Darksidesam
Bluelight Crew
Hey all, I'm 20 years old.
So basically, i suffer from manic depression, I started to use drugs at 19, (My first thing to try was an ecstasy tablet) I noticed the symptoms and signs of my manic depression at 15.
But what im basically saying is,
(People who follow me around on this forums will Back me up on this one too*COUGH* Folley,) I dont Abuse drugs, i actually just use them.
I use 1 mdma capsule, 150mg usually to have an enhanced experience at a rave, once a month but i like to wait 6 weeks.
I also use ketamine to help me stay awake and to enjoy the music more at raves.
I dont really like going to more than 2 raves a month, but its just a bit of wonky fun.
Ive recently been smoking cannabis too, but im more unproductive, lazy and overall its not a good thing for me so im not doing that anymore.
I got advised on here to do small doses of ketamine every 3 days,
But this makes me manicy and fiend for ketamine,
Whereas, Instead i prefer to do a nice dose, say 200mg once a week,
Sometimes i dont even enjoy slipping into that K-hole, but its when i start to come out of it,
I get that freshness im feeling as im typing now, that afterglow, its beautiful,
4 hours ago before i did ketamine i was thinking of negative thoughts, how pointless my life is, why do i even bother living anymore, etc
Now all i can think of is positive thoughts, how to do constructive things, and just want to generally do well.
For days afterwards, i dont feel those awful downwards mood swings of suicide thoughts, i dont even think them i feel them its like the titanic sinking inside me!, but if ive done my dose of ketamine i feel fine and 'Stable' (Pun not intended Neighh!!!)
So at that note there, I feel guilty i use ketamine every week,
but is it wrong?
Can i please have an opinion from an outside view?
Is it wrong i use ketamine like this?
Short example of mood swing:
(Started using in december , 2010)
October 2010,
At a place i was working at then suddenly get this feeling of Dysphoria, followed by me finding things extra hard to do, i feel worthless, then get told if i carry on doing stuff wrong and too slow im getting the sack, in which my mind responds in an evil image of me jumping in front of the train on the way home, as an end to this miserable life.
Countless examples of this flow through my mind, its not even a thought as i say, its a deep certain feeling i just want to end it.
So basically, i suffer from manic depression, I started to use drugs at 19, (My first thing to try was an ecstasy tablet) I noticed the symptoms and signs of my manic depression at 15.
But what im basically saying is,
(People who follow me around on this forums will Back me up on this one too*COUGH* Folley,) I dont Abuse drugs, i actually just use them.
I use 1 mdma capsule, 150mg usually to have an enhanced experience at a rave, once a month but i like to wait 6 weeks.
I also use ketamine to help me stay awake and to enjoy the music more at raves.
I dont really like going to more than 2 raves a month, but its just a bit of wonky fun.
Ive recently been smoking cannabis too, but im more unproductive, lazy and overall its not a good thing for me so im not doing that anymore.
I got advised on here to do small doses of ketamine every 3 days,
But this makes me manicy and fiend for ketamine,
Whereas, Instead i prefer to do a nice dose, say 200mg once a week,
Sometimes i dont even enjoy slipping into that K-hole, but its when i start to come out of it,
I get that freshness im feeling as im typing now, that afterglow, its beautiful,
4 hours ago before i did ketamine i was thinking of negative thoughts, how pointless my life is, why do i even bother living anymore, etc
Now all i can think of is positive thoughts, how to do constructive things, and just want to generally do well.
For days afterwards, i dont feel those awful downwards mood swings of suicide thoughts, i dont even think them i feel them its like the titanic sinking inside me!, but if ive done my dose of ketamine i feel fine and 'Stable' (Pun not intended Neighh!!!)
So at that note there, I feel guilty i use ketamine every week,
but is it wrong?
Can i please have an opinion from an outside view?
Is it wrong i use ketamine like this?
Short example of mood swing:
(Started using in december , 2010)
October 2010,
At a place i was working at then suddenly get this feeling of Dysphoria, followed by me finding things extra hard to do, i feel worthless, then get told if i carry on doing stuff wrong and too slow im getting the sack, in which my mind responds in an evil image of me jumping in front of the train on the way home, as an end to this miserable life.
Countless examples of this flow through my mind, its not even a thought as i say, its a deep certain feeling i just want to end it.
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...but in all seriousness, i really end up in a worse state than before. you have to learn other ways than using drugs to cope with depression/anxiety, or you will never be truly happy with yourself, high or sober.