In Rehab Now - Starting a Sober Life.

[PMS]

Hello,

my name is Erlend, and I'm a 23y/o man from Norway.

I'm sitting here on the computer, writing from a local rehab/detox/rest center, where I have been for a week. I'm staying here until I have to go home the 22th, and hoping to make the best out of it.


As far as drug use, I've been a cannabis smoker for many years, and never had a problem with it. Did about every one of the "Research Drugs" available on the internet, which left me a bit disturbed, but still O.K. It was after misuse of amphetamines/meth, and taking the prescribed medication "Seroquel" that my life came to the point where I've become worried of "the point of no return". By that I mean, that it feels like it wouldn't pay off to go back to "the sober life" - there is a known joke about this that I can't remember- an old man asked to stop drinking and doing with women- "but then I wouldn't want to get old".


It is true as people say, some people cannot handle drug use and the drug scene in a long run, at first you will be able to battle the damage and challenges, but one day it is too much. I called my doctor and said I would most likely go completely crazy if they did not send me to rehab, I (my health situation) has been taken much too lightly by the healthcare, I think. The people who get the most help here in Norway is the well-educated middle-aged people, young people like me are often ignored, and the deathly ill "junkies" are completely ignored and even beaten to death by police. I want to ask for help to get education and hopefully a job in the future.

I used to be an intelligent, emotional and god-believing person, but nowadays I struggle with a slow mind, lethargy, depression and a lack of natural motivation. Been trough many mistakes and "relapses", it has become a parody of itself, so I have in focus to not make things "too much of a big deal". For over ten years I've been cycling between an unhealthy, short-sighted and hedonistic lifestyle, and then deciding to make things better, if not perfect. It does not work that way for me, I need to work my way towards health regardless of my current mood, thoughts and whatnot. It's tempting- not to go full on with the needle and wreck myself, but to buy a sixpack of beers every morning, smoke cigarettes and just stay in couch watching TV and eating Seroquel - which is what really kills me in the long run.


Tapering off Seroquel has proven to be a major challenge, as I'm unable to sleep, and the "fog" that has surrounded my being and awareness is going away, leaving me with seeing a damaged life and somewhat hopeless situation. I have not been sober from psychoactive substances since I was 13 years old, and a goal for me is being completely clean the day I'm written out of here, not relying even on beers, tobacco, or the Oxazepam which I've found to give tremendous relief.

Health is bad aswell, both physical and mental. Body is fat and weak with thin arms and legs, and needs exercise aswell as a regular diet. I've been trying to lift some weights, aswell as taking some walks, but motivation and energy is very up-and-down. It has much to do with my mood, which can be classified as rapid-cycling manic/depressive (bipolar)- I also hear voices which can be very controlling and demanding,

in the end I ask myself if all my troubles could just be ignored and overseen, and I would be healthy again. That it's all just some fear of challenges, a phobia of being seen for my true failures, and not the "drug use" and "schizophrenia" that covers me, often by my own.



I will post back here and hope to come in contact with others in the same situation.

Cheers,
-E

 

[caseface99]

Congratulations on making this positive life decision! I sincerely wish you the best with your recovery!

I can relate to the fog going away, leaving the wreckage of your past crystal clear in your mind - as I'm sure most people in recovery can relate to. There's a reason the big book of AA talks about "Incomprehensible Demoralization" - It's the worst feeling I can remember ever having. Waking up one day and realizing all the terrible things you let happen is just miserable. It gets better though - Remember that you will relive the demoralization every single day until you face your problems sober.

 

[PMS]

Thank you for reply, caseface99.

I am now two days off Seroquel, just woke up. I'm sleeping 5-6 hours of light, disturbed sleep- instead of 10-14 hours. But i actually feel more awake.

I was tired, depressed and asked my doctors for 30mg Oxazepam. As I layed in bed, I became increasingly high until I was day-dreaming wildly, listening to loud music (that was not outside my head) and going trough several strong, important feelings and memories. It became almost scary when I felt relaxed enough to actually being able to see the devil :/ . I then woke up from a loud noice, sound like a computer glitch.

