ButrosButros_Grantos
Bluelighter
A lighter look at how and why the universe was created...
In the beginning there was boredom. Being the only thing in existence isn’t exactly easy. It had already been through as much self-analysis that is possible through a near infinite amount of time. With a sigh of exasperation THE THING THAT WAS FIRST had a final glance at itself and sighed again. Boredom was getting tired, so it exploded and created the universe.
GOD looked around and asked the question that unknown to him had been asked by THE THING THAT WAS FIRST every nanosecond of its existence, “Why me?” Sure the first googolplex years had past quickly, and in relative amounts of semi-boredom. Sometimes he had even felt “not bored”, whatever the hell that was. Now at his way halfway through his second googolplex, GOD looked at the universe and decided that something needed to be done to eliminate boredom.
First he roamed, charting out the far reaches of everywhere, this was only one or two degrees from boredom, and he quickly reverted to being bored and stopped. He spent a couple of million years riding solar flares. He would straddle them and with white robes and beard flailing behind let out a yell of “Yeeeehaw!” Although this was far from boredom, it left him with chaffed thighs and unsightly burns in his nether regions. Also his dry-cleaning bill for getting scorch marks out his robes was ridiculous. He then created “aspirin”, this was not strong enough for him so he moved up to “morphine”, to help him stop worrying about how boring it was being burned. Some billion years later, with GOD still unsure of whether he was bored or not, GOD discovered a big ball of water drifting through the universe and decided to do something with it.
Now it may have actually been a moment of creative genius, or a period of profound wonderment that led GOD to do such great things, but, really, let’s be honest. It was one thing that made him think what a great idea it was, it was the drugs.
When he first stood on earth all was in a state of shades and it suited GOD, as he couldn’t deal with seeing bright things at that particular point. Unfortunately with the darkness GOD was unable to see what he was doing, so with a wince he said, ‘I guess I need some light.’ Light crept into existence, much slower than the headache that appeared with the radiance that slowly filled the planet.
GOD was not at all happy with this whole light deal and so clenching his eyes shut and holding onto his head he separated the light from itself, giving birth to darkness. He was very pleased with this and that was the first day.
On the next day GOD grew rather tired of scuba diving and surfing and once more had returned to a state of boredom. He needed something that would provide an adrenaline rush, and this ball of water wasn’t providing the fun he first thought it would. Remembering the not so bored days when he used to ride solar flares GOD separated the water from the universe, and he named the place between “sky”. This place provided him with less boredom as he created “sky” diving and “air” boarding. Exhausted with so much not being bored activity he closed his eyes, and that was the second day.
Awaking to find himself submerged in water GOD suddenly wished that there were something not wet to sleep on. In that instant of thought great masses pushed themselves up through the water, GOD called these masses earth. He found this earth very boring and plain so he created all forms of plants and trees to grow and bear fruit.
He tasted various types of these fruits, sampling their flavour. He then came across a plant he called tobacco. This he smoked and at first thought it was quite horrid. But after a couple of hours passed he began to think that maybe the tobacco was not so bad after all, maybe he should go and try it again. The second time it was still disgusting, but not so much as the first time. By the tenth time it was no longer disgusting and GOD could no longer remember why he had thought it was bad in the first place…this stuff was terrific. So now addicted to nicotine, GOD fell into a bad sleep, and that was the third day.
Boredom settled in again, GOD was getting rather sick of that feeling by now. He sat, he procrastinated, he paced, he waited, he smoked, and he picked his nose. On one such nasal journey an idea came to him, more than an idea, a master plan. So great was it that he jolted upright and forced his finger too far up his nose causing his face to cave-in. Upon recreating his head GOD took the first steps to ensure that never again would he suffer boredom.
The first part of the plan involved contradiction and confusion. Already having created light GOD decided that it needed a source to come from. With a click of his fingers the sun appeared in the sky. Unfortunately although having spent so much time in space GOD had given little thought to Astronomy and why planets behave as they do. The sun pointing directly at the same point of the earth for over an hour caused it to heat up and catch fire.
GOD cried out seeing his precious tobacco plants on fire and rushed to stomp them out. He stomped with such force that the earth began to rotate beneath him, solving the problem. After the earth had rotated enough it grew dark, and GOD created the moon to reflect the sun and provide a little amount of light during these hours of darkness. That was the fourth day.
