Inquests

[angelsmoke]

I started writing this in Mugz' RIP thread, but I realised that I really want to ask for advice -- especially from people who've been there, and I didn't want to little his thread with things that are essentially about me.

Martin's inquest is on Thursday. I can't go... I just can't. I've never been to one before, but I read the transcript of my sister's, and it was so horrible. It was all about the state of her body - the bruising, the broken bones.... the fact that she was alive when she hit the water despite all that, and drowned. Even thinking about it makes me feel sick.

I love Martin. I will always love him, in one way or another. I miss him more than I can possibly say. He was my rock and my best friend. I want to honour him... and yes, I do want to know how he died..... but I think the inquest will involve pictures of him.... and I don't think I can handle seeing a picture of him dead. Seeing his body was one thing.... it was closure, knowledge, acceptance. His family were right there beside me. This, I just don't think I can. Everything in my being says it'll rip open every little bit of me that's started to heal.

Should I go? Or should I follow my gut?

I know a number of you must have been through these sorts of things.... and if you can bring yourself to share your experience or your decision I think it'd help.

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

You sound like you've answered your own question already.

You can't go. And there's nothing wrong with that, nothing for you to feel bad about.

Peace.

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

Angel, I apologise if this is inappropriate in this thread but can you tell me why Mugz's inquest has taken the best part of a year?

 

[Shambles]

I didn't go to the inquest after my lil brother's suicide. Don't recall being asked if I wanted to go by family either. Perhaps cos they didn't want me there cos I had only very recently gotten away from my previous life and was hardly the most stable person in the world, perhaps purely for the reasons you mention: it's not a nice thing to go through. I still know more than I really want to in many ways about what happened. Admittedly it made national tabloid status (in a small way - hardly front page - but maybe the fact it was just used as a "How fukkin freaky is that?!?" filler story was even worse ) so it was hard to avoid. Especially in such a small and gossipy town.

I'm not even gonna try to tell you what you should do, but if it were I I would not go to the inquest. I do understand the need for closure but those things are incredibly detailed and, as you say, may involve pictures and... just things that you don't want in your mind and memory. Guts are often the best bodypart to listen to when a choice is on offer, I'd say.

That aside, is great to see you around, Angel. Sorry it's not for the cheeriest of reasons. Stay strong

 

[Fellowed]

Sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced something exactly like what you're going through, but have lost many family members over the years due to health problems. Personally I don't think knowing exactly how they passed away in excessive medical detail would have made those times any easier though, or would have even been necessary really. It seems like you already know it's not going to be something you're going to find easy, and I wouldn't feel that by not doing so you're letting down your friend in any way.

 

[Ghostface]

If you have started to heal, I do not see any value in opening old wounds. I would only attend an inquest if the cause death would bring further closure. That does not seem to be the case.

 

[angelsmoke]

Angel, I apologise if this is inappropriate in this thread but can you tell me why Mugz's inquest has taken the best part of a year?

Don't apologise. You have no idea how much I want, and need, to talk about all this. So thank you for asking.

It's taken this long because that's how long it takes. My sister's was a year nearly to the day. What you get straight after death is the post-mortem, where they test for drug overdose or other obvious things. If they aren't able to reach a conclusion, it goes on to an inquest. FWIW, my sister's inquest was "open verdict" which means "dunno".

As I see it the most likely verdicts for Martin are: drug overdose, or suicide.

I think by now I've let it settle in my head that it was a drug O/D. Whether or not it was a suicide...... the last times that Martin thought he'd OD'd... or tried to kill himself, he wrote notes on his computer. I guess he had a romantic notion of the person finding him would be someone who'd scour his computer for info. I don't know if anything was visible, but I know his computer and most of his possessions were quickly packed away. His dad is dealing with this in the only way he knows --- to be able to live in his home with being punched by martin-reminder every moment.

So.... ramble.

Unless some forensics got mental and raided the house, I expect we won't ever know either way. Unless the inquest has something interesting to say, which is why maybe I should go.


By posting this thread, I was looking for people to either talk me into it, or nod at my choice to stay out of it. I feel guilty for not being there.... but I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not turning my back on him one last time.... I'm doing something.... that isn't shit.

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

I can only repeat you have nothing to feel bad about, nothing to feel guilty for. It may be an understandable emotion to suffer but that's all you're doing, suffering. You aren't doing anything bad or morally wrong. I'm pretty damn sure that Martin, on proper Martin form, would understand entirely.

 

[Shambles]

By posting this thread, I was looking for people to either talk me into it, or nod at my choice to stay out of it. I feel guilty for not being there.... but I'm trying to tell myself that I'm not turning my back on him one last time.... I'm doing something.... that isn't shit.

It certainly is not being "shit" to not go to an inquest.

I think perhaps it might be worth thinking about what there is to be gained if you did choose to go. You say that it's the possibility that you may learn something you don't already know about the cause of his death but - even if there were to be new information (which is far from a guarantee) - what difference would this make to you? If the two options are accidental overdose or suicide - and you are already pretty sure it was the former - I'm not sure what it is you think there is to be gained. All I can see is the potential for beating yourself up even more than I know you already do about it and to re-open old wounds having all the details laid out for what purpose?

