This is an expierence I had involving a few grams of psilocybin and an automobile. This is for those who enjoy rising up from insanity, rising up from hell rising above death and knowing for the first time in their lives that they are part of the infinite. That they have become immortal.
(and yes, this writing is near infinite, heh)
--------------------------------------------------
me:
"Well guys, im sobered up, i gotta go to work. Either of you remember where rt XX is?"
guy1:
"What is a rt xx?"
me:
"oh shit, ill see you guys in a few days. take care!"
guy 1 and 2:
"see ya man, it was fun! giggle giggle giggle"
I walk out the door. My universe is multicolored. THe sky is so beautiful, its more beautiful than its ever been. I feel like im literally on top of the world. I could not possible feel better than in this moment. I am alive. The day time is more beautifull than it has ever been. I laugh, and walk towards my car. This must be heaven.
Where is it?
The road
I cant find it.
Where did it go? This world looks so different in the day time. The sun is blinding me.
Where the hell is that damn road?!
Down here? Nope, here? Nope...shit this is getting scary. What was I thinking, I am nothing close to sober. What is this up ahead? A road block?!? Oh damn where the hell am I? Ill ask this lumberjack for directions.
Ok now, act sober, dont be wierd, "hey do you know how to get to Rt XX?"
"Sure, bla meep bar humpfg fog argh ump bridge, road left ump oot meeeerp going past alarp gung flup cheek over the exit to mind above merp umfg"
"Thanks! Can i turn around over there?"
"Sure"
Oh shit, I have no idea what he said. Im never going to make it back home, I dont know anyone in this town, and there is no way in hell im going to find my way back to that apartment. Im never going to make it to work. Im exhausted, I need to sleep. There is no where to sleep. Im almost out of gas, I have a quarter tank and have to drive over 70 miles, Im never going to make it. Here is a gas station..FUCK only diesel fuel? Wtf i cant do this. Ill just keep looking for Route XX. From there I think i can make it to Route XxX and ill find my way home. 60 miles. Ill never do it. I am going to die, here, alone, my parents will find out a few days later that police discovered the remnants of my body scattered across some highway with mushrooms in my car. This is it. Im ready to die i guess.
OH FUCKING YES! A sign for rt XX finally!!! I have no idea if that says left or right, so ill just take this right here...a phew i guessed right. Oh dear god...
All my eyes can see are blurrs of huge gigantic machines whirling past me like chariots of death, just waiting to dash my fragile car across the road and into the valley below, and up ahead is the big question:
NORTH OR SOUTH.
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! Where do i live? north or south of here? where is here? where am i? oh god i cant do this! I minas well die! How will I ever explain myself? AM i ready if i get into an accident? How do I explain this? Please god take this burden from me! Dear god, are you there? Dear god i am crying, i have not cried in over 10 years god, and Im crying now, please help me, please, I am going to die and im not ready, please...
a voice in my head resounds "TAKE SOUTH"
i take south. I pray to god that it was the correct way. Somehow i manage to merge into the right lane, how i did this i know not. Every time I looked into the rear view mirror I saw giant fiends with huge ferocious teeth and glowing eyes of death waiting to encroach from behind and gobble up my car and soul...with their huge logo M A C K.
Whissing past me like atomic explosions were giant machines of torture, at any moment any of of these myriad of vehicles could end my existance. God damn it im on probation, if anything happens to me im going to jail for a long time, or worse. Ill be executed. I can hear it now "Boy on mushrooms takes lives of 20 innocent people, tonight at 6pm." I cant take this, im going to die. God is it time for me to enter your kingdom? God why did i make such a stupid decision? God why am i so human? Why am i so weak, why am i so afraid?
"WHY DO YOU FEAR MY SON? TRUST IN ME AND I SHALL SEE YOU HOME"
What? What the fuck? Who keeps talking? Why is there techno music blaring in my head? IM so afraid, im so afraid im so afraid, WHAT THE HELL? ITS ONLY BEEN 15 MINUTES SINCE I LEFT???? Oh god i have an hour to drive, ill never make it, ill never make it, ill never make it, OH shit that car almost hit me, im gonna die. Please god, save me, your so far away, i cant feel you. PLease, im alone, i have no one, i am lost, i have no idea if im going to right way, i dont even know where the right way is, please god, show me the way to rt XxX, please help me find it. Bring me a sign, bring me to it god.
