Mental Health inside the mind of a lunatic

[BatShitCrazy]

hey^^^^ a post that didn't look like a plethora of paragraphs

 

[-=SS=-]

I am not a drug user other than cannabis, but only small amounts. It actually is the only thing to this day that helps. It suppresses and some times completely eliminates the thoughts and emotions I am feeling other than what I actually want to or should feel.

Did this disturbance of thinking start before you started smoking cannabis? I would at least consider the possibility that whilst the cannabis apparently seems to help it may actually be what is helping to maintain the pattern. In the same way alcohol helps calm my mind down but it actually makes the underlying problems worse, not better. Few standard pieces of advice first: Make sure your diet is clean, exercise, sleep properly.

Next is.. have you also considered the possibility that other people may in fact have similar disturbances of thoughts? If you google the web you'll find plenty of reports of people asking "Why do I think.. about.. ".. some of it can be pretty dark. Murder. Rape. Incest. But the common thing is, like yourself, that everyone recognizes they don't act on these thoughts nor do they wish to have them. Some of these people have past substance habits, many have never even touched a substance.

Your issue is you seem caught up in arguing with this train of thought. Don't do that. "The only way to win is to deny it battle". Like the poster Barrenian I've had episodes where my mind will conjure up a scenario and I'll play it through, and I'll feel the emotion very deeply.. which was primarily rage/anger. So deeply it would physically affect me, I'd be moody for ages afterwards. I did this for years before I finally asked myself why the fuck I was having these mini-events (usually in the shower). For me it was related to being physically assaulted in public a few times, having had a glass bottle thrown at my head from a moving car, spat on in McDonald's as a teenager, and many other instances in childhood where I was outnumbered, physically inferior to fight my corner or scared to do so.. all those instances added up to the feeling of rage and I needed to process it. Stopping this process began with recognizing it as it started to happen without getting swept up in it.. which took awhile to learn. Then eventually learning not react at all.. which happened by accepting the past and acknowledging that I maybe should have fought back/expressed the rage in that moment when I felt it. I no longer have these events.

The only time I've heard seriously degrading voices was during alcohol sleep. I put that down to me being mentally weakened at the moment and I think a take away point from that is, and which herbavore alluded too, is that when you feel under immense pressure and vulnerable that is when there's potential for disturbances to happen. You sound strong willed which is good. I would reclaim some more power though by not engaging with the thoughts so much.. don't fight them or try to reason with them.. just ignore them. You've done meditation before so that will help.

 

[anti150]

instances in childhood where I was outnumbered, physically inferior to fight my corner or scared to do so.. all those instances added up to the feeling of rage and I needed to process it. Stopping this process began with recognizing it as it started to happen without getting swept up in it.. which took awhile to learn. Then eventually learning not react at all.. which happened by accepting the past and acknowledging that I maybe should have fought back/expressed the rage in that moment when I felt it. I no longer have these events.

This same thing happened to me!

When i was about 14-15-16 I got in with a "rough" crowd. Eventually i had a falling out with my boys and they jumped me, on a few different occasions.. 1 on 1 fights in the yard were a regular, almost daily thing. Then they would always act like my friends again afterwards. I thought they were the only friends i really had so i still sticked with them (dumbass I know). Eventually they wanted to fight me 2 on 1 one day and when i said hell no they pulled out knives. So i finally left that crowd of thugs, but it definitely "tramatized" me. Ive been dealing with it ever since. Every time i smoke weed now it makes me paranoid and i cant even enjoy things like i use to anymore. .

 

[BatShitCrazy]

Did this disturbance of thinking start before you started smoking cannabis? I would at least consider the possibility that whilst the cannabis apparently seems to help it may actually be what is helping to maintain the pattern. In the same way alcohol helps calm my mind down but it actually makes the underlying problems worse, not better. Few standard pieces of advice first: Make sure your diet is clean, exercise, sleep properly.

Next is.. have you also considered the possibility that other people may in fact have similar disturbances of thoughts? If you google the web you'll find plenty of reports of people asking "Why do I think.. about.. ".. some of it can be pretty dark. Murder. Rape. Incest. But the common thing is, like yourself, that everyone recognizes they don't act on these thoughts nor do they wish to have them. Some of these people have past substance habits, many have never even touched a substance.

