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involuntary celibacy

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knid

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Involuntary celibacy is the absence in human sexuality of intimate relationships or sexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy, asexuality, antisexualism, or sexual abstinence. The term (which is sometimes shortened to incel) describes those who, despite being open to sexual intimacy and potential romance with someone and also making active, repeated efforts towards such an end, cannot cause any such end(s) to occur with any significant degree of regularity—or even at all.
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story of my life. :/

it's been three years now with no sex (not even oral).

any helpful thoughts/words of wisdom would be appreciated here.

last year's fail

i finally got a girlfriend at the start of last year. it was her first relationship with a man (she's bisexual). beautiful girl with some serious emotional difficulties; diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, regularly attending therapy. i myself have a diagnosis of bipolar so neither of us are the most stable people. she told me really early on that us having sex would be her first time with consent with a man (go figure).

she worked full time and would come to mine most days after work and hang out. we started doing ketamine early on (we both had fairly limited experience with the drug). very quickly we went from doing small bumps to full on lines and it got to the point where we were doing several grams every week. it became the focal point of our interactions; picking up k and getting messy in my flat all evening.

all the drug use left little room for anything else, including intimacy. 9 months later she'd got help with coming off the drug and dumped me saying she thought we were bad for each other. not once did we even sleep in the same bed together in all that time.

two weeks later, she called me up to tell me that she'd been out in town and had 'shagged' a girl she met in a bar. this left me feeling both surprised and hurt.

i found the heartbreak really hard to deal with and sank into a deep depression which i am only now gradually starting to come out of. months have past now and the sex part still plays on my mind everyday. i had a chance (well many chances) to fulfill my desire but screwed it up. i can't blame it all on the drugs, i was too shy/scared to ever make a move. i would say i suffer with social anxiety/awkwardness to a moderate degree.

i'm 25 and i've probably had sex about 10 times total. how hard can it be?

/vent
 
^ It sounds like your ex was probably a lesbian and was more of a drug buddy than a sexual partner to you. I understand if a girl wants to take it slow, but 9 months without even giving you (her first "boyfriend") oral sex makes me really wonder.....
 
I agree with the above poster..I bet she was a lesbian too. But I can relate totally to your situation!! I was in a realtionship about 9 years ago,and it was actually the person who first introduced me to opiates in the first place. This person was hooked on oxy and at first everything was fine.BUT we never had sex,first it was this excuse or that excuse,but in the mean time being with a person that won't have sex with you or at least this happened to me...but I started to feel emasculated and did not want to have sex with them after a while because I felt so bad about myself and they were such a drug addict it just complicated everything!!!! we broke up but stayed friends and they are currecntly in rehab for 1 year....but dude I know how you feel and it's not a good feeling but try not to let it botheryou....it had nothing to do with you it was whith THEM!!!
 
i've become worryingly obsessed with this matter. i hate myself for not making a move. i hate myself and frequently think of ending it just because i didn't have sex with this girl.

it's so so excruciatingly frustrating. how clueless must i have been? it doesn't add up.

i always thought it was gonna happen but it never did and here i am over a year after she broke up with me in pieces still dwelling on this seemingly trivial matter. except it's not trivial - the deep deep regret plagues me everyday. it's unbearable.

there i was in my naivety thinking she was frigid when in fact she was just shy. it's so brutal, especially as this drought has now gone on for over three years. i go two years without then a really pretty girl comes along who becomes my girlfriend and i still don't seal the deal despite her clearly being interested. wtf?

maybe i'm being too hard on myself and if it didn't happen it didn't happen. i mean, is it always up to the man to make the first move to initiate sex? or yes maybe (and hopefully) she is in fact a lesbian. it shouldn't matter this much yet i'm letting completely eat away at my well being. argh.
 
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bro stop wasting your time thinking about this girl. whatever's happened has happened, you can't change it, end of.

she had BPD and was bisexual, so she's probably sprung a whole load of mind games on you that's left you questioning yourself. this may sound callous or whatever, but you don't want a relationship with someone who isn't stable mentally. it's not going to be good for you. there are loads of stable girls to go for.

you've said you have bipolar disorder, are you currently being maintained or what? making sure that your head's straight, and talking thru your anxiety might help.

you're framing this all really negatively, "last years fail" "involuntary celibacy" etc, when it is a pretty normal example of becoming mature. you're 25, you've had sex at least once, many people don't have sex ever. you're going to experience relationships failing way harder than this one did, you're going to have heartbreak that makes this looks like a cup of tea. that doesn't make them fails, that makes them normal parts of the human experience of being alive.

part of your definition says "making active, repeated efforts towards such an end" and it doesn't sound like you've been doing that. it sounds like you've been ruminating over what a failure you think you are, and just getting depressed. fuck that shit. when was the last time you asked a girl on a date?
 
Agree with the above... you're not really taking action, just brooding and dwelling.

Work on yourself and put yourself out in the world, and you'll attract sexual partners. Build it and they will come :P
 
If I were you I would get out and meet new people, even if they become friends of yours. Focusing on your ex or obsessing over them is never good. I have been there before and it doesn't do any good.
 