It's all well and great to relax, when I haven't in a long time... Problem is that the feeling and relief was too good, and I would want more of it. And I can't to get it without things like Oxazepam or my favourite Amanita mushrooms (which are likely much less harmful, though stronger and only aviable once a year).

I'm wanting to function without any drugs or medication at all, though I'm worried it's going to make me... less... and unhappier than I would with drugs... I'm *almost* as relaxed and pain-free as I used to be when sober, even while on like 60mg's of oxazepam. Minus the happiness and healthy, natural feelings. It's a dillemma but hey let's enjoy it anyway what were' doing and try to feel good. Over n out, -E

(I'm not eating more Seroquels for sure. But I'm discussing with my doctor to put me on 10-15mg's Diazepam instead of 30mg's Ox. Hey I'd do a handfull of roofies with +++ and sleep until I woke up dead. )

Isn't the true, direct meaning of "Narcoman" derived from "Narkos" (sleep) and "mania" .... a desire to sleep / instead of being awake... way too sad. But those damn doctors here are way strict on benzos. One time I slept for four days and nights (96hours), eating 4mg's of Etizolam (great pills!) and a large beer, sleeping for 12-16 hours, wake up and do the same, for yes four days. Felt better and more rested every time. Only thing that happened after this short indulgence was a slight restless night afterwards, with some itching on my back and general sharp dreams. I woke up ultra-fresh and focused with no problem.

Unventional ideas of therapy I guess, but my doctor won't listen to me wanting more drugs, even though I'm so miserable tapering off Seroquel I can't think straight, maintain a supportive/healthy mind trough the day, and actually get sligthly worse... I'm just ranting now but hey.


Needless to say I would gladly trade every damn drug, including benzos, psychedelics , amphetamines, you name it - just for weed. It does it all and always leaves you feeling better and healthier than before you smoked. Illegal to possess and smoke here, I get a $1000 fine every time I am caught, which is a full months welfare payment for me.

Hope not I've ended up permanently destroyed and shit. Drugs aren't even good to use anymore- especially Speed - which I hate so much.

Some days I just hate everything.

 

[caseface99]

There's an "Edit" button so that you don't need to post 3 times in a row. It will save the forums Bandwidth.


And I know how you feel man, however the doctors are sort of right... You can't get clean but replace your habit with another substance. It doesn't work like that. You're going to have to decide if you are willing to give TOTAL sobriety a shot - Because if not, I sincerely wish you the best but don't have high hopes. I've done enough of my own screwing up and know enough people who have done the same, to know that the chances of controlling your use of ANY substance are slim to none once you become an addict. :/

 

[GenericName12]

There is a reason they won't give you any drugs.

If you are anything like me and most other addicts, we have to embrace 100% sobriety. That means no alcohol, no weed, nothing. I didn't start to feel better until I finally accepted this fact and quit everything. I tried casual drinking for a while and it didn't work.

Alcohol wasn't my drug of choice, but it was still a problem. I was compensating for my original addiction. Once I quit that my life started improving, but not a second before that. It's easy to think that once you are off your drug of choice you are home free, but that just isn't true (at least for me). Even if weed wasn't a problem for you before, there is a good chance it will be one now.

Addicts have a hard time coping with real life and the emotions/stresses associated with that. It's important to learn how to deal with those rather than mask them with another substance. Drugs are drugs. Alcohol is a drug. As an addict your mood shifts from 1/10 to 10/10 all the time. To be sober you need to learn to be content with that 6/10 all the time. Hell I feel like a 7 or 8/10 nowadays usually. I NEVER thought this day would come. I thought I was going to be miserable and sad and anxious and depressed my entire life. I still have my share of bad days.

