In truth I'm an evil/bad person. I don't want to be.

[tharoomman]

Most of it is addiction related. However there is some that's not so much. Or rather none of you here, let alone in real life, would accept it as a reason good enough.

I feel like I'm a saint and a devil. Not that I believe in all that. It's just bullshit people use to cope with things beyond their control and I partially don't blame them. Albeit only a small part.

I digress

My good side is very good. Overly caring and understanding, to the point I almost always understand both sides of any argument.

My bad side is almost to the end of the spectrum. These skeletons I would't expose even if I created an anonymous account.

I often wonder why I don't just kill myself. Now I'm not talking the emotional type of suicidal. But a very rational thought out type.

What the fuck guys. Ya know I honestly hope there is a god. Ill probably go to hell, but if It means I get the chance to ask that douchebag why in the fuck he would make me like this....well that answer would be priceless.

Give me input or don't. Just wanted to say this stuff.

 

[RiseAgain]

Are you asking for help? If you are it would be helpful if you could eloborate a bit.

Everyone has a good side and a bad side to some degree. Have you ever experienced any trauma? I noticed a lot of anger in your post, could this "bad side" you are talking about be repressed anger?

 

[tharoomman]

I don't ever put this stuff into words, spoken or typed, so maybe some of it came off angry. The bit about god for sure did. But that is a pointless topic, I think. A debate would probably insue if the right person read it and there would be no winner.

Sorry but I won't elaborate or confirm or deny any guesses made. I just wish I wasn't this way. If it was a switch I'd flip it in a heartbeat. Too bad it isn't.

Withdrawals(opiates), even mild ones, always make the depression guilt worse than normal. I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalising my life/emotions while sober.

And while high, well the evil goes away for the most part. However that's just a temporary, unsustainable fix.

As for the trauma, nope.

I mean, people like.... Ted Bundy( he is just an example, no need to read into it) does anyone think he really choose to be that way? Of fucking course not. He just was that way. Nobody CHOOSES to be like that. I could give 10 more examples, all with the same answer. No choice in the matter.

It's FUCKING STUPID.

I guess there is no answer. I'm not even sure I get satisfaction from venting.

 

[Mysterie]

i think its possible to be controlled by your thoughts and emotions, but its also possible to observe them and not get hooked. i think there is a choice there, pausing for a moment and going within, instead of acting out.

the future is out of our control, any expectation placed on how it will turn out will lead to disappointment, but theres an opportunity in the present moment to be at peace with ourselves.

it just starts with a breath.

 

[Gelfling]

I have lots of logic-based thoughts on religion, which I won't bore people with here.
But I was raised in a religion (which I don't currently follow) that does not believe in heaven or hell (basically a reward/ punishment system to scare children).
And I am still an ethically minded person (all the fuck-ups included).
Point being, don't make your path more terrifying than it needs to be by thinking about what comes next. Plenty of people have no concept of heaven/ hell and everyone who does has know idea if it's true. Just keep moving forward. Forgive yourself if you're working on yourself.

 

[herbavore]

One thing in your post really struck home with me. I am also by nature the kind of person that tends to empathize with everyone and usually can see both sides of an argument--hell, I have never even been able to limit it to 2 sides--it's all multi-faceted to me! I have often thought that hell for me would be having to be a judge. But here is the interesting part of that: why do we not apply this same empathy to ourselves?

Human beings are complex. Our personal origins are mysterious on one level (our natures and minds) and wildly disparate but obviously influential on another (our families, social circumstances, early subjection to various dogmas). How can any of us judge each other? And yet we do it every single day to ourselves and every one around us on both conscious and unconscious levels.

The scariest thoughts you have surely have roots as well as a reason for persisting. Anna Shulgin has written much about embracing the existence of our "dark" sides. She draws on Jung but I love the way she advocates getting to know where the beast in us comes from, what we get from running from it and what we get from acknowledging and accepting it. Repressing and hiding parts of ourselves because we think they are too horrible to admit is a dangerous way to go--it gives them more power over us than other parts of ourselves which we, or society, deem more acceptable and it isolates us, not to mention eroding trust. I have parts of myself that I see as very dark. I write my way into those parts. I like to see where they lead and to try in that way to understand where they come from and what they represent. Writing is a great tool. It need never be read by anyone but you.

I think that the healthiest way to move towards a compassionate life is to eschew the narrow concepts of good and bad, saint and sinner. This is easier to do in the abstract than when it comes to our own judgments about ourselves. No one has untangled the nature vs nurture web and no one ever will because in each of us it is different. Accepting that fact goes a long way towards turning obsessive judgment to healthy fascination. When understanding yourself becomes your life's adventure everything looks different.

 

[RedRum OG]

Sounds like textbook borderline personality disorder. Look it up on wiki.

You're not alone. Tons of people have the same struggles. Some people have decades of shitty shittiness before having amazing lives.