in a dark place..

[mrs_mia_wallace]

In the last week I've fallen into a really deep depression. I think its been growing and growing for the last couple months and just exploded in the last few days.

I am never a person to contemplate suicide-- even in the darkest moments of my life I've never thought about killing myself. And I'm not saying I'm suicide (don't worry) but I found myself thinking about what the easiest way to do it would be on Friday, going to my dealer's and shooting a gram of heroin in my car alone. It only came into my mind for a split second but I do not think about suicide because I have had great moments of happiness in my life and I am a fighter and will continue to keep fighting to get them back... but lately I feel like I'm losing the strength to fight.

My mom walked out on my dad a few weeks ago. She's been in Paris for about two weeks now. My dad was drunk for the first week she was gone but he's pulled himself up somewhat. I visited my mom in Paris for four days and asked her to come back, she's supposed to be back on the 5th, we'll see if that happens. My family life is a complete fucking mess, but a part of me is just annoyed, I feel like my parents are acting like teenagers. My mom isigned a pre-nup and she hasn't had a job for thirty years, she doesn't how to take care of herself without him, so I don't know how she thinks she's going to survive on her own, and my dad is drinking just to get back at her. I'm their line of communication right now and I am so sick of dealing with their constant fighting, its exhausting and emmotionally really difficult to take.

My parents are furious at me right now because I relapsed again this week and ended up OD-ing in my dealers apartment. He was able to resuscitate me but my dad found out and called my mom (the first time he's called her directly since she left). My brother OD-ed and ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago and so their anger is understandable... but a part of me wishes I had died in that apartment. I see my life as dismal, pointless. I find no joy anymore it seems in nothing but using drugs. I used to enjoy doing lots of different things, but I feel like I've changed, and the only thing I look forward to is drinking or using. I'm trying to stop using but I feel like its impossible--I've been in two different sober livings for seven months now and before that I spent three months in rehab. I've tried AA, I've gotten a sponsor, worked 8 steps of the 12, called every single day, called when I had a craving and wanted to use. I've done non-based AA addiction recovery outpatient programs, had a therapist. I've been in and out of treatment centers for my eating disoder and drug addiction for ten years. I've tried every kind of therapy and gone back to my childhood to try and figure out what I need to fix and I can't stop being a junkie and flirting with my eating disorder.

All I hear from anyone is seems is that I don't want it bad enough, but if sitting on my knees praying to god to kill me or remove my addiction and eating disoder isn't enough, I don't have the ability to go farther. And if it really comes down to just not drinking, I don't have that willpower. I don't want to be the way I am, I miss the way I was before all of this hit me, I miss enjoying life, LIVING life. But all I crave anymore is taking a shot of heroin and lying in bed. Pretty pathetic, but its all I crave.

I'm also tired of living in sober living and I don't have anymore options at this point. It's not that the place I'm in is that horrible, but I feel like I can't have a normal life here. It's impossible to make friends because where you live is a basic question, and I don't feel like lying or telling everyone I'm a junkie. I'm sick of the curfew, I'm sick of having to deal with the people, the close quarters, complete lack of privacy, feeling like I'm in high school again. I've tried to find a job but in this economy I have been totally unsuccesful, despite putting in tons of applications. And what I really want right now is to finish school so that I don't spend the rest of my life working in a gymnastics gym or a retail store, and I can't do that working full time. I did it before but the stress and and lack of sleep always drives me to using. And I can't go back to stripping and stay sober, although a part of me is tempted to walk out of the door right now and just go back to that. I also can't afford to live by myself, and I have no friends at ALL right now and so no one to live with. My boyfriend isn't financially stable either right now and so he's stuck living with his parents, so I'm waiting for that to happen, but I feel like it's not going to. And lately I feel like I don't even know if I'm in the right now relationship, I love my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like he may not be the right match for me in certain ways. And so this leaves me being dependent on my parents, who won't let me live in their house and won't support me living somewhere else besides a sober living right now. And so I feel like I will be here forever.

This is a long rant... sorry. The basic line is that I feel lost in life, wondering if its even worth living and starting to doubt it. My family life, relationship, and sobriety are all crumbling, and I'm starting to feel like I don't have the energy or hope to fight for any of it.