I'm sorry if I sound preachy. You can and should do what you think is best for yourself. I'm just offering my opinion based on my experiences. I also think that based on your posts you realize this already for yourself. I don't mean to accuse you of thinking otherwise, but the above paragraphs do sound like I am accusing you, so sorry for that!

 

[PMS]

Thanks for the replies. Slept a bit better tonight, not taking Seroquel. Stopped smoking tobacco aswell, nicotine dependancy has been a problem for a long time, but I think I will handle and benefit from putting it off. I'm offered Oxazepams and Zopiclone every day, though they feel kinda "fake", and I'd rather be without really.


What bothers me is the thought of not being able to smoke medical marihuana... heck I'll keep on smoking really, if it ends up being what I really want, true in all. But I won't judge myself and think I've "relapsed" just if I smoke a joint and don't like it. Quality smoking is the key for my well being. Dunno.

What "GenericName12" writes to me, I can very much believe in. Thank you for the true words. "Real Life" as you say is what scares me, because I have been putting it off, and I'm kinda expecting a backfire of proportions. Mother Earth is not happy with me, neither is my inner beliefs- which are in conflict with the cheaper, more day-to-day lies I've depended on.


Just the ways of thinking, which are subdued by drugs but still true, scare me the most. What a place the world really is / well the world is good but most people are grotesque and evil beings. They benefit from others death and despair. (So do I.) Thoughts about good and evil, the more you know the worse the devil becomes. The better and holier God becomes, so deeper is the pits of his absence.

In earlier times I would go back to playing guitar, listening to music, thinking or writing often humorous and intelligent reads. These days my concentration seems impaired, as well as being frustrated with the material produced being of low quality. My mind / self rejects my creative productions as worthless,

Hell yeah.

I'll see if I can ask for a cat, from the city animal protection center. So I won't be as lonely, or have to depend on stupid human beings for social life. Winter is soon here, six months of hard frost and no sun-at-all. It will kill me unless I keep on exercising, being focused and in a good mood... to start over again for next spring, :/ so are my 20's..

hell wish me luck, I'll stay in touch with you guys here.
-E

 

[thedawn]

good luck,man,early sobriety is confusing and for me
was clinically depressed and unable to perform the simplest
task for a long time.I just now,after 5 years off opiates,picked up my guitar again.
I guess I'm of the slow variety.
be kind to yourself.
I wouldn't stop the cigs in early sobriety.give it a year.concentrate on the issues at hand.

I have two cats to keep me company.
that's a great idea.

 

[PMS]

Damn this Benzo withdrawal really sucks. I'm getting more and more restless and agitated, while I'm also getting tired... I want to do something, and at the same time not... Maybe best to sit still to not implode :/

 

[thedawn]

I remember that feeling well.
you have to sit this one out though.
it's definitely possible.
stay strong.

 

[caseface99]

Stay strong bro. Do exactly what you said - Sit through it. That's all you can do at this point, because withdrawal and cravings will pass, as long as you don't feed it.

 

[PMS]

I feel for the temptation and took a zopiclone and an oxazepam yesterday... didn't feel good at all.

But atleast now I know that... the craving for the drug was much bigger than the pleasure of the "fix".

 

[PMS]

Not biggest news regarding complete sobriety... I had a few glasses of Martini and a few smokes at visiting a friend today. But now it's one week left of my stay here, and I will stay completely sober, including abstaining from medication and coffee.

Post back in a few days,.
-E

 

[thedawn]

if they don't kick you out of your rehab for drinking
perhaps you need a different rehab.
a place that takes this shit seriously.

I dont feel it's right for them to give you benzos(oxxepam)either.
holds you back.

well,do your best and maybe you need something stricter.

 

[PMS]

I went to have a little nap,

woke up by screaming profanities and talking in tongues,

so hard that my throat is sore and breathings tight.

Time to call an exorcist I guess :/

if they don't kick you out of your rehab for drinking
perhaps you need a different rehab.
a place that takes this shit seriously.

