In memory of the forgotten

[cj]

If we had known how many of us would perish maybe we would have given more thought to the decision. It seemed pretty benign to just try it once you know for the experience. If we would of thought more about it would it have mattered? If we knew the funerals that would be sparsely attended. The holidays we would miss. The birthdays that are no longer celebrated. But really the death was just the epilogue of a slow motion tragedy played out over the decade that became our 20s. Those milestones we set on our calendars in middle school got slightly altered kinda quickly. Instead of graduating college we graduated rehabs. We started maintenance instead of careers. Over time the paper thin lies we told family and straight friends turned into awkward silence before the inevitable absence that took us even before death made it all so permanent.

All that's left of our permanent youth are Facebook pages and pictures that we didn't want taken. Our old friends speak our names in hushed tones and with reverence "do you remember that time before" it all fell apart and we gave our future over to chemists that don't pay taxes. Like I said where we really that sad had we known what we would give up to just feel the rush of a drug that we never had enough of. Can love really be obtained in a chemical solution? I dont really know but I do feel the estrangement from the person I was before all this bullshit transpired

 

[cj]

I dunno this is the first thing I've written in a long time. It needs some work I think

 

[cj]

If i had known then the cost of my choices would i have given more thought to the decision to shoot heroin? It seemed pretty benign to just try it once. Like i tried meth or acid YOU know for the experience! Right!!? Its the god of drugs they say "better then sex"!. But I'll only do it once I said. Oh the lies of the uninitiated and recklessly niave. Well i found out that it was better then sex better then success better then any other activity I had planned to do. So soon it was all I did and I was totally content with that. Now at this point even if I had been told of the destruction it would bring it would not have mattered. Nothing mattered but the pursuit of more heroin and the destruction of anything or anyone that stood in the way. "God save me from those who want to help". At 20 years old i had found the love that i wanted to die for but I didn't actually think I would die. Nah I was too smart I read bluelight and opiophile my friends called me for dosing advice. Even if I did die I thought "live fast die young and be complletely forgotten about" wait what was thst last part? That's not how..... Artists sell cds. I mean there estates sell them anyway....

So I listened to grunge bands and really believed that i was so sad. Now that i sit back and think about that time it seemed really exciting. But all I remember is waiting in parking lots adn sleep. Over a short year I slowly found myself consumed with all these new experiences that i never conceived of happening to such a smart young man like me. Phych wards suicide attempts detox then rehab. learning the insurance regulations on partial payments after going AMA from treatment. So much for college and phds instead i got 24 hour coins and all the best ways to get cash off a credit card my grandma paid so she could avoid cash. I lied about my new band aids covering the gaping tracks. Oh i laughed off the hep c diagnosis. They think Ive got 20 years before i have to really worry. "Shit who cares? ill be lucky to see 30. Worrying about what happens to my liver when I'm 45 is the same as worrying about how ill fix my credit to buy a house one day. hilariously optimistic and completely irrelevent.







So by 25 the really started to be seen like the monthly funerals sparsely attended because the parents blamed us. As if barring us from the final and ultimate letdown was going to firce air back into hwr lungsThe holidays we would miss. The birthdays that are no longer celebrated. But really the death was just the epilogue of a slow motion tragedy played out over our 20s. I doubt any of us really thought 15 eould be the halfway point of our lives. Those future milestones we set on our calendars in middle school got pushed aside by new plans we didn't really want to do but always got coerced into. So instead of gradduating college i graduated rehab. I started maintenance instead of a career. Over time the paper thin lies i told my shrinking cadre of family and friends turned into awkward silence before the inevitable silent absence when the last and most loyal lost hope. My disapearance was completed long before my that even before my death will make it permanent.



All that's left of the deads permanent youth are Facebook pages and pictures that they didn't want taken. I speak the names with a sadness that comes from never finding a way to remember a life that doesnt start with a ooverdose or arrest that i try to make palatable enough to not cause the disdanful glarespp000il glares from the ones who work jobs and dont know the best parking lits to shoot up in near the dealers house. s and with reverence "do you remember that time before" it all fell apart and we willingly pawned our future to get well for just a couple more hours. Like I said where we really that sad had we known what we would give up to just feel the rush of a drug that we never had enough of. Can love really be obtained in a chemical solution? I dont really know but I do feel the estrangement from the person I was before all this transpired