 

[AfterGlow]

I was never addicted to opiates. But I was addicted to benzos. And I'm an alcoholic. I was once at a place like you describe. I contemplated suicide many a night. I didn't feel like life was worth living any more. My alcohol and benzo abuse left me without my wife, without a job, and in jail. I went through a pretty rough time for period of years. I started going to AA because I didn't know what else to do. It wasn't fun. It wasn't what I expected. It wasn't easy. But I've not had any alcohol now for over 7 years and I've been off the benzos for about 6 months. It was a long, slow, gradual walk back out of the woods that I had journeyed so deeply into. As long as I keep talking one step at a time in the right direction, regardless of the obstacles in my path, it will be ok. Don't let it all overwhelm you. Just do the next right thing. Don't expect it to get better as fast as you'd like. Just keep at it and we'll make it together!

 

[Lysis]

Hi mia. I feel I can relate to you a little. I am at a low place myself, and I feel suicidal when I get in this mode. It's a weird feeling. You just want the pain to go away, and death seems like the only way to deal with it. You sound a it like me -- you don't really want to do it, but the misery just won't go away, so it's like your only way to heal.

You know what oddly keeps me from doing anything? My dog. I think about her stuck in my apartment without food and water, and it hurts me to think that she would suffer because of my death. I know that's stupid, but it's kept me from doing anything rash.

Is there anything you enjoy or like to do? Is there anything you can focus on? Anything you can remind yourself of and say "If I were dead, x would suffer."

I'm probably not much help, but I do understand the feeling, and it's painful. You can't really talk to anyone but BL, because people flip out when you talk suicide.

 

[Detrevni]

Sounds like alot of your issues right now stem around your parent's fighting and using you as a mediator. If you could get that resolved I believe you could feel alot better mentally. I feel your pain somewhat mia. I'm 24 and live back with my parents and that alone has an almost constant strain on me mentally. I feel like i'm inadiquate and bothersome etc. etc. Not to mention that they had a fallen out as well mom found out he was talking to some girl and I was in the middle of a little episode myself. It made me think the same things you're going through. Hope this helps a little even if just knowing other people out there are going through similar things. Let us know how you're doing. Peace.

 

[TINK]

Sounds like alot of your issues right now stem around your parent's fighting and using you as a mediator. If you could get that resolved I believe you could feel alot better mentally.

I completely agree with that statement.

You need to let go of your parent's baggage and issues and take care of yourself.

 

[Lolie]

Your parents can only put you in the middle if you let them. Likewise, whether they split for good or reconcile is not something on which you get a vote - it's their relationship and their decision to make.

The only person you should be worrying about right now is you. When you get your life stablised enough to be independent, you'll have a lot more choices - so getting to that stable place needs to be your priority.

 

[.Lucid.]

hey mia. im really sorry to hear that things are really tough for you right now.. and i hope you hang in there!

it's really hard growing up in family where alcohol is abused by one or both parents.. i know my mothers drinking had a devastating effect on me emotionally.. and like you, i turned to heroin to dull the pain.

i know its a tough road ahead but you can make it.. we're all here for you! if you ever want to talk feel free to drop me a PM.

 

[lestahb]

Hey Mia,
I know how you feel, i came off meth 5 years ago and went to treatment and it was all about AA and NA and how you just don't want it enough. and it is all about loneliness for the first years because you don't want to become close to recovering addicts because they are going to relapse and you can't help them (or they might, and so many do), and normal people look at you and don't understand when you say you are a junkie. it's tough, i know it. i went to AA/NA for the first 4 years, but i never really worked the steps past step 4, and i think i went to listen to how bad my life could become and for a place that kept me safe for an hour.
it does get better though. i live a pretty normal life now, have a job, have normal friends, and i sometimes can't believe how far i have come in the last five years.
so keep on keeping on,
Lestah

