my story
this is my first post here, i thought this would be the place for a bit of background consolidation cus its a bit of a fucked up story, for me anyway, about the hardest thing thats ever happend to me.
my name is jesper, im 18, my birthday was in feburary, i live in a place called ballarat in australia, i was born in sweden and moved here when i was 11 months old. i went to a private school where the was a lot of drugs, and i sorta fell in with the "wrong crowd" when i was about 14.
i started smokeing weed when i was about..... well, i cant remember, sometime in year 9, i started smokeing pretty heavily and onetime i became pretty paranoid, a mild psychosis i believe, but i got over it pretty fast and forgot all about it, it put me off weed for a while, but i was back with a vengance in time.
year 10 rolled around and i went to this party. it got shut down pretty fast cus the parents rocked up and i tagged along with this guy because we both had no transportation and i had no phone. that was the first time i hung out with him as friends. over time we because pretty good pals. he lived in his parents garage because he diddnt like liveing with them and was a bit of a free spirit. he smoked weed too, and had similar interests to me, consisting of prettymuch just findeing drugs to take and sitting around talking. a lot of other pretty dodgy people went to his little abode too, but also a lot of good people, people i value and still hang with. anyways, the years rolled on, a lot of singles were consumed, and eventually we started getting into harder psychadelics, which he was able to get onto because he also happend to start dealing drugs from his room around the time i met him, and was getting pretty good buisness. anyways, weed became the norm and other things were sought after, so we both experimented pretty hard.
i had racked up quite a list of things i had taken by the time i was 17, and was pretty hard into it, drugs that is. i usually only smoked on weekends at that stage but it began to be a few times a week. i started takeing things like mushies and acid. acid is great. anyway, i didnt give my mind a rest for about 6 months, and it was beginning to show, id be really agitated all the time, get worked up really easily, and things were deteriorating at home (my parents had no idea what was going on). anyhow one night we had a bottle of mushie juice (pulverised mushrooms in water) and decided to hit it. i had a decent amount and within 15 minuites colours and shit were going funny and bright, then we started to think maby we had taken to much, we went outside and my mate was able to vomit but i wasnt because i diddnt feel sick yet. time moved on and i saw no real hallucinations, just crazy colours and a weird mindset, despite the large dose, and a fuckload of nausea by that time. i prettymuch sat there all night holding my stomach and thinking, which is a bad idea when you're fucked on mushies. by the morning i was discoloured and fucked up and in a really wack mindset. when i stepped out of his room, reality seemed like a joke, a thing guise to be manipulated by the mind. that was the start of things to come. that mindset, the first insane thing i began to think.
i continued smokeing weed, despite things being not quite right mentally. a few weeks went by and it was time for school holidays. my mate went on a holiday to another state and my other best friend did the same. i had a pretty small group of friends despite the large amount of people i encountered, i was pretty withdrawn and locked into my own little fucked up world at the time. drugs dont help me open my mind much. at least not then anyway. anyhow i decided the only thing i could do, because i diddnt feel like anyone would want to hang out with me, because i diddnt really have much confidance at the time, so i just spent my time playing computergames stoned, listening to music stoned, and watching movies stoned. i was smokeing every night really heavily, and my mind was certainly never normal. i began feeling like people were in my head watching what i was doing through my eyes and criticizeing my thought processes. one night i herd a knock on my window, i froze, bong in hand, stareing, waiting for something, then i herd wistleing, and went outside with a baseball bat, and nothing. from then on people were apparantly trying to film me as well as being inside my mind. i dont know why i diddnt make a foil hat to foil them PUN HAHAAHAHHAHH anyways. i was getting pretty wacked out and not realiseing it, i beleived everything i thought of. i had been smokeing for about 3 weeks straight, on top of the months and months of drug abuse that preceeded it. i started to think that rival dealers were comeing to get me. at this point i had said nothing to my parents.
on the last weekend of the holidays my parents went down to the capital city to see my grandparents, leaveing me in my psychosis on my own for a night unknowingly. i diddnt sleep a wink. i was too buisy dodging thermal and nightvision cameras with my sword throughout the house, afraid to turn the lights on or go infront of windows. i finally got to bed around 430 when my brother came home from clubbing and i fially felt relaxed because i hadnt been attacked by axe weilding drug dealers with thermal cameras.
