In the Mouth of Madness

[sconnie420]

Soo, I don't really want to disclose full details, but here goes my story..

In the very near future, like 2 weeks tops, my whole world is going to be changing..
My life for the last decade, has to be forgotten.. This includes changes in my everyday life, drastic changes, changes I don't want or know how to handle quite frankly..I suffer from depression and I feel like I'm staring into the mouth of madness..

So, TDS, tell me how y'all who've went through similar situations, got through it..
My whole head is spinning, and won't stop.. Idk what 2 do,where I'm going to go, how/if I'm even going to get there..

I really no NOONE in my life(friends,S/O, nil) so its a solo journey, hence the reason for coming here and not seeking the advice or a RL person..
Any sort of advice or tips on how to handle these changes, and not loss my sanity, would be gr8tly appreciated

 

[ArtVandalay]

Change is tough for me so I feel you. I went through drastic life changes a year ago and am still adjusting.

Take it one day at a time. Try not to let anxiety and depression consume you.

 

[sconnie420]

Ya, it kind of is.. I'm so lost..

but thnx 4 the kind words, I appreciate it.. Nice SN btw.

 

[Sepher]

Hey Sconnie. Just about eight months ago I was in full blown self-destruct mode in the midst of an alcoholic relapse verging actively suicidal and packing up the house I'd shared with the girl I'd been living with for something like five or six years as our relationship came to an end. I had no clue what I was gonna do to support myself and had already had to extend the notice I'd given on the house by a month cos I had nowhere else to live yet. I'd been completely dependent on her for everything practical, didn't even have a bank account in my own name because I couldn't be trusted with my own earnings and could not for the life of me manage money or responsibilities like rent and bills. She did everything of that sort. Everything. I was convinced that even if I did find my own place I'd have lost it within a coupla months and homeless but you know what? Still here man, and it's ok. Much easier then I thought it would be and I'm much better at it than I imagined.

Having the responsibility at last for myself has been strangely liberating. There's a certain freedom to it ironically in that with responsibility comes choice. I can choose to sink or swim, and I choose not to drown. The decisions as to my life's direction from that point to this and into the future are mine and mine alone to make, and I like being able to exercise that choice. Same as I can choose booze or recovery and choose not to drink. The responsibility has been crucial in my recovery there to date I'm sure. Previously, because all responsibility lay elsewhere drinking / not drinking didn't seem to make any difference to my life. Because my choices were limited I struggled to care. Lack of agency in my life made me feel worthless, useless and depressed. Someone else would pick up the pieces for me so there were no consequences. Shit attitude to have but there you are, I was a fucking mess at the time! That's changed absolutely. I'm much better for it.

Practical steps were pretty trivial really. Bank account was step one. Transferring bills and debts we shared into my name step two. Setting up direct debits to get those bills paid once the providers had worked out what I needed to pay soon as my wages go in each month step three. I never see the money, don't have to worry about it. Like you I have no friends in my home town, though lots elsewhere, mostly scattered around the country I've met online. I'm restablishing contacts I've been a little lax on in recent years and have options there at least. Locally to me I've started going to my local climbing wall and found a couple of groups I'm interested in that meet a few times a month socially. Though finances are stretched at the moment and I've not yet made the most of opportunities like that they do at least exist. I'm trying to do better there.

In short responsibility isn't nearly as hard as I feared and has its upsides, change equals opportunity, I'm getting better and stronger all the time with more practice and that feeds motivation, and there are bright possibilities available for the future. The key thing is to seek out those opportunities and make the most of them I think. Do that and you'll be ok.

 

[spork]

Embrace every part of it, hun. For me, change has almost always ended up being for the better even if it has seemed quite the opposite at first. I've become stronger, happier, and more confident because of the changes that have happened. Trust that your life will lead you to where you're supposed to go and that the fear and worry will only be temporary. Feeling lost is only natural, but you'll find your way soon.

 

[T. Calderone]

Sconnie, I don't want to go into details either and spew all over this thread. It's just too hard and I've been through so much shit this past year. I get so depressed with not being able to find a job and pressure that comes with it. My mom died last January and it's hard this time of year especially. Now we gotta sell the house and move out. If it weren't for my stepdad, I would be homeless.

Spork has a good point because major life changes are scary. But we have no choice but to keep going and hope for the best. I got to the point where I think about what's happened and how I fucked my life up to where I simply freeze and do nothing because I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid again. I guess what I'm trying to say is setbacks are temporary. If you've made a decision that your life needs changing, stick to it. If you need to talk, pm me. I am a good listener.

 

[sconnie420]

Thanks again every1, you guys really are fabulous..
I still don't know what's going to happen, but I'm really freaking out. I feel bad that I always post my problems on here, but shit I need a release and I can't tt any1 in RL. I'm alone in all this, sux

 

[opium]

i feel you sconnie

im not sure what exactly your change is, but i feel i can relate something similar.

ive moved around 15 times in my life so far, with my dad quitting and starting new jobs. ive been anywhere from ma, to pa, to tx. cities all throughout those states.
it is hard, because you know nobody. its like starting your life all over again, but still being the same age..its like losing time.
It took me getting my ass beat daily in dallas texas, to realize i needed to re-evaluate how i handled everything. dont try and be someone your not just to fit in

you just gotta try and keep the good qualities you had in the last environment you were in. dont change, find people who bring out the good qualities in you.

when i moved, i tryed to fit in and adapt, and thats how i started using drugs, because i was vulnerable to that community because of genes and a lack of willpower.
if i had known earlier just to find the group that would take me in as me, i could of avoided a lot.


you have to make the good in your life, find the things that are good. only you can decide if your happy or not, nobody else
i hope the best for you sconnie
Respect


"Since tomorrow is always uncertain, you can torture yourself hiding from the bad things that could happen, or you can decide to take responsibility for creating the good. But you can’t do both at the same time." - Buddha