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

thanks for the support guys
My dad being an alcoholic is something I don't think I've processed or really thought about how its affected me. My dad grew up half in Ireland half in England, he's of mixed descent (mother is English father is Irish) and I always assumed he drank a lot because of that... everyone on that side of my family drinks like a fish. Drinking has always been so open in my family, I started drinking wine with my dad when I was nine. I drank at family functions when I was 10 or 11. I never thought of him being an "alcoholic" I really thought of him just being very Irish/Engiish. And he's always drank so much I don't think I really connected him being a COMPLETE asshole (he got drunk at my apartment once and told me I looked like a Norwegian hooker a couple years ago) to being when he's been drinking. But he drinks and my mom shops. A LOT. She honestly probably goes to some store to buy something every single day, whether that's designer clothes, new furniture, whatever-- I mean her personal shopper at Neiman's is #4 on her speed dial and she broke her hip when she tripped over her shopping bags trying to run up the stairs at Barney's a year ago. So I guess they both have their vices.

They've been unhappy since I can remember but they're so obsessed with being able to create a perfect family image that they've put up with each other for over thirty years. I mean my parents haven't kissed unless someone was looking at them since I was a child, they constantly scream at each other and my mom is always running off on some vacation or my dad is checking into a hotel for a few days. But they've gotten really nasty to each other this time... they refuse to speak so they send me texts to give to each other and its gotten pretty ugly. But my mom is definitely coming home on Wednesday, she's going to sleep in my room. I'm just happy she'll at least be nearby so I won't be stuck in the middle as much (she's still in Paris right now).

I haven't used opiates in a week now, but I have been drinking (I don't plan to quit that). But I feel like some huge craving is going to come and I'm going to be powerless over it. I know that sounds like a cop-out and maybe it is but I just don't know how to deal with my cravings. When I'm with someone I'm just planning how to get away from them, I'm horribly irritable and bitchy, and I always end up using after they leave. The thought of suicide has come across my head a few more times and I just feel trapped. I don't want to go back to my old using life, I would rather die than have to dance on guys naked for money and feel totally isolated and alone, but I really feel like I'm at my wits end dealing with sober living and my parents conditions to help me. The beginning of March will signal a year of being in sober living and rehab. And I feel like there's no end in sight, my parents don't want me at their house and I would probably kill myself anyway if I had to live there and listen to them. They like me being in here because it means they don't have to worry about me, I'm put away somewhere and I'm not embarassing them by fucking up or worrying them, they have never been able to support me in any of this ever, my dad just degrades me for being anorexic/drug addicted and my mom just cries and says she doesn't understand. I just want to feel like I'm living a real lfe, to not have a curfew, to not have to be embarassed and think up some lie when someone asks me where I live, to have my own place, feel like an adult, not a teenager, like I'm running my life and not someone else. I just want to feel like I'm moving on with my life, not staying in the same place.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

My mother came home yesteday and I spent the afternoon with her... she wanted to go shopping so I went with her. I'm really concerned about my mom's mental state right now. She was very strange when we were shopping, she just seemed like she wasn't there. She didn't show any kind of emmotion, good or bad, and she seemed so lost. One minute she would say something and then the next minute she would say something that contradicted it. While we were driving she couldn't concentrate and we almost got into an accident three times.

She decided that she wanted to cook us dinner, so we went back to the house. My dad was supposed to be out for the evening, but he came back unexpectedly while I was watching TV and she was in the kitchen. I don't know what started the argument but into a few minutes my mother was throwing dishes at him and screaming "ta gueule! c’est des conneries! casse-toi!" (basically shut the fuck up, this is bullshit, fuck off) while my dad was calling her a stupid whore. She hit my dad in the shoulder with a plate and grabbed a wine bottle and threw it at her (it hit the fridge). I threatened to call the police and they calmed down. My mother said she was going to stay at a hotel, spit in my father's face, and left. My father started to say something to me but I just walked out the door. I was so upset I just drove around in my car and cried for a while before going to a bar and drinking for a bit.

I've never seen her turn violent like that, EVER-- she always screams in French when she gets worked up and no one understands what she says and slams things on the table, but she's never hit me, never destroyed anything expensive, never thrown anything at me. I'm worried that there's something wrong with her and that if they're alone theyre going to kill each other.