"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."
God all these people are looking at me funny. God im running out of gas, im gonna run out of gas and be trapped here, trapped in hell. Im so scared, and im so confused, this is hell. Im gonna run out of gas. Im gonna die. One of these huge truck monsters is gonna hit me and im gonna die. Im gonna run out of gas.
IM crying god, tears are flooding my face. Ill tell my parents that my x girlfriend committed suicide and thats why im late for work. Yah thats a good idea. That makes sense. Oh god im not going to make it home im going to die. Ill tell my boss that i ate some bad meat last night and i got real sick and cant go to work. Ill never make it to work. Im going to die. I thought ive been scared before. I thought violence scared me. I thought guns scared me. I thought baseball bats whizzing towards my head scared me. I thought dark alleys filled with gangbangin thugs kicking my ass scared me. THat is nothing. I am not afraid of any man in this world in this moment. The entire taliban armed with aks and satchel charges could be in my back seat and i wouldnt care. Im so confused, im so scared. These deamons keep taring at my flesh, at my eyes. IM GOING THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT PEOPLE, YOU DONT NEED TO DRIVE THAT FAST!
"LOOK AHEAD MY CHILD, SEE MY SIGN. YOU ARE SAFE. YOU ARE IN MY ARMS AT ALL TIMES."
Oh dear god, its Rt XxX!!!! Maybe ill live after all! Haha! I cant believe my eyes, its rt XxX! Ok, just get off this highway...wow this is so hard. I never thought controlling this vehicle would be so hard. Wow, im gonna run out of gas. Who am I kidding, im not going to be safe. Im gonna die. Im almost out of gas...wait, the gas hasnt gone down at all and its been...wow only 25 minutes. Damn Ive been tripping since 5am...and its almost 8:30, how the hell did i think i was sober? Who the hell comes down from a trip in 3 hours? I must be insane. This is hell, im going to die here. Please god, dont let me die. I know ive askd for death before, but now i feel i am not ready, i am not finished with life.
And before me was the most hideous, horrible, hellish, fearful, image of death I have ever laid eyes upon. A maze to look at, a puzzle to comprehend. The tears stopped streaming down my face for a moment, as death rose up in me stronger than I had ever felt. Confusion, doubt, dissalusion, fear, satan, took ahold of me. Before me was a stream of cars and trucks and things I couldnt tell what they were whizzing past me, and I had to merge with them. I could not stop, I had to time this. I had to think. THINK? HAH! THINK? IM DYING! Here it comes, death is about to bitch slap me into eternity. Please god no, no no...
I made it. Im here. Im alive. I merged. I MERGED. OH GOD THANK YOU! But i feel i am going to die here on rt XxX. Im going to die. Im not finished with life god, im not finished with life. At least let me say goodbye to those i love. Im not finished wit life!
"NO YOU ARE NOT MY SON. YOU HAVE NOT COME CLOSE TO MY PURPOSE FOR YOU. YOU MUST LIVE. BEHOLD"
And before me, spraypainted on the wall of an overpass was the most beautiful thing i ever saw in my entire life. Its simplicity represented the image of everything holy and humble. For a moment, I was free, I was free from the grip of all evil, all confusion, all death. I saw it spraypainted on a wall, and i will never forget it. Written in blue, and in block letters, small, and in the bottom corner of the overpass was the most beautiful phrase in the history of mankind:
JESUS SAVES
Thank you god. Thank you god. Thank you for showing me that. Thank you for that sign. Was it a coincidence? I dont think so. I feel like I am going to live god. Im going to survive. Thank you god, now these tears of doubt and death have turned to overwhelming joy. God i love you.