Your issue is you seem caught up in arguing with this train of thought. Don't do that. "The only way to win is to deny it battle". Like the poster Barrenian I've had episodes where my mind will conjure up a scenario and I'll play it through, and I'll feel the emotion very deeply.. which was primarily rage/anger. So deeply it would physically affect me, I'd be moody for ages afterwards. I did this for years before I finally asked myself why the fuck I was having these mini-events (usually in the shower). For me it was related to being physically assaulted in public a few times, having had a glass bottle thrown at my head from a moving car, spat on in McDonald's as a teenager, and many other instances in childhood where I was outnumbered, physically inferior to fight my corner or scared to do so.. all those instances added up to the feeling of rage and I needed to process it. Stopping this process began with recognizing it as it started to happen without getting swept up in it.. which took awhile to learn. Then eventually learning not react at all.. which happened by accepting the past and acknowledging that I maybe should have fought back/expressed the rage in that moment when I felt it. I no longer have these events.

The only time I've heard seriously degrading voices was during alcohol sleep. I put that down to me being mentally weakened at the moment and I think a take away point from that is, and which herbavore alluded too, is that when you feel under immense pressure and vulnerable that is when there's potential for disturbances to happen. You sound strong willed which is good. I would reclaim some more power though by not engaging with the thoughts so much.. don't fight them or try to reason with them.. just ignore them. You've done meditation before so that will help.

I will keep this short due to a massive migraine but I will be online tomorrow for a more in depth opinion. I do not try to engage in these arguing, the back and forth thoughts are literally out of my control. I know how that must sound but yeah, its me.. Also, I have considered many times about the cannabis theory and no they did not start around that time. I have been dealing with this waaay longer than I have smoke cannabis. I have done many experiments with the last one being taking an entire year off without any cannabis, I even cut out drinking, period. That was one the worst years for my mentality, constant feeling of mental brutality towards my self esteem etc. I really appreciate your thoughts and sharing them with me as well as experiences. Sorry again for this post not resembling the other ones. This migraine feels like my head will pop! I will be one at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow as usual and I will add more to what I want to say but cannot bear to stare at the screen and type any longer, thanks for understanding.

 

[BatShitCrazy]

This same thing happened to me!

When i was about 14-15-16 I got in with a "rough" crowd. Eventually i had a falling out with my boys and they jumped me, on a few different occasions.. 1 on 1 fights in the yard were a regular, almost daily thing. Then they would always act like my friends again afterwards. I thought they were the only friends i really had so i still sticked with them (dumbass I know). Eventually they wanted to fight me 2 on 1 one day and when i said hell no they pulled out knives. So i finally left that crowd of thugs, but it definitely "tramatized" me. Ive been dealing with it ever since. Every time i smoke weed now it makes me paranoid and i cant even enjoy things like i use to anymore. .

That blows, im so sorry to hear that happened to you. I have been jumped before so I feel for you (7 people when I was in between 7th and 8th grade during summer). I didn't fight everyday but have been in my fair share of postin' up. This might be weird but I was always the one of my friends to chill people out when smoking. I have not once, never, ever, gotten paranoia with cannabis. Not sure what that means, also I don't get tired, only my mind calms down but once that happens I feel upbeat, uplifted, and ready to GSD!(get shit done). Once again, not sure what that means either, but it works for me. Thank you for sharing about what happened to you. I can imagine how hard I was to say that since it was traumatic, but I appreciate it.

 

[pentouch]

Hey John..
Great to know you finally made the step to write down your experiences. Do you feel better now? I hope you do..there are great posters over here,and time to time I find my self going back here for just reminding my self of things which I forget along the way,herbarove pretty much summed it up in her post #12, ither therapist or psychiatrist will try to find reason for your self inflicted mental torture,either its in the past event or the present situations or future fears,only psychiatrist will probably start pharmaceutical therapy,which isnt bad its definitely a tricky one,remember pills arent the answer,they are just tools in case of emergency,and tools without work aint shit,and at the end it can actually do more harm. You are 23 ,hey me too,this is a very important part of your life,when you have to prove your self to the world,theres always an answer for your doubts in others and your self,I find it very interesting that cannabis doesnt deepens your paroind thoughts,it does for me,and I actually find some answers for my bad experiences in these state of mind,but only when Im alone and not distracted by my social anxiety..
Anyway its good to see you mentally work with your self,you do some kind of CBT,which is positive thinking and self reflection,but dont get much into these dialogues like SS said you shouldnt give them much of your energy and attention,try to focus on positive monlogue,also dont bottle up,express your self one day or another these angers and hot flashes will manifest in some physical output ,althought suggested post about meditation is healthy routine,to bring you down,make your brain slow down and let all the distractions go,but sometimes when your adrenaline already took over,you need to either jog ,punch a bag or scream,make action,and after that you can meditate and go back to your girlfriend comforting you,its way better than just to sit it out there with her. Also no doubt girl cares about you,after all these things,shes still with ya and aint afraid of you.
About the possessed sleeping part,do you remember what was happening at that moment in your life? Maybe some difficulties