Invega9976
Greenlighter
I joined the site not to long ago. I'm 39 years old. I witnessed a lot of violence when I was growing up. My parents were maniacs. Also I was neglected and abused and raised by grandparents as a result. They were good people. I went to Christian school back then and now after 38 years and 4 years college education I'm an Atheist. I joined the Army Infantry before 911. I volunteered to go to Iraq (reenlisted to go.) I didn't know the American government would fuck up the country like they did. A part of me feels bad for being part of it but I helped save lives so I can't say I wouldn't do it again.
As for drugs, I try to stay away from drugs that aren't prescription because my brain is fried from years of pot smoking, MDMA use, psylocybin use, and hard drinking. I became psychotic eventually. I think people should think more about the side effects of street drugs. They mostly aren't good for the brain in many ways. Prescribed medication can hurt too.
Before therapy I couldn't see the monster within. I thought I was an ok person. I was totally blind to the truth. Dealing with that truth was and is very hard. I deal with it on a daily basis as I attempt to control myself. I'm still failing but making big improvements overall. It's hard to explain. It's like being your own parent. I make mistakes even now but learn more from them. Before therapy, I didn't give a shit and learned no lessons.
But if you met me you wouldn't know I was psycho. I appear perfectly normal aside from being kind of quiet because of the schitzoaffective disorder or the antipsychotics...I can't tell. I can have intelligent and meaningful dialogue with others and convince them I'm no harm. I don't try, it's just natural. But underneath the mask of sanity is hell and all that comes with it. My thoughts are evil sometimes and I become fixated on them. But I also have the ability to be a good friend, help others, and work hard. I do have emotions but I can turn them on and off. I can tune in to empathy and I can have sympathy, but there is a delay...I must stop for a second and consider if I want to feel those feelings. Perhaps I'm not a full blown psychopath...just damn close.
If there is anything you want to ask me about my antisocial or borderline traits, feel free. I'm ashamed for just a moment...only a moment because I must move forward to change. If you'd like to know what it's like to have a psychotic break from reality then ask away. All I can say is that messing with street drugs is messing with your brain... dangerous for many people. Even cannabis is not for everyone. Drugs change lives. They have the ability to help change your life for better or for worse. With drugs, some win and some loose. Which one will you be? How much control do you have?
As for drugs, I try to stay away from drugs that aren't prescription because my brain is fried from years of pot smoking, MDMA use, psylocybin use, and hard drinking. I became psychotic eventually. I think people should think more about the side effects of street drugs. They mostly aren't good for the brain in many ways. Prescribed medication can hurt too.
I'm diagnosed schitzoaffective disorder but I'm not quite sure they got that right. I did go psychotic for four months with paranoid delusions. Also, my therapist said that I had antisocial and borderline traits. I think I'm a psychopath because I've done lots of hurtful things to others without even thinking about how they felt. I could kill anything, even a baby and then turn around and eat lunch and forget about it...not loose sleep. These days I watch my behavior and hold myself accountable for antisocial behavior. I am getting better, but my past still haunts me. It's hard to control my behavior. I did 3 years in prison for discharging a firearm from a vehicle. I didn't think it was such a big deal even though there were victims. I scared people. As for things I wasn't caught for... I got two domestic batterys, I have four knife assaults, various drug crimes and DUIs. I've abused animals before. Also I like young girls which could be considered pedophilia. I sleep with prostitutes. And there are more things I can't write about because just too disgusting.
Before therapy I couldn't see the monster within. I thought I was an ok person. I was totally blind to the truth. Dealing with that truth was and is very hard. I deal with it on a daily basis as I attempt to control myself. I'm still failing but making big improvements overall. It's hard to explain. It's like being your own parent. I make mistakes even now but learn more from them. Before therapy, I didn't give a shit and learned no lessons.
But if you met me you wouldn't know I was psycho. I appear perfectly normal aside from being kind of quiet because of the schitzoaffective disorder or the antipsychotics...I can't tell. I can have intelligent and meaningful dialogue with others and convince them I'm no harm. I don't try, it's just natural. But underneath the mask of sanity is hell and all that comes with it. My thoughts are evil sometimes and I become fixated on them. But I also have the ability to be a good friend, help others, and work hard. I do have emotions but I can turn them on and off. I can tune in to empathy and I can have sympathy, but there is a delay...I must stop for a second and consider if I want to feel those feelings. Perhaps I'm not a full blown psychopath...just damn close.
If there is anything you want to ask me about my antisocial or borderline traits, feel free. I'm ashamed for just a moment...only a moment because I must move forward to change. If you'd like to know what it's like to have a psychotic break from reality then ask away. All I can say is that messing with street drugs is messing with your brain... dangerous for many people. Even cannabis is not for everyone. Drugs change lives. They have the ability to help change your life for better or for worse. With drugs, some win and some loose. Which one will you be? How much control do you have?
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