Then GOD commanded, created and finally discovered that he was allergic to seafood. Not happy with being sick he created birds to live in the air and feed off the sea, joining him in his allergies. The plan backfired however as the birds, not really content with the constant irregular bowel movement and vomiting, came to annoy him for food. GOD was patient with his creatures for a while but then grew bored and threw them an “aspirin” for no apparent reason. The birds ate the “aspirin” and proceeded to fly off and explode. GOD was pleased with what he saw, and that was the fifth day.
GOD was getting hungry and said ‘Let there be chicken’, along with the poultry that appeared came all kinds of animals, large and small, wild and domesticated1, that for no good reason all tasted like chicken.
Then GOD made human beings that were created in his own image. Humans he decided would have an automatic instinct that made them believe that they were superior to all other forms of life. So they would try to have power over the fish, the birds, and all animals, large and small, wild and domestic. The animals were quite happy with this arrangement, as they knew humans were quite stupid creatures and what hurt could come of letting them play their little power games?
GOD then told the humans, ‘Go forth and produce many children so that when they grow older they may look after you in your dotage.’ GOD, seeing his most recent creation looking expectedly up at him, added. ‘Also be thankful to me, for I have provided you with an abundance of food, and yes, I am aware that most of it tastes like chicken.’ GOD then vanished from sight and left most of the humans standing around scratching their heads thinking ‘What’s a chicken?’ And that was the sixth day.
And so now with humans, meat that for no good reason tasted like chicken, exploding birds, and tobacco the whole universe was completed. GOD finished working and looked around with all that he had done with the place. ‘It’ll do’ he said. He then set apart the seventh day from the others and declared it a “holiday”. This “holiday” was to be a day of rest or earning time and a half in the event you did have to work. Unions would also use it to argue with large corporate companies for centuries to come. And that is how the universe was created.
Even though humans were already created GOD decided to create a temporal paradox and recreate the first human. He called him Adam and let him live in a condo that god had long since grown bored with.
When he handed over the keys he said ‘Adam, you may eat anything from the fridge, you can even have a few beers but don’t touch my stash on the day that you smoke from my stash, you will die… nah just kidding, but I will be displeased.’ Adam smiled dutifully and GOD’S joke and then slammed the door shut.
‘Hmm’ said GOD. ‘It would appear that Adam does grow testy, I should make him a woman, to cook and clean for him, to also be used by him for five minutes every night before he does fall asleep on top of her.’
So GOD stole one of Adam’s ribs, and Adam did not mind for he was used to GOD’S erratic behaviour by now. From this rib GOD formed a woman, who he called Eve. He told Eve her role and sent her to Adam, who was pleased with what he saw, Eve though, looked at the mess Adam had made and told him to get off his fat arse and do some work around the place.
Adam was no longer pleased, but Eve didn’t care, she had been too busy burying her nose into GOD’S stash. Adam, worried that he wouldn’t get a fair cut, ran over to the glass table that Eve was crouched before and partook in the bounty that was GOD’S stash.
The door rattled and Adam hurriedly put on some sunglasses. GOD strode in and took one look at Adam.
‘Why do you wear sunglasses inside Adam?’ GOD asked.
‘Because, my pupils are dilated and I’m peaking.” Adam replied.
‘Who told you…’ GOD trailed off as he saw his stash strewn about the table. He turned his fury onto Adam.
‘For what you two have done I cast you out of my condo. Adam you shall now have to work hard for a living just because I’m petty and your suffering shall amuse me to no end. You shall be punished, you shall work on an I.T. help desk, earning below award rate.’
He then looked at Eve who was busy crawling around on the floor pretending she was a caterpillar. ‘Ah, she’s suffered enough.’ GOD said. And then grabbed both Adam and Eve and threw them out.
God looked at the table and wondered how much he was out of pocket; he sat down and lit up a cigarette. He sat and waited, after a while he tuned himself to the outside world and viewed what was occurring. The humans were making quite a spectacle of themselves it seemed. GOD for the first time laughed, humans were good for something after all. GOD realised that he was no longer bored and went to the fridge for a beer and some twiggy sticks.