"I LOVE YOU MY SON. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. EVERYONE IS PRECIOUS TO ME. FOR YOU ARE ME. EAT OF MY BODY, AND DRINK OF MY BLOOD, FOR IT IS THE BREATH OF LIFE. KNOW THAT I AM THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID ETERNITY OF CONFUSION. AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT TO WORK ALIVE."
"AND DONT BE SUCH A BITCH ABOUT IT! STAND UP! BE TALL! KNOW THAT IF I AM WITH YOU, NOTHING, NOTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE CAN STAND AGANST YOU. LOOK AT THESE BOMBS EXPLODING AROUND YOU, LOOK AT THE DEMONS DANCING BEFORE YOU, LOOK AT DEATH AWAITING TO GRAB YOU AT ANY MOMENT. NONE OF THESE SHALL HARM YOU, FOR I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS. ALL YOU MUST DO IS ASK, ASK AND BELIEVE..."
Where is this coming from? This voice is almost as loud as the trance playing in my head! I have the radio off, and the windows rolled up, where is that damn music coming from?!? I cant concentrate. Its so hot in here, why am i wearing a jacket? I gotta roll the window down. Oh shit it sounds like a hurricane out there. Oh god those trucks sound like a T-Rex, howling mad. Theyre just waiting to crush me. Why did I do this alone? Im running out of gas, Im going to die...
"STOP IT YOU PUSSY, NOTICE YOU'VE DRIVEN OVER 30 MILES AND YOUR GAS TANK STILL READS AN 8TH OF A TANK? YOUR CUP SHALL ALWAYS RUN OVER AS LONG AS YOU TRUST ME! NOW QUIT CRYING LIKE A BITCH AND DRIVE HOME, YOU WILL NOT RUN OUT OF GAS."
Why diddnt i get gas at sheetz? Argh, ok, ill just drive. Ill just drive. OMFG! THERE IT IS! THE ROADSIGN FOR MY TOWN! OH AT LAST, ITS BEEN...holy shit its only been 45 minutes...it feels like its been days!
"JUST BE GLAD I REMINDED YOU TO USE CRUISE CONTROL OR THOSE COPS BACK THERE WOULVE PULLED YOU OVER FOR DRIVING 20 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT."
Wha? I looked back, and there were 2 police officers, on in a passenger seat, the other standing out side the car with a radio gun. I noticed I was traveling exactly at 55 mph, which i never do. I always set the cruise control for 65 mph, never 55...wierd!!!
Amazing...this is so amazing. I still feel the presence of death chasing me from behind. Oh god, why do we have rules? Why must we have laws? Why must life be this hard? Why cant we all just eat a shroom?
"BECAUSE EVOLUTION WILL ALWAYS TURN IT OUT THIS WAY. AND THEN JACKASSES LIKE YOU WILL EAT MY FRUIT AND DRIVE AUTOMOBILES. DONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN, OR YOU MIGHT NOT GET OFF SO EASILY..."
Oh sheet, im sorry! Ill never do this again, worry not! Im so scared, nothing in this universe will ever scare me again after this!
20 mintes or an eterinity later, I saw my exit, and somehow managed to get off onto it. Only a few more miles to home now. It was 8:55 am on the greatist day of my life. For I was alive. I could breathe. I knew everything. The whole world made sense for the first time. All confusion was removed. I was alive. And the most amazing part was, as I pulled down my road at 9:10am, drove up to my house, and looked at the gas guage just before turning off the engine (I did not remember to get gas due to my present mindset), I noticed it had not moved. I drove 60mph on one eighth of an 11 gallon tank. An 8th of a tank. Wow, all i can do is rejoyce. I feel like Ive returned from a war, where I was the only man on the battlefield against armies of the infinite, waiting to take my life. I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. I allow my fear to pass over me and through me. I am free.
I am infinite. I am immortal. It is in this moment that I realize that I fear nothing. I fear no man. I fear nothing in this world. I have been to the frayed edges of sanity no words of mine will ever hope to describe. I am alive for the first time.
