In Hell and still wanting to burn!

[Pchild]

My dark side

Started so, so innocently. Started with 1-2 percs. and thought I was in heaven. Little did I know I had just started my trip down the trail to Hell.
Fast forward ten years, and I sit here sleepless on subs., which I hate, trying to figure how to get re-connected on 'ol OC. Do I take a 1k mile flight to south fl, and then do that for how long? The thought of going to this trouble makes me sick. The actual idea that I am even considering it makes me sick. Its been so long since I have been high on opiates, I can barely remember what it feels like. Its been so long since I have been clean, I don't know how that feels either.

Went through a long (2 week) WD back in the winter. While that was surely hellish, its not as bad as promptly getting back on the 'ol train, knowing I will have to go through it all again, sooner or later....well or not!

Family thought I cleaned up years ago, so I suffer in silence. Their not dumb, they think I do something. Maybe benzos, but certainly not opiates. I hate myself for lie after lie that I spin. At one time I would never did that.

While not feeling high, opiates make me feel like I am walking in deep sand. I just want to lay around and let life pass me by, which it has. Surely no life.

Will I ever really stay off 'em? Honestly right now I don't know. And thats truly sad, so sad. I'm not having fun chasing these things. Yet here I am thinking, planning to get "back on course"

Really don't know why I wrote this useless post. To vent, introduce myself, warn, inform. Just don't know!

Anyone have a similar "wonderful" experience such as mine? Like to here it. Are you stuck like me or are you back living? Hopefully the later.

My dark side.

P

 

[Bojangles69]

I can't get over how much like me you sound.

A drug addiction is a really different thing when you have to hide it from every single person you know. My family/friends thought I got clean 3 years ago, and I did, but I started using again a year after that. It becomes impossible at some point to keep putting them through that shit, but just to keep it inside to yourself for so long makes it so much harder.

They have got to know I started using again, but for some reason I still think half of their mind wants to think I'm not. Its what allows them to maintain peace in life, and I couldn't take that from them.. not after all the shit I've already done.

I DID wind up however getting through it this time... well I'm not through it yet. I may never really be done and over with my drug problems, but I know I somehow got the will to stop this time. I think what it really is is like you said. You just want to lay around and let life pass by. I have NO respect for time. I hate clocks, I always turn my clock around so its not facing me when I go to bed.
For some odd reason I notice clocks genuinely make me anxious.
Its funny in one respect, but so sad in another. Because when I look at clocks now, all I think about is how much time I've wasted. How many times I've been nodding, looking over just watching the hours go by in overdrive. And one day its almost like I wanted to stop that clock. And my only way of doing that was by stopping opiates.

I've been clean for 15 days, after a 3 month long taper, and it feels good, but sometimes its all a bit too real for me. So I just use those same coping skills that seem to have got me through other things in life, I really just wake up now and detach from life emotionally. I have no motivation, I AM having better days, but had another fucking night of 0 hours sleep last night. The night before I slept great, the night before that was another 0 hour night.. but oddly enough I have slept fine for most of the 2 weeks, its not till these last few days my sleep has randomly gone on its own schedule.

Its hard man. But I want you to understand there is reasons we use opiates. Clean life I do believe is better, but don't think being high is that terrible either. Cause right now, being clean, I understand more than ever why I started getting high. I think you kinda forget that shit when you get to the end of your addiction. The mind loves playing games like that on itself. Just one big whirlwind of fuck me. But hey, we gotta keep our heads strong. And I do consider myself a strong person, so I know I'll get through these harder begining stages. But its my long term shelf life I'm more in fear of.

I tell myself as long as I can transition my life into one I'm actually happy with, maybe I wouldn't be so tempted to use drugs.
I hate where I live, I hate who I live with, I've always hated most my past jobs, the only thing I really don't hate is school oddly enough... cause its the only thing in life that makes me feel like I'm capabable of going somewhere and being somebody.
Everything else seems to make me feel "stuck". But this time I'm approaching sobriety different. I'm not doing it for social reasons anymore, I'm genuinely doing it because if I keep living like this I'll become sucidal at some point. And I'm not the type of person who likes to half ass things. I exhausted so much energy getting over depression years and years ago, and now I have a useful way of shutting it off and coping with it 100%. But its more a surival mechanism because I realize if I don't do that, I'm not just gonna hang around and be depressed like other people. I wouldn't talk about how depressed I was, I'd most likely smile and fake being happy untill I just snapped and kill myself one day. Thats the type of person I am. Always know how to smile and not impose my negative emotions on people (except here, here I try to get that shit out as much as I can).
But I have hope. And I think I've done enough good things in my life to deserve some peace, so I DO think I'll get to where I want to be in life one day... it just might take a bit of struggling to get there.

 

[paranoid android]

One thing you have to do is stop hating on yourself as this will get you nowhere and will only lead to relapse after relapse. Your a opiate addict and that is nothing to hate yourself over. It's a addiction and you obviously need treatment for it.

You mentioned subs did you try suboxone from a doctor and use it as matienance or as something to taper with or did you score off the street? Using it to hold you over is okay as long as you don't plan on quitting . If you plan on quitting opiates suboxone matience or a taper would be a option for sure.

If suboxone fails i would say maybe give methadone a try. But i would only suggest this if you have a pretty good idea that being totally opioid free is not for you.