THE END
In the beginning there was boredom. Being the only thing in existence isn’t exactly easy. It had already been through as much self-analysis that is possible through a near infinite amount of time. With a sigh of exasperation THE THING THAT WAS FIRST had a final glance at itself and sighed again. Boredom was getting tired, so it exploded and created the universe.
GOD looked around and asked the question that unknown to him had been asked by THE THING THAT WAS FIRST every nanosecond of its existence, “Why me?” Sure the first googolplex years had past quickly, and in relative amounts of semi-boredom. Sometimes he had even felt “not bored”, whatever the hell that was. Now at his way halfway through his second googolplex, GOD looked at the universe and decided that something needed to be done to eliminate boredom.
First he roamed, charting out the far reaches of everywhere, this was only one or two degrees from boredom, and he quickly reverted to being bored and stopped. He spent a couple of million years riding solar flares. He would straddle them and with white robes and beard flailing behind let out a yell of “Yeeeehaw!” Although this was far from boredom, it left him with chaffed thighs and unsightly burns in his nether regions. Also his dry-cleaning bill for getting scorch marks out his robes was ridiculous. He then created “aspirin”, this was not strong enough for him so he moved up to “morphine”, to help him stop worrying about how boring it was being burned. Some billion years later, with GOD still unsure of whether he was bored or not, GOD discovered a big ball of water drifting through the universe and decided to do something with it.
Now it may have actually been a moment of creative genius, or a period of profound wonderment that led GOD to do such great things, but, really, let’s be honest. It was one thing that made him think what a great idea it was, it was the drugs.
When he first stood on earth all was in a state of shades and it suited GOD, as he couldn’t deal with seeing bright things at that particular point. Unfortunately with the darkness GOD was unable to see what he was doing, so with a wince he said, ‘I guess I need some light.’ Light crept into existence, much slower than the headache that appeared with the radiance that slowly filled the planet.
GOD was not at all happy with this whole light deal and so clenching his eyes shut and holding onto his head he separated the light from itself, giving birth to darkness. He was very pleased with this and that was the first day.
On the next day GOD grew rather tired of scuba diving and surfing and once more had returned to a state of boredom. He needed something that would provide an adrenaline rush, and this ball of water wasn’t providing the fun he first thought it would. Remembering the not so bored days when he used to ride solar flares GOD separated the water from the universe, and he named the place between “sky”. This place provided him with less boredom as he created “sky” diving and “air” boarding. Exhausted with so much not being bored activity he closed his eyes, and that was the second day.
Awaking to find himself submerged in water GOD suddenly wished that there were something not wet to sleep on. In that instant of thought great masses pushed themselves up through the water, GOD called these masses earth. He found this earth very boring and plain so he created all forms of plants and trees to grow and bear fruit.
He tasted various types of these fruits, sampling their flavour. He then came across a plant he called tobacco. This he smoked and at first thought it was quite horrid. But after a couple of hours passed he began to think that maybe the tobacco was not so bad after all, maybe he should go and try it again. The second time it was still disgusting, but not so much as the first time. By the tenth time it was no longer disgusting and GOD could no longer remember why he had thought it was bad in the first place…this stuff was terrific. So now addicted to nicotine, GOD fell into a bad sleep, and that was the third day.
Boredom settled in again, GOD was getting rather sick of that feeling by now. He sat, he procrastinated, he paced, he waited, he smoked, and he picked his nose. On one such nasal journey an idea came to him, more than an idea, a master plan. So great was it that he jolted upright and forced his finger too far up his nose causing his face to cave-in. Upon recreating his head GOD took the first steps to ensure that never again would he suffer boredom.
The first part of the plan involved contradiction and confusion. Already having created light GOD decided that it needed a source to come from. With a click of his fingers the sun appeared in the sky. Unfortunately although having spent so much time in space GOD had given little thought to Astronomy and why planets behave as they do. The sun pointing directly at the same point of the earth for over an hour caused it to heat up and catch fire.
GOD cried out seeing his precious tobacco plants on fire and rushed to stomp them out. He stomped with such force that the earth began to rotate beneath him, solving the problem. After the earth had rotated enough it grew dark, and GOD created the moon to reflect the sun and provide a little amount of light during these hours of darkness. That was the fourth day.