the next night i went to my friends house to get stoned. we smoked a big mix and stayed up listening to music. i was realtively un-paranoid untill the next day, when i was again really afraid that people were watching me and were going to attack me when i left. i called my mum to come and get me and told her "when you get her, drive fast, stop at the door, ill get in really fast, and drive the fuck away really fast, please do this for me". when she came i had to muster some hardcore resolution to get out the door, and off we went, me ushering her to drive faster the whole time. we got home and i was pretty fucked, paranoid as shit, and it wasnt going away now, i was interrogating people i knew about scheems my enemies had been planning for me, i was about to start makeing threatining calls when my parents took me aside and asked me what was wrong. i came clean and told them everything, they told me these things werent happening but that diddnt stop me, i went back to what i was doing and a few minuites later they came back and told me we had to go to hospital, and that if i diddnt come with them, that they would come and get me. i went with them, and before i went, i stopped infront of my brother and told him "this is fucked up man, real fucked up" because i saw it as another conspiracy to get me, but i went along cus it was my parents.
we got to hospital and i waited in the waiting room, thinking the people around me were hidden agents keeping tabs on me, so i was afraid to run. we got into the medical bit of the hospital and they lay me down. a doctor came to see me and my parents told them what i had said, with me pipeing in to give details. the doctor touched my arm and said i would be alright, and that he was going to help me. big mistake. from that instant everyone seemed to be smirking at me and i thought they were going to rape me, the wack little ethnic doctor spearheading (lol) the whole thing. i began to become really agitated, and started spitting half concealed words about what was happening and really needing to leave to my dad, and he just told me to sit down, i was really hurt he wouldnt help me, because i was pleading my hardest with him. a security guard came and stood near me, he had a gun and was faceing away from me. i realised i could get his gun but wasnt quite that crazy to do it. this is one thing im really glad i diddnt do, because then things would have gotten a lot more fucked up.
a few minuites later three large men came and told me they were moveing me. i walked through the parking lot with them surrounding me, with my parents and a doctor following me. they took me for a medical and i looked at the supervising guy and said "i feel like you're going to start stabbing me with that needle" and he just looked like hed herd it before. pretty messed up. they showed me to my room and i began walking around the building, the security gaurd offered to go for a smoke in a more secluded part of the building but i diddnt because he was going to rape me when he got the chance. i went back to my room and found a bobby pin and a paperclip in some drawers (i searched the room). i then commenced sneeking around the psych ward intent on lock picking my way out. i soon gave up as the place is structured so you cant do it. i went to bed, lurching up at full speed every time they checked on me.
the next day they moved my into another room that i couldnt escape from and locked me in with this guy who was ment to assess me and be my nurse. i had a chat to him, i was in a really fucked up mindstate and i dunno what he thought, he knew i was sick anyway and it was his job. i waited around all day, and by this stage i was intent on concealing my motives from them and convinceing them i was sane. it diddnt work. they put me in an ambulance and shipped me to a bigger psych ward in melbourne, the capital city, about an hour and a half away. my mum came for the ride. i thought it was going to be like this big oldschool gaol with a bunch of nuts who were going to kill me. i was really scared. we got there and they led me into the isolation unit. they locked the doors on this room with two smaller rooms and a tv and a big window made out of glass you cant break. the furnature was big foam blocks cut into chairs to sit on and big cubes for putting stuff on and resting your feet. there was a small courtyard outside with a few plants, some edible, and really high walls. an italian guy sat me down and began asking me questions. i gave him hell because i thought he was fakeing his accent. i weirded him out pretty well. anyways it was soon over and i went to bed.
they assign people to watch you, and they change tri-hourly, in this in-escapable prison. this big irish guy came in and watched me, i shook his hand firmy and stared him right in the eyes, and noticed that his eyes were darting all over me, takeing me in manicly. this was not a hallucination, im sure of it. i looked at him and told him that if was going to rape me i was going to kill him. he stopped looking all over me and sat down. this is the one person i encountered that i am sure to this day had something fucked up on his mind. like he was fully checking me out with a frantic anticipation that sickens me still. im a big guy, i was reasonably slender at the time because of all the drugs, but im still 6 foot 3 inches tall. i could have given this fat 50yo a pretty good problem to deal with if i had nutted out.
the next day they brought in this fucking beautiful girl with deep scratches in her arms. she was 16 turning 17, around my age, and had been hurting herself. it turns out she was suisidal and had been ever since her mentally ill mother tried to kill herself in front of her multiple times when she was a kid. she was pretty fucked up, worse than me, but man was she beautiful, in a fragile resolute way. we made friends and i lent her my book to read. it was "theif of time" by terry pratchet. a fantasy novel about a monk who obtains enlightenment. she bagan scrapeing her nails into her arm, over and over, and worked up a really big gash. nobody was doing anything, they wouldnt touch her, i pleaded with her to stop, i diddnt want her to do this and it fucks with me that noone made her stop. the staff just let her do it. i got her to stop and they bandaged her up. she went into her room, one of the two ajoining this bigger room, and cried for a few hours. she came out and i comforted her, because i wasnt allowed in her room. later that day they began me on medication because i was still fucked up. they let you smoke too, by the way, every hour they let you into the small courtyard and help you with a light which youre not allowed to have. i had my ipod my mum brought for me. i shared it with her and played her some techno that i felt applied to the situation. mainly this one song thats like "we are lost in dreams" (i thought at the time my whole experience was a prophecy told to me by someone before it all happend). i thought the whole place was a fucked up sexual abuse ridden hellhole at that time, and i thought they were raping her, so i felt this urge to stand by her. we were sitting faceing each other on this bench outside for hours listening to music and stareing into each others eyes when night rolled around. they told us to come inside so we did. im pretty sure the girl liked me in a way when i think about it, but we were both pretty fucked up at the time and looking for a way out i spose.