 

[PaulyPointz]

different hells for different seasons

First off, @ OP, man I hate Subs too. I don't know how long you've been on them but God they suck. If I'm gonna be sober, let me be sober, right? After you take em for awhile you feel no different than if you were clean and unmotivated


@ Bojangles, it seems we are both bored today because I keep stumbling onto threads w/your posts and you always say something that piques my interest and pulls a response outta me. You are at 15 days clean. I used to call that the wall. Two weeks. You are hitting the wall. Watch for triggers, watch for stressors. I see you maybe starting to whisper to yourself, if you know what I mean.
What you all said about family thinking you are clean and watching the new you slowly degrade in front of their eyes but in a slightly different way they can't quite describe, maybe it is just them....God I hate that. I ran into that after I went on subs and quit pot but started smoking spice and doing Ivory Wave/Bath Salts. It sux cause they want to believe in us so badly, you know, and it just sucks to feel like our loved ones know something is up but they don't want to admit it to themselves.

 

[Pchild]

Dang, after re-reading my OP, I was terribly dark yesterday. In a much better mood today, thank God.
Its these damn subs, I know it. Every damn time I switch to them I go through a hellish "mini-WD" which last for 5 days. Mostly mind games and running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Once I finally get adjusted, then I function quite well, like now. But I don't want to stay on these, don't want to go through 4 days of a real WD. So I'm stuck right now.

Bojangles, I am really happy for you, truly. But as Pauly so correctly pointed out you are in very dangerous times of being sober. I would say fill your days with work, exercise, etc., to keep your mind from wondering. While going through this before, you know what I'm talking about.
But I was where you are when I started wondering if I could "chip" just 1/2 of a Roxi. Well, you guessed it, I did. In 2 days I ramped back up to 500-600mg per day, no prob. And now here I am. Please be very careful.

 

[moogmania]

Everyone here seems so alike. I feel like my experience is interchangeable with most of these stories (except for the ones that end in sobriety, unfortunately). Its a shame drug use is one of those topics that can never really be discussed openly in everyday life, otherwise I think more people would see how much they really have in common with each other.

 

[Pchild]

Everyone here seems so alike. I feel like my experience is interchangeable with most of these stories (except for the ones that end in sobriety, unfortunately). Its a shame drug use is one of those topics that can never really be discussed openly in everyday life, otherwise I think more people would see how much they really have in common with each other.

You are so, so right Moog. It seems we all know just exactly how each other feel. And can't say anything new, that we all haven't gone through.
It is a shame that it can't be discussed openly. But you know, I can remember looking so down on addicts. I mean they were just losers who couldn't handle a drug, without becoming hooked. Total scum on society, just sick. And now... I'm just one of these addicts. No better, no worse. If I could see one positive note from addiction, I guess it would be humility. I am certainly a lot more humble and understand than when I was young. No losers, their just like me struggling to get back to their old self, or just make it till tomorrow.
Sad reality!

 

[Ixchellian]

Yup.... junk addiction drags everyone down to the same level.... no matter how high up they were previous.

It's something that never really goes away, once it's started..... always a junky. it sucks.

But don't worry about how others see you. Their blindness & density is their own problem, no sweat. just focus on what you gotta do, one day at a time. that past is left there, unless you dig it up. otherwise, don't sweat that either. just shoot for tomorrow being better than today. And even better if it means one more day junk-free, if you're trying to kick.

 

[Pchild]

Yup.... junk addiction drags everyone down to the same level.... no matter how high up they were previous

Guess you could call it the great equalizer, huh. Haha

You know, after reading many, many post I made an observation that until now had escaped me. Depending on what stage of addiction your in, post fall in 2 definite types.
First, how to score more and more supply. Or how are we going to defeat the new formulation OC. God, we're screwed for sure. Anything to keep the good times rolling.

And then you get to us more "mature" addicts. Gone are the thought about getting high. Shit don't happen anymore. We just want to figure how to quit, and while doing so, make it as pleasant as possible. And those two things are a real bitch. Approaching impossible, as I sometimes think.

 

[Ixchellian]

we run on junk-time as well, rather than real-time. we can stare at the end of our shoe for eight hours, and only when the hourglass runs out, are we forced to action by the instinct to avoid dope-sickness.

and when the pill formulations change to defeat tampering.... there's always the brown that's ready to be slipped into a vein basically as it.

don't do that. please. quit before you hit rock-bottom. when you wake up in an alleyway of some town you barely even know with a spike hanging out of your arm, and have nothing but the clothes on your back plus your gear (fucked if you lose that!)....
That's pretty much rock-bottom. and as junkys..... that's always a very real and possible end-state.

 

[Pchild]

and when the pill formulations change to defeat tampering.... there's always the brown that's ready to be slipped into a vein basically as it.

That and dillies are about the only opiate I haven't tried. Oh, not that I probably wouldn't, on the contrary, there just isn't any round this area. And thats scary because I know exactly where it could end, not pretty.

But you know what, I knew exactly what could happen hooking up on opies in general. Just, it never could or would happen to me. Thats a joke. I have a totally self-destructive addictive personality. If I knew it could kill me, I would say, well maybe not.
Shit!

 

[moogmania]

Yeah but thankfully there are plenty of other pills left to shoot. Until they get rid of roxy, its not bad enough to be trawling the streets looking for H dealers. At least not yet.