Then GOD commanded, created and finally discovered that he was allergic to seafood. Not happy with being sick he created birds to live in the air and feed off the sea, joining him in his allergies. The plan backfired however as the birds, not really content with the constant irregular bowel movement and vomiting, came to annoy him for food. GOD was patient with his creatures for a while but then grew bored and threw them an “aspirin” for no apparent reason. The birds ate the “aspirin” and proceeded to fly off and explode. GOD was pleased with what he saw, and that was the fifth day.
GOD was getting hungry and said ‘Let there be chicken’, along with the poultry that appeared came all kinds of animals, large and small, wild and domesticated1, that for no good reason all tasted like chicken.
Then GOD made human beings that were created in his own image. Humans he decided would have an automatic instinct that made them believe that they were superior to all other forms of life. So they would try to have power over the fish, the birds, and all animals, large and small, wild and domestic. The animals were quite happy with this arrangement, as they knew humans were quite stupid creatures and what hurt could come of letting them play their little power games?
GOD then told the humans, ‘Go forth and produce many children so that when they grow older they may look after you in your dotage.’ GOD, seeing his most recent creation looking expectedly up at him, added. ‘Also be thankful to me, for I have provided you with an abundance of food, and yes, I am aware that most of it tastes like chicken.’ GOD then vanished from sight and left most of the humans standing around scratching their heads thinking ‘What’s a chicken?’ And that was the sixth day.
And so now with humans, meat that for no good reason tasted like chicken, exploding birds, and tobacco the whole universe was completed. GOD finished working and looked around with all that he had done with the place. ‘It’ll do’ he said. He then set apart the seventh day from the others and declared it a “holiday”. This “holiday” was to be a day of rest or earning time and a half in the event you did have to work. Unions would also use it to argue with large corporate companies for centuries to come. And that is how the universe was created.
Even though humans were already created GOD decided to create a temporal paradox and recreate the first human. He called him Adam and let him live in a condo that god had long since grown bored with.
When he handed over the keys he said ‘Adam, you may eat anything from the fridge, you can even have a few beers but don’t touch my stash on the day that you smoke from my stash, you will die… nah just kidding, but I will be displeased.’ Adam smiled dutifully and GOD’S joke and then slammed the door shut.
‘Hmm’ said GOD. ‘It would appear that Adam does grow testy, I should make him a woman, to cook and clean for him, to also be used by him for five minutes every night before he does fall asleep on top of her.’
So GOD stole one of Adam’s ribs, and Adam did not mind for he was used to GOD’S erratic behaviour by now. From this rib GOD formed a woman, who he called Eve. He told Eve her role and sent her to Adam, who was pleased with what he saw, Eve though, looked at the mess Adam had made and told him to get off his fat arse and do some work around the place.
Adam was no longer pleased, but Eve didn’t care, she had been too busy burying her nose into GOD’S stash. Adam, worried that he wouldn’t get a fair cut, ran over to the glass table that Eve was crouched before and partook in the bounty that was GOD’S stash.
The door rattled and Adam hurriedly put on some sunglasses. GOD strode in and took one look at Adam.
‘Why do you wear sunglasses inside Adam?’ GOD asked.
‘Because, my pupils are dilated and I’m peaking.” Adam replied.
‘Who told you…’ GOD trailed off as he saw his stash strewn about the table. He turned his fury onto Adam.
‘For what you two have done I cast you out of my condo. Adam you shall now have to work hard for a living just because I’m petty and your suffering shall amuse me to no end. You shall be punished, you shall work on an I.T. help desk, earning below award rate.’
He then looked at Eve who was busy crawling around on the floor pretending she was a caterpillar. ‘Ah, she’s suffered enough.’ GOD said. And then grabbed both Adam and Eve and threw them out.
God looked at the table and wondered how much he was out of pocket; he sat down and lit up a cigarette. He sat and waited, after a while he tuned himself to the outside world and viewed what was occurring. The humans were making quite a spectacle of themselves it seemed. GOD for the first time laughed, humans were good for something after all. GOD realised that he was no longer bored and went to the fridge for a beer and some twiggy sticks.
THE END
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