Hi there
First of all, let me preface my question by saying that I have checked the forum rules, and can find nothing prohibiting this query/rambling, but I have been foolish before so please Mods, if there is anything wrong with it, let me know so I can edit it, rather than lose the query altogether! As I say, I have double-checked, but I wanted to say anyhow, just in case! (I'm a timid being at heart lol).
Also, sorry if this is a bit long - I have no-one in the 'real world' I can talk to about this!
So, many years ago, for not all that long (though I don't know how long), and ending around 5 years ago, I went through a stage of IV'ing. It started with a desire to try heroin, and then I got what I guess would be called 'needle lust', and when I lost touch with my dealer, I started injecting all kinds of things. My favorite were huge doses of crushed up diphenhydramine pills. I shudder at the thought now - the amount of pain they sent through every vein and just how full of bits the shots were... Crikey. I never shared rigs, but my goodness did I re-use them, and I let things get dirty, too. I also think that almost all of my needles were way too big, somewhere around a 24 probably. I finally stopped when I accidentally hit an artery (I think... it certainly seemed like it - intense pain, profuse bleeding, all manner of bad things), and then got an abscess, from two different shots. I hadn't injected since, until about a week ago. I was watching a TV documentary on legal highs, and did not expect to see people shooting up methoxetamine - it was just the most ridiculous trigger. Suddenly, I couldn't stop thinking about injecting, anything. It was on my mind constantly, and every night I was dreaming intensely about shooting up. I didn't even care what, I just wanted a rush! I tried play piercing, other legal drugs, booze, sex, distraction, discouragement, but to no avail. I even (super weird) started toying with the idea of removing blood, since I had the equipment to do that, and like I say, needle lust. So, as I say, about a week ago, I cracked, and I IM'd something (I shall not say what, but not heroin, and I IM'd rather than IV'd purely because I had the equipment). It was okay, but it didn't give me the buzz I was looking for.
After reading online, I discovered that ethylphenidate (totally legal at this time in my country) has been rumored to give an amazing IV rush. Not into stimulants, but thought I'd give it a go.
I went to a needle exchange, got some rigs of the right size, weighed everything out, got everything sorted, and then... couldn't hit a damn vein to save my life. Now, I am not medically trained, I'm just a bit of a junkie, and an extremely out-of-practice one at that. This could be entirely skill (or rather, a lack of). But I tried all over both of my arms. I tried lifting some big weights, to get the veins up, tried a tourniquet, tried flexing, bending this way and that. I tried at a whole bunch of points from my wrist up just past my elbow, trying to hit veins I could see through the surface, but... *throws hands up in the air*. At the 'best' point, the bend in the elbow, you actually can't see or feel veins at all. There is some slight white scarring from many years back, and a few black pin-prick tattoos (flame+needles+dissociatives+incompetence), but no veins to view or touch. Further down my arm, towards my wrists, they just seem way too deep and small. I even tried registering in the only veins in my entire body that stick out, on the front of my hands, but I missed once and I swear to God they seemed to recede into my hand!
In the end, I got incredibly cross, and just IM'd the damn stuff. But I know myself and I know lust - I'm not gonna be able to let this go until I get an IV rush (and yes, I know that's a terrible thing to say/feel/do).
I'm not asking for advice on how to shoot up - it's everywhere, and I know how to use the search function. I'm just a little lost in the strange urges that have overtaken me in the last few weeks (like I said, it'd been years, and I had no desire whatsoever for injecting... wonder if I should message whoever broadcast the documentary and recommend a trigger warning should they broadcast it again), and not sure what to make of my veins.
Should I assume, if I've put in an hour this time and I try again in a week or so, and I can't hit one, that I am done for mainlining unless I'm willing to look beyond my arms (which I currently am not)?
I am familiar with the concept of junkies and addicts losing all the veins in their arms and having to use other ones, but I guess I figured that in time, they would heal. I am also a major fatty, which I know is going to make it harder to hit a vein, but I'm assuming, not this hard - fat people give blood samples and get IV lines! Should I be willing to try a longer/bigger needle, or is that just asking for trouble? (Currently at 30g 1")
Could this really mean IM-only for injecting? Is it possible that a combination of being fat and an idiot in my youth can really have rendered all my usable arm-veins (vis-a-vis drug-taking) defunct?
Again, sorry this is so long and rambling, I guess it all builds up in one's mind. I tried mentioning needle drug use to just one friend, and he pretty much ran away, so I've never really discussed any of my vein/drug/needle queries with people, save for what I read on BL!
Many thanks for any help you can give and congratulations and thanks to anyone who read this far through my rambling nonsense lol.
Akerman
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