Like attracts like. If you're not attracting potential mates then maybe you're just not attractive. Work on yourself.
 
you can try being a bit more aggressive as well. You can't just sit back and hope for things to happen, you have to make them happen (not advocating rape here). If you're really getting down about this i would seriously just go to a prostitute to get you back on your feet, no sense in hating yourself over this.
 
thank you for the replies. this will be my last.

people are saying work on myself? how can i? i'm so fucked up. life's so shit. it's so boring and pointless. wake up, browse the internet all day, scrape around for food/wait for next welfare payment. dwell on aforementioned issue the whole time. another week, month, year goes by.

fuckinghell it's seems so trivial yet it's not. maybe it's because she was so cute. the whole time we were going out i really wanted to fuck her. i just thought it would happen. it doesn't make sense. i mean isn't that what people in relationships do?

it's pretty strange from her point of view too surely? unless she really is a lesbian.

you say there are plenty of stable girls. what stable girl would want to be with someone as messed up and stable as i.

this is such a headfuck. i feel 25 is too early to bail out yet it's so tempting to jump off a bridge and end this pitiful existence. i'm too much of a pussy for that though.

no i'm not being maintained although i wish i was. you don't have to think about reality as much in those bubbles while they dose you the fuck up.

there's nothing i like to do, there's nothing i'm interested in. no hobbies bar music. nothing. barey any friends, barely any social skills. i've been unemployed for five years now. i just get by, whiling away my so-called precious time on this fucked up planet waiting for the days to end so i can sleep again wondering how the fuck things could ever change if at all. arrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
 
I don't mean to be blunt, but because you believe what you tell yourself you will subconsciously project that out towards people.

It took me a long time to really understand this, it actually astonished me that when I was seeing a girl I was naturally very jovial and happy around people.. and this was noticed.. more girls flirted with me in that period then ever before in my life.. one of them even straight up asked to have sex. Of course this only happened when I was actually with someone.. go figure.

It sounds cliche to say 'work on yourself' but it's true, it's not easy I know.. especially with all the hurdles in life.. it's very easy to feel overwhelmed and sink into depression; I do this all too often.

I'm currently dealing with missing someone who I ended up becoming extremely close to over a couple of months, we had sex, long make out sessions, dinner and drinks; it was never serious and we both knew this but I developed strong feelings whereas she remained more detached.. it was more intense for me I think because she was a local in a foreign country and it was always a dream of mine to fall in love overseas, I'm a hopeless romantic.

But this has hit me hard, and because I'm traveling alone.. my mind is constantly caught up on her.. and it's so evident to people around me that I'm projecting a depressed, sad, withdrawn self-image. I know this, but sometimes it's very difficult to rationalize your way out of intense emotions like heartache.

In the end it all begins with you, and sometimes that's the hardest part to realize; because it seems like everything is working against you..

Hope you feel better, I sympathize.
 
^ great comment and I can so relate to everything you've said - particularly the strong feelings with her remaining detached, I always get that, so just been through it again myself and not out the other side yet, don't think it ever gets any easier
 
Although it's never happened to me, a friend of mine is a lesbian and went out with a couple guys a few years ago, before she realized it. The second one she left for a girl - I knew him as well at the time and he seemed to have been left with pretty much the same sort of feelings as you. Confused, hurt...it's normal. It's also normal for your self-confidence to be down a lot after a break-up, especally considering the situation.
Give yourself some time to heal but after that, if you want to get back in the game/ just have sex, unfortunately the only answer is simply to put yourself out there. Social anxiety is difficut to deal with but something I've learned from experience is that if you just force yourself to interact even through the anxiety, it really will get easier. Trust yourself :)
 
Yes totally agree, when my marriage crashed and burned and our assets were split, I put myself out there, I went out and booked a $3000 per night escort - best I could find, my self confidence soared, anxiety went straight out the window and best of all I learned a whole heap of new skills for the future :D Then I could focus on dating without the stress of wondering how I'd perform after a period of enforced celibacy.
 
knid said:
the whole time we were going out i really wanted to fuck her. i just thought it would happen. it doesn't make sense. i mean isn't that what people in relationships do?
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I don't agree it 'doesn't make sense' that you guys didn't fuck when despite you really wanting to, it doesn't appear you tried very hard to make it happen. Most good things don't come to the person who sits there passively wanting it - people create good things in their lives by setting goals then doing what they can to make them happen.
 
knid said:
how clueless must i have been?
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i been there on the other side as a gay man fancying straight guys. waste of time

also- ketamine=fantasy land. therefore easy to delude yourself if you spent most of your time together mashed on k

go for girls who fancy men
 
Alot of the time I'm indifferent about sex. I've gone years without it, and I'm a healthy 23/yo male, hormones and all

If I'm in a relationship that's a little different, obv I'm with that person bc I have feelings for them and for me part of expressing those feelings is "making love" as some would put it

I'll think about sex probly as often as anyone else, but for me it's most enjoyable with someone I'm close with whom I actually care about. I dnt like sex early in the relationship, I've found it to complicate things. Got some skills tho ;)
 
You say you got nothing to live for and you wait for the next welfare check? Quit the drugs for a while(if you need something just smoke a weed) Have you no skills at all?

If not get down to your local place of learning, it need not be anything that takes a lot of thinking about, learn plastering or plumbing or bricklaying or some other trade. BREED fkin rats or something (that's not a joke its easy and pays, I bred fancy rats in my late teens and it made me more money than my job was doing at the time) just learn how to do something legal that will put some money in your pocket. When you start to feel better about yourself life will change, sitting on your arse doing ketamine and moaning is what your problem is.

Forget about trying to bang lesbians, who knows, you could meet a sweet straight girl down at the college, in the canteen when your eating your corn beef sandwiches, covered in plaster and rat crap.
 
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