As of writing this... This thread is approximately one year old.
For me it's currently about 5:30pm, and in another 6-7 hours or so it will have been exactly one year since I found out about caps death.
I doubt I'll ever forget it, I was asleep, then around 11pm I woke up, I dunno why, but not unusual. I checked my phone, checked discord, and people had just started talking about it. Not moments after that I got a call from Andy, as I recall I just declined it since I was still kinda in shock. I just told him I'd seen the news and needed a moment.
What a night that was, I know I was awake that whole night until some time late into the next morning. I can't help feel a little guilt, I've known a lot of bluelighters who've sadly passed away, tathra, aihfl, telepathic, I'm sure there's some I'm saddly overlooking, then there's those I knew in passing, and more still I've known in real life who've passed away living this risky lifestyle of ours.
Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel the same sense of loss for all of them, even some I was pretty close too. But without question cap has been one of the hardest. Certainly the hardest in many years.
I've been going over the logs of that night, the dm's I had with him in the months prior to his death, been thinking about him a lot these last several days.
It's hard. The dm's especially so. He was suffering so much, and seemed to get especially bad after around December 2020. Still, a few months before his death he told me he still expected to make it through the year. It's surreal reading it again now.
Take care everyone, it's not just internet shit. Every single person you talk to here is a real person somewhere in the world. Real feelings, real issues. Always tell the people in your life how you feel, because there is never enough time.
Rest in peace cap. I miss you.