"TOLD YA, GO TO SLEEP KID, YOU GOTTA WORK 9 HOURS STARTING AT 1pm."
Damn it!
(and yes, this writing is near infinite, heh)
--------------------------------------------------
me:
"Well guys, im sobered up, i gotta go to work. Either of you remember where rt XX is?"
guy1:
"What is a rt xx?"
me:
"oh shit, ill see you guys in a few days. take care!"
guy 1 and 2:
"see ya man, it was fun! giggle giggle giggle"
I walk out the door. My universe is multicolored. THe sky is so beautiful, its more beautiful than its ever been. I feel like im literally on top of the world. I could not possible feel better than in this moment. I am alive. The day time is more beautifull than it has ever been. I laugh, and walk towards my car. This must be heaven.
Where is it?
The road
I cant find it.
Where did it go? This world looks so different in the day time. The sun is blinding me.
Where the hell is that damn road?!
Down here? Nope, here? Nope...shit this is getting scary. What was I thinking, I am nothing close to sober. What is this up ahead? A road block?!? Oh damn where the hell am I? Ill ask this lumberjack for directions.
Ok now, act sober, dont be wierd, "hey do you know how to get to Rt XX?"
"Sure, bla meep bar humpfg fog argh ump bridge, road left ump oot meeeerp going past alarp gung flup cheek over the exit to mind above merp umfg"
"Thanks! Can i turn around over there?"
"Sure"
Oh shit, I have no idea what he said. Im never going to make it back home, I dont know anyone in this town, and there is no way in hell im going to find my way back to that apartment. Im never going to make it to work. Im exhausted, I need to sleep. There is no where to sleep. Im almost out of gas, I have a quarter tank and have to drive over 70 miles, Im never going to make it. Here is a gas station..FUCK only diesel fuel? Wtf i cant do this. Ill just keep looking for Route XX. From there I think i can make it to Route XxX and ill find my way home. 60 miles. Ill never do it. I am going to die, here, alone, my parents will find out a few days later that police discovered the remnants of my body scattered across some highway with mushrooms in my car. This is it. Im ready to die i guess.
OH FUCKING YES! A sign for rt XX finally!!! I have no idea if that says left or right, so ill just take this right here...a phew i guessed right. Oh dear god...
All my eyes can see are blurrs of huge gigantic machines whirling past me like chariots of death, just waiting to dash my fragile car across the road and into the valley below, and up ahead is the big question:
NORTH OR SOUTH.
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! Where do i live? north or south of here? where is here? where am i? oh god i cant do this! I minas well die! How will I ever explain myself? AM i ready if i get into an accident? How do I explain this? Please god take this burden from me! Dear god, are you there? Dear god i am crying, i have not cried in over 10 years god, and Im crying now, please help me, please, I am going to die and im not ready, please...
a voice in my head resounds "TAKE SOUTH"
i take south. I pray to god that it was the correct way. Somehow i manage to merge into the right lane, how i did this i know not. Every time I looked into the rear view mirror I saw giant fiends with huge ferocious teeth and glowing eyes of death waiting to encroach from behind and gobble up my car and soul...with their huge logo M A C K.
Whissing past me like atomic explosions were giant machines of torture, at any moment any of of these myriad of vehicles could end my existance. God damn it im on probation, if anything happens to me im going to jail for a long time, or worse. Ill be executed. I can hear it now "Boy on mushrooms takes lives of 20 innocent people, tonight at 6pm." I cant take this, im going to die. God is it time for me to enter your kingdom? God why did i make such a stupid decision? God why am i so human? Why am i so weak, why am i so afraid?
"WHY DO YOU FEAR MY SON? TRUST IN ME AND I SHALL SEE YOU HOME"
What? What the fuck? Who keeps talking? Why is there techno music blaring in my head? IM so afraid, im so afraid im so afraid, WHAT THE HELL? ITS ONLY BEEN 15 MINUTES SINCE I LEFT???? Oh god i have an hour to drive, ill never make it, ill never make it, ill never make it, OH shit that car almost hit me, im gonna die. Please god, save me, your so far away, i cant feel you. PLease, im alone, i have no one, i am lost, i have no idea if im going to right way, i dont even know where the right way is, please god, show me the way to rt XxX, please help me find it. Bring me a sign, bring me to it god.
"BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."
God all these people are looking at me funny. God im running out of gas, im gonna run out of gas and be trapped here, trapped in hell. Im so scared, and im so confused, this is hell. Im gonna run out of gas. Im gonna die. One of these huge truck monsters is gonna hit me and im gonna die. Im gonna run out of gas.
IM crying god, tears are flooding my face. Ill tell my parents that my x girlfriend committed suicide and thats why im late for work. Yah thats a good idea. That makes sense. Oh god im not going to make it home im going to die. Ill tell my boss that i ate some bad meat last night and i got real sick and cant go to work. Ill never make it to work. Im going to die. I thought ive been scared before. I thought violence scared me. I thought guns scared me. I thought baseball bats whizzing towards my head scared me. I thought dark alleys filled with gangbangin thugs kicking my ass scared me. THat is nothing. I am not afraid of any man in this world in this moment. The entire taliban armed with aks and satchel charges could be in my back seat and i wouldnt care. Im so confused, im so scared. These deamons keep taring at my flesh, at my eyes. IM GOING THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT PEOPLE, YOU DONT NEED TO DRIVE THAT FAST!
"LOOK AHEAD MY CHILD, SEE MY SIGN. YOU ARE SAFE. YOU ARE IN MY ARMS AT ALL TIMES."
Oh dear god, its Rt XxX!!!! Maybe ill live after all! Haha! I cant believe my eyes, its rt XxX! Ok, just get off this highway...wow this is so hard. I never thought controlling this vehicle would be so hard. Wow, im gonna run out of gas. Who am I kidding, im not going to be safe. Im gonna die. Im almost out of gas...wait, the gas hasnt gone down at all and its been...wow only 25 minutes. Damn Ive been tripping since 5am...and its almost 8:30, how the hell did i think i was sober? Who the hell comes down from a trip in 3 hours? I must be insane. This is hell, im going to die here. Please god, dont let me die. I know ive askd for death before, but now i feel i am not ready, i am not finished with life.
And before me was the most hideous, horrible, hellish, fearful, image of death I have ever laid eyes upon. A maze to look at, a puzzle to comprehend. The tears stopped streaming down my face for a moment, as death rose up in me stronger than I had ever felt. Confusion, doubt, dissalusion, fear, satan, took ahold of me. Before me was a stream of cars and trucks and things I couldnt tell what they were whizzing past me, and I had to merge with them. I could not stop, I had to time this. I had to think. THINK? HAH! THINK? IM DYING! Here it comes, death is about to bitch slap me into eternity. Please god no, no no...
I made it. Im here. Im alive. I merged. I MERGED. OH GOD THANK YOU! But i feel i am going to die here on rt XxX. Im going to die. Im not finished with life god, im not finished with life. At least let me say goodbye to those i love. Im not finished wit life!
"NO YOU ARE NOT MY SON. YOU HAVE NOT COME CLOSE TO MY PURPOSE FOR YOU. YOU MUST LIVE. BEHOLD"
And before me, spraypainted on the wall of an overpass was the most beautiful thing i ever saw in my entire life. Its simplicity represented the image of everything holy and humble. For a moment, I was free, I was free from the grip of all evil, all confusion, all death. I saw it spraypainted on a wall, and i will never forget it. Written in blue, and in block letters, small, and in the bottom corner of the overpass was the most beautiful phrase in the history of mankind:
JESUS SAVES
Thank you god. Thank you god. Thank you for showing me that. Thank you for that sign. Was it a coincidence? I dont think so. I feel like I am going to live god. Im going to survive. Thank you god, now these tears of doubt and death have turned to overwhelming joy. God i love you.
