Survivor1234
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 20
Hello All,
I have come here for support and information regarding opiate/opioid dependence as well as to share some of my experiences that I feel must be expressed, especially in the matter of Suboxone.
As a teenager I was addicted to pills (Percs/Vics) and then eventually the big H. Five years of that and I managed to clean myself up (10 trips to detox and rehabs later
I enjoyed a wonderful 12 years, all through my twenties and the first years of my thirties, being clean as can be. No drugs, no pills, no smoking, rarely consumed alcohol, and went on to be very successful, personally and professionally.
Then I moved to Florida. I suppose I was so overjoyed with my new life on the beach I let my inhibitions go and started to pick up some bad habits. First it was smoking (ciggs), then drinking, and then came the pills. What lead to this was a series of poor decisions, being at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people, and an overwhelming amount of stressful life events all in a very short time (illness, car accident, fall/back injury, crazy ex-boyfriend out to destroy me, and finally the loss of my job.)
As my health, body and world fell apart I quickly sunk back into my long lost ways of medicating myself to not feel emotional pain.
My DOC is oxycodone. When I relapsed I had made a decision to go to one of these pain clinics down here because my neck/back injury was acting up. I knew deep down what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted relief and really believed I would only take the pills for a few weeks. Well, five months later I am still at it, up to an average of 200mg+ a day of these "Roxi's" as they are called around here. I am now full-on addicted. So badly, I needed to re-dose every two hours or so to stave off the withdrawal. Perhaps my prior history made it possible for me to get hooked so quickly and to consume such a large quantity for a 112 lb girl....... (I'm 5' 6")
I then took a suggestion from a friend to go to a local Suboxone doctor. They said this was a miracle drug to get off the pills. Great! WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! I knew nothing about the drug or its potency, half-life, side effects, etc. I was immediately put on 24 mg per day. Within 90 days I tapered myself down to 2mg a day and tried to jump.
Well that did not go well at all. I went 19 days with the assistance of some percs and hydro cough medicine, but ultimately folded and went back to the Sub doc. Greedy bastard he is, he re-inducted me back at 24mg a day, had to pay to come once a week for the first four weeks, etc. It was all about the money for him. He could care less if I ever got clean or off Suboxone. It then took me another 13 months of pure hell to kick that crap for good. Not only had I also added a large Xanax habit to the mix to deal with the anxiety attacks subs give me, but I started sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon each day, I gained 50 lbs, was absolutely suicidal the first 14 days detoxing from subs, and the withdrawal PEAKED at days 14-15-16-17 and lasted for a full 21 days. This is the definition of Hell on Earth.
That was 4 months ago. Since then I have been repeatedly detoxing then using pills, detoxing and then using pills, and more detoxing and then using more pills. I try so hard, and my intentions are so great, but at the end of the day I either break down because I can't handle the sickness and seek out pills or someone comes around with something and I jump right on it. I am living in a bad situation (as I lost my own apartment months ago..). I am surrounded by drug users and the drug-using friends of my BF and his roommate. It's horrible.
Last week I went 5 days with NOTHING. This was a planned detox (I just keep trying I was so thrilled and proud of myself that I made it to the 5 day mark. And then, BF rolls in with a handful of pills because he wants him and I to go to a concert. I am a complete a@#hole for giving in and he is a complete a@#hole for getting the pills. FYI - There is no future with him and I, I am just stuck at the moment. I am broke and would otherwise be homeless. So, YES, I will be vacating him from my life ASAP.
So this is where I am to date. Sick again, feeling hopeless and defeated. I joined here to make some friends who may understand what I am going through and perhaps get some inspiration to just get out of this mess already. I want so many great things in my life and am capable of many great things, if only not for an addiction to opiates
Nice to "meet" you all and I look forward to some uplifting discussions.
Survivor1234
Writer, Business Consultant, Fitness Enthusiast, Beach Lover, Dreamer and Addict
I have come here for support and information regarding opiate/opioid dependence as well as to share some of my experiences that I feel must be expressed, especially in the matter of Suboxone.
As a teenager I was addicted to pills (Percs/Vics) and then eventually the big H. Five years of that and I managed to clean myself up (10 trips to detox and rehabs later
I enjoyed a wonderful 12 years, all through my twenties and the first years of my thirties, being clean as can be. No drugs, no pills, no smoking, rarely consumed alcohol, and went on to be very successful, personally and professionally. Then I moved to Florida. I suppose I was so overjoyed with my new life on the beach I let my inhibitions go and started to pick up some bad habits. First it was smoking (ciggs), then drinking, and then came the pills. What lead to this was a series of poor decisions, being at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people, and an overwhelming amount of stressful life events all in a very short time (illness, car accident, fall/back injury, crazy ex-boyfriend out to destroy me, and finally the loss of my job.)
As my health, body and world fell apart I quickly sunk back into my long lost ways of medicating myself to not feel emotional pain.
My DOC is oxycodone. When I relapsed I had made a decision to go to one of these pain clinics down here because my neck/back injury was acting up. I knew deep down what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted relief and really believed I would only take the pills for a few weeks. Well, five months later I am still at it, up to an average of 200mg+ a day of these "Roxi's" as they are called around here. I am now full-on addicted. So badly, I needed to re-dose every two hours or so to stave off the withdrawal. Perhaps my prior history made it possible for me to get hooked so quickly and to consume such a large quantity for a 112 lb girl....... (I'm 5' 6")
I then took a suggestion from a friend to go to a local Suboxone doctor. They said this was a miracle drug to get off the pills. Great! WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE! I knew nothing about the drug or its potency, half-life, side effects, etc. I was immediately put on 24 mg per day. Within 90 days I tapered myself down to 2mg a day and tried to jump.
Well that did not go well at all. I went 19 days with the assistance of some percs and hydro cough medicine, but ultimately folded and went back to the Sub doc. Greedy bastard he is, he re-inducted me back at 24mg a day, had to pay to come once a week for the first four weeks, etc. It was all about the money for him. He could care less if I ever got clean or off Suboxone. It then took me another 13 months of pure hell to kick that crap for good. Not only had I also added a large Xanax habit to the mix to deal with the anxiety attacks subs give me, but I started sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon each day, I gained 50 lbs, was absolutely suicidal the first 14 days detoxing from subs, and the withdrawal PEAKED at days 14-15-16-17 and lasted for a full 21 days. This is the definition of Hell on Earth.
That was 4 months ago. Since then I have been repeatedly detoxing then using pills, detoxing and then using pills, and more detoxing and then using more pills. I try so hard, and my intentions are so great, but at the end of the day I either break down because I can't handle the sickness and seek out pills or someone comes around with something and I jump right on it. I am living in a bad situation (as I lost my own apartment months ago..). I am surrounded by drug users and the drug-using friends of my BF and his roommate. It's horrible.
Last week I went 5 days with NOTHING. This was a planned detox (I just keep trying
I was so thrilled and proud of myself that I made it to the 5 day mark. And then, BF rolls in with a handful of pills because he wants him and I to go to a concert. I am a complete a@#hole for giving in and he is a complete a@#hole for getting the pills. FYI - There is no future with him and I, I am just stuck at the moment. I am broke and would otherwise be homeless. So, YES, I will be vacating him from my life ASAP. So this is where I am to date. Sick again, feeling hopeless and defeated. I joined here to make some friends who may understand what I am going through and perhaps get some inspiration to just get out of this mess already. I want so many great things in my life and am capable of many great things, if only not for an addiction to opiates
Nice to "meet" you all and I look forward to some uplifting discussions.
Survivor1234
Writer, Business Consultant, Fitness Enthusiast, Beach Lover, Dreamer and Addict
