• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Imminent Relapse

JasperTheReckless

JasperTheReckless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Messages
339
I have already crossed the line, i'm daydreaming about it, fantasizing about it, and I feel that all that remains is the means to obtain it. I remember all too well what DXM did to me in the past, but I am losing my grip on sobriety. I just don't care any more. I have NO friends that understand what i'm going through, and the best support I get is "just don't think about it"

I'm getting so fucking angry, and so sad, I feel all alone. I start my first day of work tomorrow, and look forward to nothing more than a case of beer and a box of C's once I get paid. I am falling down into the hole again, the last few weeks I tried to convince myself, it was just day to day stress, but sure enough the cycle is starting over; and if it follows the trend of the last few years, it'll be a couple months before anything starts to feel any different.

I'm fighting with my boyfriend over trivial shit, I get mad before I realize it, and then have to explain that I didn't mean to, I just spaced out and overreacted; which to a sane person sounds retarded.

I feel like i've already relapsed, just as guilty, and pathetic and worthless. I just want my drugs back, I have no home in sobriety; it only feels like waiting for my next dose, no matter how long I make it. Next week will be 120 days; yet it brings me no joy.

I feel like I just come here to bitch and complain as of late; i'm sure i'll have some more DXM TR's in the future, writing those makes me feel kind of happy I guess.
 
If you have no real support it doesn't mean you can't easily get it. You can always hit up a meeting or go to outpatient rehab groups. This way you can vocalize things so they won't just eat away at you as you sulk in your thoughts of relapse.
 
Don't be a slave to what you perceive to be these inevitable cycles. There is no reason why your behaviour has to mimic what you've done before. I know exactly how you feel you have no choice. I've felt the same, that my addiction was living me.
I've also realised just very recently that if you make the focus of your life just 'being sober' there's no joy in it at all. You have to actually fill that space with living.
All the best.

edit: And if you do relapse, that still doesn't mean you have to fall into your old patterns. You may not think it, but you do have choices at the moment, you might not a little later on
 
^I used to find posting in TDS a trigger. Reading posts about people suffering would throw me into fits of cravings. Slowly I started to become desensitized to it. I would imagine AA/NA are similar.
 
I emphasize.. because I felt this way yesterday. I just..... held on I guess. Hoping that relief would someday come.

The relief from drugs is fake. It's not real. I have to believe that true long term relief is out there somewhere.

Also this, "I've also realised just very recently that if you make the focus of your life just 'being sober' there's no joy in it at all. You have to actually fill that space with living."

What's the point of sobriety if you are going to live the same life you did before? Why not just be a drug addict?

edit:

I just skimmed some old posts of yours because I was curious. What I've been through is nothing compared to what you have been through. I have nothing more to say than good luck.. I truly hope you will find the relief you seek in sobriety some day.
 
Last edited:
JasperTheReckless said:
I feel cheated; so many people find support in AA or NA, but I find it just a MASSIVE trigger
Click to expand...

AA and NA are not for everyone. I know personally I would not like meetings because of the structure of it and just the whole layout. I'm not trying to knock it, but it's not for everyone.

Aside from your boyfriend, do you have anyone else you can turn to for support?
 
I think whoever can find some form of solace in AA.
just to be around other humans for an hour.
if you're lonely like me that's a big deal.
 
^This is often true for me as well... And it seems like the boyfriend/relationship is more of a trigger for those feelings of worthlessness and hoplessness that then trigger the impulse to use. A change in the people you associate with often brings some clever and ironic twist of fate in one's favor, and to me, it really seems as though this is an option you ought to consider.

Remember that no problem is so bad that a drink or a drug won't make it worse!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top