Impromptu

[leiphos]

Shadows drop from the trees
like atom bombs.
I spread my fingers
through the shockwaves.
I shut them off.
Cars curve by

in the mellow distance, slow
as clouds. My notebook’s
open, armed
with spaces, but my pen’s

stuck. I clutch a final cigarette
in my nails’ claws,
puffing the smoke
like a dragon.
I smooth and smooth
this hills’ green hair
and gaze into the paper’s

empty lines, its white
canals. I flood them
with my glare’s
black ink.
I will remember nothing.

 

[leiphos]

By the way,
please don’t give any positive feedback on this poem. It doesn’t help me. Thank you.

 

[New]

I don't like the atom bomb description. It seems to precipitate a certain hellish fury of the trees' shadows. I would think a description involving a city destroying bomb would be more central.

The first break also seems strange to me...the other two suggest themselves, but the first one just...breaks.

 

[leiphos]

^ Wow, that's a wonderful critique. It really made me aware of a few things I'd overlooked. For example, I realize now that opening with the "atom bomb" metaphor sets completely the wrong tone for the poem. Also, I agree that the first stanza-break is arbitrary; it was a last-minute decision, to be honest. Clearly, I need to clean it up. I'm considering the following revision of the opening:

Shadows drop from the trees.
I spread my fingers
through the shockwaves.
I shut them off.

Cars curve by
in the mellow distance, slow
etc etc etc

Obviously, that's just my rough-draft-ish thought at this moment. It's probably not a very good revision at all, but I'll think harder about your comments tomorrow and try to edit more accordingly. This poem has not been commented on (or read, really) by anyone else but you, thus far.

So thanks so much for these heads-ups, man. It means a lot. I especially like the specificity of your comments. This is the kind of critique my work so desperately needs these days. I've been getting very sloppy with my poetry, unfortunately...

This is why I ask for no trite, overly positive feedback. I want to know my shortcomings so I can improve them. My strengths are already strengths, so hearing them reiterated by others is ultimately useless to me.

 

[New]

I was once told to play to my strengths.

 

[Mehm]

while the first stanza paints a visual setting for the poem, it confuses the overall message by not mentioning writers block. Perhaps you could elaborate on the scenery with the poem's ultimate message more in mind. IE I find the first stanza to be too expansive vs the shut down nature of having no words to write.

something like this:

shadows from the trees envelope
shockwaves pass by
nothing
cars in transit
I shut them off

great piece though, especially on the second read

 

[lostNfound]

I don't like the atom bomb description. It seems to precipitate a certain hellish fury of the trees' shadows.

I thought the same after reading the first two lines. At the fore, I pictured a storm with howling winds; what else could create atom bombs from tree shadows but that isn't where the piece went.

Nonetheless, this was really good.

 

[TheDeceased]

I don't like this as much as your last piece.
I mostly agree with the feedback that's already been given.
Aside from that though,

I clutch a final cigarette
in my nails’ claws,
puffing the smoke
like a dragon.
I smooth and smooth
this hills’ green hair
and gaze into the paper’s

empty lines, its white
canals. I flood them
with my glare’s
black ink.
I will remember nothing

I really like these last two stanzas except for "in my nails' claws". It's kind of like saying my hands' hooves. You're combining the metaphor with reality, which I guess you're aware of - but for me it doesn't work I guess.

Also, as I mentioned to you last time, your lines can be re-assembled into sentences. So it comes across as poetic prose that has been broken up into lines in order to form a poem.

You ever write any prose? I'd be interested to read some.

 

[ControlDenied]

Er...so ill folllooow what you said...so all i can say is...yeh the atom bomb was the only obvious thing that was bad...and good jo- i mean