I can only really speak to my own experience, and in my situation there really was no doubt. Even so it's really not nice to know every last detail - I'm glad my parents saved me from at least some of it. The details don't change the fact. Martin knows how much you loved him - he would not want you to torment yourself unnecessarily. I do understand the need/desire to know about the circumstances in a situation like this - I was exactly the same. It really didn't help me at all. It just made me feel even worse about it all. Actually made me blame myself. If only this, if only that. It took a long time to realise and accept that really none of that matters now. All that time I was focussed on the hows, whys and wherefores I felt horrible about it all. At some point I seem to have let that go and just accepted that nobody can truly know what exactly was going on when it happened. He is gone and would want those left behind to find ways to move on

 

[angelsmoke]

I do feel guilty - and this is why:

Martin is dead. His family will carry his torch forever. For me, for all the 'be happy' speeches, he wanted me to live with him as a possibility. I don't know what he would have wanted in death..... I doubt he seriously considered it. I feel guilty because not going to his inquest feels like chucking that torch on the ground. It is like saying "you didn't matter".

I'm doing (or not doing) this only for myself. I think if Martin is up there, down there, around there..... he would understand. Better than that -- I knew him well enough to know he'd surprise me with a massive hug.... and tell me that if it hurts me, I shouldn't do it.

I hope he is chillin right now and getting a bit of a kick out of this. To which I say: you dumped me

 

[angelsmoke]

I think perhaps it might be worth thinking about what there is to be gained if you did choose to go. You say that it's the possibility that you may learn something you don't already know about the cause of his death but - even if there were to be new information (which is far from a guarantee) - what difference would this make to you? If the two options are accidental overdose or suicide - and you are already pretty sure it was the former - I'm not sure what it is you think there is to be gained. All I can see is the potential for beating yourself up even more than I know you already do about it and to re-open old wounds having all the details laid out for what purpose?

I can only really speak to my own experience, and in my situation there really was no doubt. Even so it's really not nice to know every last detail - I'm glad my parents saved me from at least some of it. The details don't change the fact. Martin knows how much you loved him - he would not want you to torment yourself unnecessarily. I do understand the need/desire to know about the circumstances in a situation like this - I was exactly the same. It really didn't help me at all. It just made me feel even worse about it all. Actually made me blame myself. If only this, if only that. It took a long time to realise and accept that really none of that matters now. All that time I was focussed on the hows, whys and wherefores I felt horrible about it all. At some point I seem to have let that go and just accepted that nobody can truly know what exactly was going on when it happened. He is gone and would want those left behind to find ways to move on

Quoted in entirety for truth.

Sorry, I double posted.

This week I feel more sad about Martin than I have in a long time. I'm making changes in my life that make me think of him all the time. Everything new I do, I have a memory of Martin supporting me through it. Since we're not in the RIP thread -- I'll be honest --- he was a gambling addict, and was addicted to any drug that'd stop him feeling like himself for a moment. That took the form of mostly benzos and psyches. A wonderful day was post-acid trip he said "I've realised I don't need benzos" -- and he had. I found to my absolute delight that 'clean' Martin was the same guy I'd loved from the beginning.

I miss my friend. I miss my companion.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

Its clear to everyone that Martin did matter to you, he meant the world to you, so much so that the details of the inquest might well be unbearable for you to take.

Have you spoken to Martins family about how you feel ? I am sure they would understand, and that might lessen the feelings of guilt. If your gut instinct is giving you the message this loud and clear that you cant go then you have to trust that and listen to it. These instincts are rarely wrong.

 

[wcote]

You can always leave it its too much.

Not much more I can say. Its all very tragic.

 

[angelsmoke]

Thanks so much for the posts and advice.

I didn't intend to speak to his family, but some booze in my blood made me do it. I got more understanding than I expected or deserved. It sounds like Mugzs' mum is sick again so his sister and mum are stuck on another continent. His dad will be there and deliver the news.

I don't know what else to say really. I want this pain to stop, or I want to know that it will stop at some point. I know know cause-of-death verdict wn't bring my friend back. A suicide verdict would bring my entire world crashing down around my ears. A different verdict would probably leave me right where I already am. A shambles,xclutching at anything that gives a moment of peace, no matter the cost.

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

I'd hate to pre-empt anything Angel but statistically at least you are very very unlikely to have to suffer your worst case scenario of a suicide verdict. They just don't give them. Well, they do, but only when there is absolutely, without question, no doubt. It's a product of hundreds of years of Christianity in this country being in control. I have a relative who threw themselves down a very big flight of stairs while completely doped up on prescription drugs and alcohol and she left a suicide note for all to see near where she was found. I know because the note was still there three months later when we visited the house. The police hadn't touched it. Open verdict.

If you go to this inquest, then good luck to you. But from what you have said I cannot see any benefit to you from being there. And being there and walking out, which I feel you may inevitably do should you go, will do you no good at all. Let Martins dad relay the news to you.

Again, I wish you peace.

 

[mydrugbuddy]

I got more understanding than I expected or deserved.

It sounds like you are being far too hard on yourself. You have more than enough to deal with without that just making things even worse. You dont have anything to feel gulity about.

 

[Urbain]

I would only go if I felt that I needed answers, or some closure.

Though it has been such a long time, I still remember him staying here, and my flat mate bandaging his foot, because he'd worn over sized wellies at the festival with bogman.. hehehe.

All the best Angel x

 

[Sammy G]

It sounds like you are being far too hard on yourself. You have more than enough to deal with without that just making things even worse. You dont have anything to feel gulity about.

Hear, hear.

As you and others have pointed out, you have nothing to really gain from attending. Other than maybe to assuage some guilt which you shouldn't be feeling at all.

All the best whichever choice you make.

 

[knock]

If I were dead, the last thing I would want would be people I loved getting worked up about the cause of death and feeling guilty about not attending some official process.

If you want to go because you want to go then go. But you feeling guilty about not going really is not what Martin would have wanted is it?