I dont feel it's right for them to give you benzos(oxxepam)either.
holds you back.

well,do your best and maybe you need something stricter.

Yeah, this is more of a "rest center" - it's a good place. And the other choice is either the acute mental-illness center in the city, or 8-12 months of waiting time for a drug rehab clinic. So I'm happy to be here anyway,... (the staff's a bit lost, and so am I)


EDIT: They have an old Yamaha electric organ here, ripped up a quick ake on Coltrane's "Blues for You" in C... sounds good

 

[PMS]

This is not working too well, I'm getting bouts of depression and then taking damn benzos and sleep aids, - offered to me by the doctors.

I will have to speak to the management doctor in charge on Monday. And tell them that they have to refuse to give me any more medication.

And what a place. People are rather crazy here, loud and brash..

 

[gerry978]

Hi PMS

The benzos really have a strong pull! Hope your request to have them stricken from you treatment plan is a good one. Was on them for 20+ years and lots of alcohol! Creates a major mess of chaos in your life. Hope you can stop fooling yourself into believing "just a little" will be okay. It won't.

When you are able to be responsible enough, definitely think about a pet. My dogs are definitely lifelines for mee.

 

[PMS]

Day 2 of being completely clean.

Have had disturbed sleep tonight, with lots of vidid dreams. Woke up early and a bit grumpy, but I appreciate it.

Even though I feel kinda fucked, with nausea (right before I vomit everywhere), coughing, itching and a runny nose, I feel better in some way. Like I can feel what is wrong, and then be able to fix it. No wonder I'm irritable, benzo withdrawals or not.. for the ideal (sober?) me Is angry and would never have let things get this far.

I saw my own body while outside in the sun, and I look like a corpse... pale, bloated and skinny... But my eyes look better, my facial expression more natural...

But I can feel that my body and mind, nervous system, thoughts... are disturbed in a major way, that will have to settle itself without drugs or medication. Just by being active, mindful and doing things the best way.

It feels ironic that the state that one once regarded as "hopeless" and "painful", and used drugs in, was lost. And today I dream to be back where I started.

Just five more days of my stay here, and I will leave to visit my father in the South. I hope he will respect that I won't be drinking or smoking at his place.


Lunch soon, I'll eat though being upset and sick, and then go outside to stay for some hours... I find exercise to help when performed daily.


I can smell and taste speed in my nose and mouth, like a hallucination... it is not pleasant. It's almost as if I still can feel it.
See you soon,
-E/PMS

 

[PMS]

DAY 3 of Being Clean


Hello everyone,

I have very good news!

I've been offered a two year long cooperation with my doctor, health personell and a rehab center- together we will focus on my life and health. They are offering me a new place to live, education, fitness workouts, and a job.

I think I should feel happier than I really do... since I've been so lucky. I will just have to keep on track now.


I've also gotten an extended stay where I'm staying now, until the 30th. I'm feeling increasingly tired and weak, bouts of nausea. But my music and thoughts are getting better. The worst feelings I get are of regret and confusion, I'm glad I do not have much anxiety or pain.

Eating a multivitamin each morning, that seems to help alot with restlessness, anxiety and cravings... The local health food store has a 50% sale on every item this week, I want to go there today or tomorrow and pick up some supplements. Want to keep mostly natural, thinking of buying Omega 3/6/9, some cleansing herbal stuff, and some good tea maybe- for the evening.

Needless to say I have a shitload of money left now that I'm not buying drugs, that I would usually waste $1000 a month...

 

[PMS]

Went to the health food store and bought following:

-Omega 3/6/9 capsules
-Vitamin B capsules, 300% GDA
-Herbal "cleansing" tea of high quality

The Vitamin B seems to give me a bit of a kick. Also the tea is very tasty and much better than coffee if you ask me .

Going to do some light exercise this afternoon.

 

[gerry978]

PMS

That's all great news! Very glad to hear you're sticking with it. It does get better.............but I'm also realistic. I hope you don't let the bad days take charge. They pass.