones and video games, everyone with a smartphone or smart tv or computer can be monitored and is likely being monitored not as in another human is assigned to watch every humans activity but activity is being monitored analyzed and stored by intelligent computer programs. The future is here, but we are not privy to it in many ways per se.
I do not trust those who lead in this world. I do not trust our government in the United States. I don't trust the UN at fucking all. Perhaps the only people I really feel as though I can trust are grey hat computer hackers that do what they do for service to the citizens of the world; in terms of releasing honest information that was meant to be classified especially regarding social engineering and population control mechanics; yeah... governments have always done these things however it is less clear exactly to what degree population control is going on and what cultural elements have actually been mainstreamed for the purpose of population control rather than come to be the way of our world due to the desires of the population. Is TV desired by the people or is it a way to keep people distracted and lazy in terms of activism and pressuring the government to be what we the people want them to be. Look at our presidential candidates and tell me we have a good choice
- at the least the main two, Johnson ain't bad but he can't win so fuck. Is pop music a construct of distraction and telling people how to think and approach life, telling people what is cool as opposed to being true art as artists comment on existence and the world around them. I believe many popular music artist and authors and tv writers are honestly entertaining us and helping themselves through the process of creation, but I have no doubt some of the entertainment is both designed to be addictive and government encouraged to develop a culture that is not focused on revolution or positive change but instead is designed to encourage the population into lazily consuming or partying or seeking out lots of casual sex because that's cool right? It definitely takes up time and energy and is very distracting in the sense people get relief from reality for a minute. I mean alcohol is still legal despite soooooo many problems because that keeps a population sedate. Pharmaceuticals are consumed by the ton and they seem to keep the population a little dopey and unconcerned about the status quo of our nation. hmmmm.... yeah..... I'm not entirely convinced of the things I'm writing, because no one really knows anything about anything, however there seems to be evidence supporting such ideas of how to keep a population sedated and the USA would happen to do a very effective job of such if the theories turned out to be actual methodology. I mean I have ideas about how I'd manage a restless discontented population if I had to. There are many effective ways to do such a thing and to be fair in the United States we consume in a way that eats our time and concentration on that which is happening at home and abroad. Binge TV, Pharmaceuticals, Police & Military, NSA FBI CIA, Drugs Drugs Drug problems galore aided by a failed war on drugs that tends to create more addiction/thus deaths/significant distraction and an unprotected border through which the chemicals flow like a river running up a mountain. Failed public school system that teaches data/facts/formulas/history that is questionable in my opinion; we do not teach how to think independently/or high level problem solving skills. (I went to one of the finer private high schools in the USA and we were taught how to think critically and independently and especially how to use questions to broaden our perspectives; the public schools ought be teaching how to think not just facts, because that is how to create a more productive and intelligent nation... yet we seem uninterested in a curriculum overhaul.
I'll shut up, I hope my beliefs didn't offend too many people or anyone at all. This is how awareness has shaped me and I don't expect my opinions to resonate with everyone or necessarily anyone. But it all ties back to my feelings/sensations of eerie changes and an unbelievable rate of change perhaps unprecedented in comparison to any other point in the history of the world which would make sense because we are using tech to progress tech and we don't need simply one brilliant mind such as Einstein or Aristotle to drive massive change by scientific or mathematical discoveries that require the luck of having one super genius with enough cultural influence to drive change on there own. So yeah, thanks for reading if you were interested, I've loved reading this thread and I'm thankful that I had time today to participate.