"I LOVE YOU MY SON. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. EVERYONE IS PRECIOUS TO ME. FOR YOU ARE ME. EAT OF MY BODY, AND DRINK OF MY BLOOD, FOR IT IS THE BREATH OF LIFE. KNOW THAT I AM THE ONLY WAY TO AVOID ETERNITY OF CONFUSION. AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT TO WORK ALIVE."
"AND DONT BE SUCH A BITCH ABOUT IT! STAND UP! BE TALL! KNOW THAT IF I AM WITH YOU, NOTHING, NOTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE CAN STAND AGANST YOU. LOOK AT THESE BOMBS EXPLODING AROUND YOU, LOOK AT THE DEMONS DANCING BEFORE YOU, LOOK AT DEATH AWAITING TO GRAB YOU AT ANY MOMENT. NONE OF THESE SHALL HARM YOU, FOR I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS. ALL YOU MUST DO IS ASK, ASK AND BELIEVE..."
Where is this coming from? This voice is almost as loud as the trance playing in my head! I have the radio off, and the windows rolled up, where is that damn music coming from?!? I cant concentrate. Its so hot in here, why am i wearing a jacket? I gotta roll the window down. Oh shit it sounds like a hurricane out there. Oh god those trucks sound like a T-Rex, howling mad. Theyre just waiting to crush me. Why did I do this alone? Im running out of gas, Im going to die...
"STOP IT YOU PUSSY, NOTICE YOU'VE DRIVEN OVER 30 MILES AND YOUR GAS TANK STILL READS AN 8TH OF A TANK? YOUR CUP SHALL ALWAYS RUN OVER AS LONG AS YOU TRUST ME! NOW QUIT CRYING LIKE A BITCH AND DRIVE HOME, YOU WILL NOT RUN OUT OF GAS."
Why diddnt i get gas at sheetz? Argh, ok, ill just drive. Ill just drive. OMFG! THERE IT IS! THE ROADSIGN FOR MY TOWN! OH AT LAST, ITS BEEN...holy shit its only been 45 minutes...it feels like its been days!
"JUST BE GLAD I REMINDED YOU TO USE CRUISE CONTROL OR THOSE COPS BACK THERE WOULVE PULLED YOU OVER FOR DRIVING 20 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT."
Wha? I looked back, and there were 2 police officers, on in a passenger seat, the other standing out side the car with a radio gun. I noticed I was traveling exactly at 55 mph, which i never do. I always set the cruise control for 65 mph, never 55...wierd!!!
Amazing...this is so amazing. I still feel the presence of death chasing me from behind. Oh god, why do we have rules? Why must we have laws? Why must life be this hard? Why cant we all just eat a shroom?
"BECAUSE EVOLUTION WILL ALWAYS TURN IT OUT THIS WAY. AND THEN JACKASSES LIKE YOU WILL EAT MY FRUIT AND DRIVE AUTOMOBILES. DONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN, OR YOU MIGHT NOT GET OFF SO EASILY..."
Oh sheet, im sorry! Ill never do this again, worry not! Im so scared, nothing in this universe will ever scare me again after this!
20 mintes or an eterinity later, I saw my exit, and somehow managed to get off onto it. Only a few more miles to home now. It was 8:55 am on the greatist day of my life. For I was alive. I could breathe. I knew everything. The whole world made sense for the first time. All confusion was removed. I was alive. And the most amazing part was, as I pulled down my road at 9:10am, drove up to my house, and looked at the gas guage just before turning off the engine (I did not remember to get gas due to my present mindset), I noticed it had not moved. I drove 60mph on one eighth of an 11 gallon tank. An 8th of a tank. Wow, all i can do is rejoyce. I feel like Ive returned from a war, where I was the only man on the battlefield against armies of the infinite, waiting to take my life. I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. I allow my fear to pass over me and through me. I am free.
I am infinite. I am immortal. It is in this moment that I realize that I fear nothing. I fear no man. I fear nothing in this world. I have been to the frayed edges of sanity no words of mine will ever hope to describe. I am alive for the first time.
"TOLD YA, GO TO SLEEP KID, YOU GOTTA WORK 9 HOURS STARTING AT 1pm."
Damn it!
