in the throes

there's so much inside that im not able to let out. im miserable. in the midst of old memories manifesting into the present and holding steel cold criticism with a laughing face. id cling to anything at this point just to feel grounded. id probably take up being a jehovah's witness if they came knocking at the door at this ungodly hour. id stare at the pamphlet while the watch tower mirrored my mixed emotions then fall blindly into another failing option, wondering what happened. it's all in my head, im sure, but what good does that saying really do? just points out the obvious. where else would my scattered thoughts of guilt mixed with self loathing be? not in this doritos bag...that's full of deliciousness.

as much as i think im ok, im not ok. when i stop for just a second, when im at my most relaxed...i fuck things all kinds of up. i dont know how i do it but by some kind of psycho shit magic i manage to lower my position in whatever im in. it's not like i have anyone to blame either, it's all here in me waiting to pop up and say, "haha fucker youre goin down!"
and im like, "noooo"
but it happens anyway and i end up looking as well as feeling like an over grown ass/bastard/failure.

life is hard, this is bullshit, i have no idea what im doing. no more now, k?

 

Nobody knows what they're doing, some are just better at faking it that others. That's a huge downside of the huge freedom that we have over how to live our lives; since we can choose to be anything, it makes the choice far harder. If you have some time to spare, try following the rabbit hole for a little while, and see where it leads. Know thyself, and then you will remain easily grounded when needed.

Everyone feels like this at some point. Pretty well everyone is able to work their way through it. You'll be fine, the fact that you recognize what is going on means that you're doing better than probably half of the people who go through this. You know that it is you that is having trouble, not the world causing you trouble. The world just is, it cares not for any of us.

I'm rambling. Things will look better in the morning.

 

thanks dave. i do feel better after a night's sleep. things arent completely in perspective, but im getting there. never mind your rambles because i appreciate them.

 

You're too kind.