the days rolled on and i would talk to the girl dureing the day and watch tv with her and smoke occasionally. i would lie in bed at night, planning the next day and what i would do if the large group of men i was expecting busted in the door, beat the shit out of me, and raped me. i decided my only hope was to wait for them. from then on i was constanty hyped, sitting dead upright in my little foamblock chair, stareing at the tv and monitoring what was going on with my peripheral vision. i was locked in a psychological battle with the people watching me so that i would have the element of surprise. they took me to a hospital the next day for an eeg and a seizure test (they sit you there and flash lights at you) but i ran out of the hospital because i thought by monitoring my brainwaves with the eeg they were going to download my mind and kill me for my errant character. i stood outside the hospital looking at the skyline of the city (melbournes a pretty crazy looking city) and decided that the cooling aray (i think thats what it was) on one of the skyscrapers was a mind-monitoring device used by the government. also by the way, one fact ive forgotten to mention is that i was daignosed soon after i came in with acute cannabinoid psychosis, so thats what was wrong with me.
the next week i had grown to trust the people at the psych ward because they hadnt done anything to me, and had even given me this cool hallucinogenic sleep aid called zolpidem to help me sleep, it was a pretty cool trip. anyways, the decided to let me out with the rest of the patients. i wasnt 18 at the time so i was in the childrens thing, but most of the people were teenagers around my age. suisidal, bipolar, depressed, hyperanxious, amotivational, and just plain tripped out, you name it, they had it. they were all good kids, but with serious problems. im still friends with some of them. you'd be surprised how many pretty girls go insane or have commitable problems. i was the only guy out of like 15 people.
i had my own room, and my own psychiatrist, i was takeing the medication, and was beginning to understand that the things i had thought were not real, and god danm was it a relief. i have infinate respect for the people who worked at that place, and the work they do, helping troubled people. they were always willing to talk, always open, and always friendly. not an ounce as malicious as i first thought. ive considered becomeing a social worker or something because of those people, and im still considering it.
by the end of the second week i was getting back to normal, and lieing about still being paranoid so i could get out sooner, and it worked, they let me out the end of that week and i was rareing to get back to school and finish year 12, full of new ideas about what drugs do to people and wanting to get back to my friends. i got out and my friends were all super supportive. that was when i realised how awesom my friends are and how lucky i am to have them. this marked an opening up for me, a period of new prosperity and confidance. i felt so loved. anyways, due to the fact i had lied about not being paranoid anymore i was haveing a hard time functioning and had developed a nervous twitch in my eyelid which came and went. school was hard, especially all the people being awkward around you because you're crazy, but the benefit to that is not one cocky dickwad says anything cus hes afraid youll flip out, so that was good. everyone was just happy to see my back, especially my teachers and i went on to finish year 12 despite remaning half fucked in the head.
exams were especially hard, because i was still under the impression i could smoke weed and not be fucked up because i had stopped being paranoid for about a week and a half. anyways, i went back to my friends house about 2 weeks before exams and had a line of speed and some cones. from then on things got a lot worse. i was so paranoid i wasnt able to sleep, but i still was able to understand that despite my hyperanxious worry these things were not real. i dont know how i diddnt fail numerous exams, because i was sleep deprived and literally unable to function proper, like, stareing at the wall talking to people in my head instead of writing essays, although i managed to spit out one history essay which got me a b which i was pretty happy about. after this period i was prettywell convinced that i was unable to stand drugs anymore, due to repeated adverce reactions. if i take drugs now, my mind reverts prettymuch instantly back to insanity and i have to spend the next 4 months dealing with partial insanity, which bites dick. its not cool thinking you're being watched from behind your eyes. it makes showering somewhat less private.
its now 5 months on from that and just a few weeks ago i stopped being paranoid. im still on medication, and will be for months to come, but at least i have my peace of mind back. there is nothing worse than being insane. although it is one hell of a trip....... to a psych ward, that is, AH HAH HAH.
anyways, my names jesper, im 18, im clean (although i have now moved on to pharms and lowlevel herbs because i can take them with no ill effects. i am currently buzzing on some old sudafed i found) and im better for my experiences.
i just thought id share that as my introduction to the forums.
-jesper
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
